Feeling the sting

Well, it's Chanukah and even though I do not personally adhere to the prerequisite beliefs of Judaism, my mother had always made Chanukah fun for our family when she was alive. With her gone, Chanukah, for me, has apparently been buried too.

We used to have a huge Chanukah party with our entire family, play pin the candle on the menorah, spin the dreidel, make latkes, sing Chanukah songs, have the kids play their instruments and of course, presents.

This year, I can forget about any semblance of previous years. I can't even find my family. I have attempted to reach out to my sisters via email and asked for their addresses to send Chanukah cards. I received no response. I even called my brother-in-law on his cell phone and asked him to pass along holiday greetings to my sister, Beth, and I received no reply from her.

I have sent my father four emails in a week with life updates, pictures and best wishes. I continue to get no response. NOTHING. I asked him for my sister's addresses and his current address (not sure if he is still visiting the USA or he's back in Israel) and he continues to ignore me.

I am hurt. My sisters are having more children, changing jobs and moving and I am never in the loop. My children do not know their cousins. I am deliberately kept isolated.

I suppose I should stop beating my head against the wall.

Since I am currently over 700 miles from my own children, I only see them sporadically. We are working on moving closer to them but the housing market and our mutual divorces have been obstacles. I cry almost daily because I miss my children terribly. The only way I can mentally deal with this separation from my children is to tell myself that eventually I will be closer to them.

Sometimes, like this morning, I can't get myself mentally functioning. I had trouble getting up out of bed, couldn't stop crying, and couldn't get anything done. I miss my kids so much that I can't stand it sometimes. I also miss my former father and my sisters. It would be nice to have a familial support system.

Leaving the household my kids were living in with their (abusive) father was the hardest thing that I ever did. In light of this, I don't understand how my father can be so cold and non-caring toward me.

AND: We had an open house today and NOBODY showed up. All that cleaning and scrubbing. What a waste.