Sabbath toilet paper?

On the lighter side, Orthodox Judaism has created many hours of hysterical laughter for me by the sheer ridiculousness of its rules and regulations.

One visit to my sister's apartment in Riverdale comes to mind. My youngest sister, E, is nine years younger than me. She basically grew up when I was no longer living in the family house. She was six when I was put in the hellhole and I didn't live at home after that for long stretches of time.

Full-time Orthodox Judaism

E. was the only one of the four of us girls to receive a Yeshiva education. (full-time Jewish Day school) She experienced ALL Judaism ALL the time. 24 hour Orthodox Judaism.

Barely out of High School, E. became a young bride and began doing her Jewish duty of breeding for the Jewish people.

E. ventured off into Sephardic Judaism because that was the brand of Judaism that her husband subscribed to. While my two remaining sisters stayed within the Modern Orthodox sect.

Where is the toilet paper?

One trip into Riverdale to visit my sister after she had her first child was memorable. It was a Saturday-- The Sabbath. This is when the observant ones pile on the restrictions.

Right before we planned to leave, I needed to use E.'s bathroom. Trying to maintain basic hygiene, I looked for some toilet paper. There was none to be found. I looked under the sink--nothing. I had to pull my pants back up and exit the bathroom and quietly try to find E. to ask her where the toilet paper was kept.

E. told me that the toilet paper was sitting right on top of the toilet. I looked again and all I saw was some shredded paper in a makeshift tissue holder. Scraps.

I left the bathroom again and found E. and told her that I did not find the toilet paper.

Sabbath toilet paper

E. said, "Elisha, it is Shabbat." (as if I'm expected to keep track of THEIR gazillion rules and the ones that apply on the Sabbath)

"What do you mean, E.?" I asked her.

"We can't tear anything on Shabbat. It is one of the 39 Sabbath restrictions mentioned in the Torah." E. replied.

This was too crazy for me. "So you don't wipe your ass on the Sabbath, E.? That doesn't sound very hygienic."

"Elisha," she assured me, "We do wipe ourselves. We just pre-tear the toilet paper ahead of time. That is what is on top of the toilet, in the tissue box. The pre-torn toilet paper we use on Shabbat."

Holy Jesus Fucking Christ. Pre-torn toilet paper. Un-fucking-believable.