How Judaism Divides Families

I never really got over the fact that my parents refused to see me get married in 1992. I committed the unforgivable sin of marrying a non-Jew. I never expected a huge shindig or anything. But watching my sisters get married and seeing all the money which was spent on their marital unions was a huge trauma for me when mine wasn't even acknowledged.

Playing favorites: the Jewish Way

Witnessing my parents shower them with approval and validation killed me inside. I still have a hard time coming to terms with my family’s choice of religiosity. In my opinion, it is not the uniting force it proclaims to be; it is a dividing one.

Not only did my parents blatantly refuse to attend my marriage ceremony -- they sabotaged the chance that any of my other relatives would attend also.

Sorry, Grandma

My grandmother was up from Florida, and she said that she wished to see me wed. I agreed to drive two hours on the day I was getting married to pick her up at my parents' house and then drop her back off in the afternoon.

The morning of my marriage, my grandmother called me and told me that my mother (her daughter) would not allow her to come see us get married.

"So what? Grandma. Who cares what she thinks? Just let me come get you." I cried.

"Elisha," she replied, "Your mother has made it perfectly clear that if I leave the house to see you get married, I would not have anywhere to stay when I come back up to visit from Florida."

That was just like my parents to use any control that they might have and exploit it to their agenda.

Banning my grandmother and my other relatives from my marriage ceremony is deplorable.

All Jewish, all the time, no exceptions

In every important step in my life, my parents chose their Judaism over their daughter. In 1993, when I gave birth to my first son, he had a medical condition (hypospadias) which means that the hole of his penis was slightly lower than it should be.

An operation could fix this 100%. I was planning on having a circumcision done in the hospital but I was not going to have any religious ceremony. It was not to be a religious ritual but a medical procedure.

Since my son was born with this defect, the doctors advised us to have the operation performed when he was one year old because of the risks of anaesthesia. They told us to hold off on the circumcision until the surgery; they would do them both at the same time.


They sneaked the Rabbi in!

The morning of the operation, my parents were at the hospital with us. Boy was I surprised to see my parents' Rabbi, walking from the surgery area toward us. He quickly greeted my parents and said a few words to me and my husband.

Apparently, my parents took it upon themselves to have their rabbi perform their Jewish circumcision rituals on MY SON, WITHOUT MY CONSENT! The audacity of that floored me.

They were completely aware that I had no intention of adhering to Judaism. Not to mention the blatant disrespect toward my husband, who is not Jewish. They were willing to resort to devious, conniving practices in order to be able to claim my son as a Jew.

I actually let this one slide because their rituals are meaningless to me. A rabbi playing with a little blood on the operating table under the supervision of an MD did not bother me. I felt that a Jew is only a Jew if he/she claims to be one.

Cockamamie genetics

However, in the Jewish tradition, anyone born of a Jewish mother is considered a Jew, regardless if that person doesn't believe any of it. That seems a bit arrogant to me. As if a person's genetics is more important than their beliefs. But that's tribalism for you.

My parents' Judaism continued to interfere with our relationship. They do not and cannot understand why their actions were disrespectful to us.


Refusing the bribe

When we moved into our community in 1995, my parents offered us $300 a month to help with the rent IF we agree to send our son to a yeshiva (Jewish parochial school). Our finances were such, at the time, that $300 would've helped immensely.

At first, we agreed to it. I rationalized that my son would get a private education out of it. But I resented what looked like blackmail to me. The final straw came when Dad asked me NOT to bring my non-Jewish husband to the financial aid meeting.

This is my son's father. How dare my father attempt to exclude him! Oh yeah, he’s ashamed of his non-Jewish heritage (does he remember that I share that same non-Jewish blood, since I was adopted?).

I backed out of the deal. It seems that even though I was married and with a child, my parents still wanted to exercise control over me and my family. I have never allowed that.

I think that it is obvious that I resent my family’s religiosity. It is a divisive wedge. And mine is but one of countless stories of how religion creates misery and ruins lives.