Rabbi Avi Weiss; His intrusion; Mom's death

I have a theory: Religion is set up so that every momentous stage of life, clergy, or a Rabbi, in this case, is around to make sure that you follow all the rules for that milestone AND that you remain in the fold.

Rabbis, Rabbis everywhere

For example, Rabbis are involved with the birth of a baby, to give it a proper Jewish name or to mutilate a body part or to have a Pidyon HaBen (symbolic "repurchasing" of a first-born male from God, to whom the baby supposedly belongs at birth). They are involved with marriage to ensure that the new couple will commit to raising their children within the fold, to swear before witnesses and their god that they will do this.

And death--hospitals and funerals are where the Rabbis MUST be because death can really shake a person's faith. The Rabbi MUST be there to give all the traditional answers; to explain to the grieving family why a supposedly benevolent deity would allow their loved one to suffer or die in the manner in which they did.

Rabbis and Mom's death

A few years ago, my mother was in Sloan-Kettering Hospital dying from breast cancer. After many laborious and emotional discussions over a period of two days, our family (my father, three sisters and our husbands) decided that we were not going to have the doctors do any additional invasive treatments or painful tests to Mom. To do so, would only cause her additional pain and suffering.

Mom was in a non-responsive state and we were unable to communicate with her for a few days.


Mom never told us what she wanted for her end of life care. She knew that she was dying but she chose to "maintain a positive attitude" -- which had always worked for her. She adamantly refused to discuss those issues with her doctor.

On one of her last visits to the doctor she was handed a DNR (do not resuscitate) form, she politely handed it back to the doctor and told him that she has chosen to live.

My father never pressed her to make any decisions since she was in such a fragile emotional state for the last few months of her life. And we, her daughters, never wanted to upset her. We wanted to treasure the time we had with her and not focus on her death. Yes, it's a form of denial. But it was what my mother wanted and it was HER life.

Having to make the difficult decision

Back at Sloan-Kettering Hospital, the doctors started a morphine drip so she could have a painless end to her suffering. Soon after, her respiration had become labored and she seemed to be struggling for each breath. But we were assured that she was not in any pain. We were told that her death could be any time now, from a few hours to a few days.

It was at this moment that Rabbi Avi Weiss entered the picture. Lou (my former husband) and I came back upstairs to join the family after a short phone call outside. I saw this man sitting with my family, around the circle of chairs we had placed together in the lounge. He was speaking softly, yet authoritatively.

Everyone was huddled close together, listening intently.

My father noticed us entering the room and stood up to introduce this man to us.

Enter Rabbi Weiss

He is Rabbi Avi Weiss. Dad informed us that he is the Rabbi of The Hebrew Institute of Riverdale, the shul that my sisters' J. and B. attend. (This was before my sister, B.'s husband, another Rabbi, got his own congregation in NJ.)

Out-fucking-standing, I thought. And exactly why is he here sitting amongst our family during this precise moment of my mother's pending death?

I had never seen this man before. I had no knowledge of a personal relationship between him and either of my parents. Neither one of them had ever mentioned this particular Rabbi, even in passing. Here this stranger was, sitting amongst us, obviously warmly welcomed and respected by my family.

After the initial pleasantries, he proceeded to speak to all of us. I realized the purpose of his presence here in our private affairs when he began spouting forth his opinions as to whether or not what we were doing, medically, for my mother, was permissible according to Halacha (the enormous body of Jewish rules and practice)

This was a personal family matter. He had no business interfering. But yet, here he was, assuring my family that it was okay with God to just let Mom go, peacefully. No shit, Sherlock?

It's her time.

“It is her time,” Rabbi Weiss tells us. “God has decided that this is the end of her earthly life.” He then cited some obscure Judaic anecdote to give credibility to his opinion.

Rabbi Weiss continued, “Your mother knows what’s going on. She knows that all her children are here with her. She is at peace. She knows that you are all doing the right thing out of love for her.” Boy, he knows everything that my Mother knows. Clair-fuckin-voyant

My sisters all looked at him with doe eyes, reveling in his every word. They were mesmerized. They seemed to need his confirmation and approval -- that what we were doing was the right thing in the eyes of this Rabbi.

The need for answers

I can’t understand it. With all of our family there, why do they want a Rabbi, who is not a member of our family, to offer validation? Why do they need a Rabbi to assure them that our medical decisions are kosher? Why would anyone even care if our personal medical decisions regarding mom’s end of life care, fall in line with what some subjective, primitive code of ethics authorizes?

So, I am expected to listen to this person, this liar Rabbi, pretending that he knows what my mother would have wanted. This complete stranger claimed to KNOW my mother’s dying wishes -- but yet her own family struggled tirelessly for days trying to figure it out? How did he receive this elusive information? ESP?

As far as I’m concerned, his sheer presence was a violation to me. He was robbing me of my right to have this time with my family, to share our grief and mutually bond with each other, as only close members of the family can understand the depth of our pending loss.

My last moments with my family before my mother died were spent listening to the Rabbi’s frequent interjections and opinions which evaluated and judged our thoughts and decisions and how they fall in line with Jewish law.

At a time when were seeking comfort with each other, my family now preferred to rely on the opinion of Rabbi Weiss to give them comfort and peace.

Of course, the Rabbi’s remarkable revelation of what he says my mother would have wanted coincides with what he believes Halacha permits. Isn’t that convenient?

What if our family decided to allow the doctors to run more tests or try to prolong her life, artificially? Would he have tried to persuade us otherwise, using Halacha to justify it? Would my family have gone along with that? Or would he have just found a way to interpret Halacha differently, in order to justify ANY decision we made as being permissible under the system?

Frustration and fruit

Essentially, the rules can be twisted and interpreted to justify any decision. The sages had such diverse opinions on everything. It would be very easy to find an opinion from a Jewish scholar that happens to agree with any particular point of view.

Nonetheless, I tried to be respectful. I kept my thoughts quiet. Every time I heard that man open his mouth, I felt my anger start come to the surface. I would excuse myself and go downstairs, and outside the hospital to purchase fruit from the sidewalk vendor. Needless to say, our table had an abundant supply of many different varieties of fruit.

At one point, my sisters and I were jotting down specific memories of my mother’s life. These memories, which may seem trivial, were very personal to us. For example, she always bought the men in the family socks for Hanukkah. She loved her crossword puzzles and crypto quotes. She drank her glass of OJ in the morning, diluted 50% with water because it was "too strong." etc. . .

During our ordeal, our large family “claimed” the hospital lounge which was on our floor, for ourselves. It was expansive enough to accommodate our group. It had a large dining table and many comfortable chairs, including several sofas. The hospital staff understood our needs and respected our privacy in this room.

The lounge became our refuge. It was the place where we would “touch base” with everyone and where we had all our updates with the doctors. We also had the all the important family discussions regarding Mom’s care, in this room.

Re-enter the Rabbi

Soon after, Rabbi Weiss strolled back into our private space (again) and summoned my father with a quick gesture of his hand. Apparently, he had something important to say to my father. While he quietly spoke to my father, I was seething inside.

Dad encouraged all of us to take a seat. I just knew that Rabbi Weiss was intending to spout off more of his subjective, primitive horseshit. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to make myself comfortable and join the group, just in case I had to make a quick escape to vomit

My father, sisters and their husbands all sat down and eagerly anticipated hearing more profound wisdom from the Rabbi.

I stayed at the dining table and picked at the cherries, trying to find the darkest ones, which I like the best. I would not join the circle. I would listen from afar and if I started to feel nauseous listening to his diarrhea of the mouth, I can just leave the room quietly, out the side door without making a spectacle of myself.

Rabbi Weiss began to speak. “I just came from your mother’s room,” he said. “She is comfortable and at peace with the decision you all made. I held her hand. I told her that her entire family is here with her; all her children, her sons in laws, her husband M. and her brother H. They are all here and they all love you. After saying that, Judy (Mom) breathed deeply and smiled. She clenched my hand, telling me that she understood what I was saying.”

My sisters gasped. They were awestruck. They spoke quietly amongst themselves. I glared at the Rabbi. I waited until his eyes met mine. When they finally did, I rolled my eyes and snarled at him. Before I could call him a fucking liar right to his face, I bolted out of the room. I hope my abrupt reaction made it perfectly clear to him that I am not buying any of his bullshit.

Wise words and lies

This fuckin’ Rabbi just sat there and LIED to us. Mom has had no outward physical response in two days. J. has been sleeping at Mom’s feet for hours upon hours. Dad had his head on her chest earlier, listening to her heart beating. He stayed like that, silently crying, holding her. Earlier, I was caressing her cheek and sobbing. I sat in her room for long periods of time just watching her, having so much more to share with her. My brothers-in-law were continuously praying over her.

Are we to believe that, against medical science, my mother miraculously responded to the voice of a virtual stranger rather than the people whom she loved more than anything else in the world? Her children and husband were emotionally groveling at her bedside, obviously devastated, but THIS Rabbi, this LIAR, managed to elicit a response from her, where no one else could.

Give me a break! All of us were seeking signs of recognition from Mom. All of us longed to have one last lucid moment with her.

Choosing faith over reason

I can’t believe that Rabbi Avi Weiss would so blatantly LIE. Isn’t there something written in halacha about LYING? Moreover, I am dumbfounded as to why my family would believe him. This truly shows the power of faith over reason.

The blunt truth is that they WANTED to believe him. My family is completely incapable of living with debilitating guilt over never being completely, 100% confident that the correct decision was made regarding Mom's end of life care. We were ambivalent and unsure of what Mom ultimately wanted. Sadly, she never told us.

We all wished that we could get that reassurance from Mom herself, that validation that she was okay with dying peacefully. Rabbi Weiss was perfectly aware of this, since he was involved with many of our private family discussions.

He knew that our biggest hurdle was having to live with the consequences of our decision. So, he chose to use his reverence and authority as a Rabbi, to invent this little communication between himself and my mother for the sole purpose of “allowing” my family to be at peace with our decision and not dwell on it.

I understand that the Rabbi’s intent was to ease our family’s pain. He displayed honest concern and warmth toward us. He didn’t want to see us suffer with the burden of questioning our decision. But he lied and created a fictitious delusion that my family still continues to believe.

And this is where I differ from my religious family. They are emotionally unable to accept that we may never know what Mom’s true wishes were. It is very possible that she would have been willing to subject her body to additional agonizing tests and procedures for the possibility of living just one more day. I admit this impasse. And I can live knowing that we may have been wrong.

I think that maybe Mom wanted us to make this decision when the time came. I think that she knew that her husband and her children would ultimately do what was best because she trusted us completely.

Rabbis are there at every one of life's passages, just to make sure we never forget the importance of religion. But it is at death that they are playing with fire emotionally. This is when their pious lies can do the most damage.