This is a series of E-mails which I exchanged with one of my sisters, Elana. She is married to Rabbi Joshua Maroof. This exchange shows the deterioration of a casual, sisterly relationship into complete ostracism.
She apparently is unable to accept the fact that I have made a personal change in my life and divorced the father of my children because he was abusive and I had found someone who I would rather be with; someone who cares about me and doesn't abuse me with his words or deeds.
I understand that Elana cannot fathom divorcing her husband, since she relies on him financilly and has 4 kids with him. But is it necessary that my sister completely agree with my decisions in MY life in order to have a relationship with me?
I guess so.
It is my opinion that people who hold fundamental religious views are judgemental and forceful when espousing what they think YOU should do with YOUR life. And they have nothing of substance to back up their assertions.
I have attempted to communicate with my sister numerous times since this exchange -- to no avail.
Elana needs to know that I am, in fact, married to my ideal man (Alan) and her naked accusations about my husband's intentions to marry me were premature and incorrect- not to mention judgemental.
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Here it is:
(From Elisha)
Elana,
I've been meaning to call you because so much stuff has been happening. I suppose I'll write instead. I am scheduling a visit to NY for April 25-26. I wanted to go earlier but Lou has plans and since I must rely on him for transportation, I must be accommodating. M, Z. and I will stay at the Long Island Marriott, where we stayed before. We were in a suite. (The kids had separate rooms) The hotel has an indoor pool and jacuzzi and the mall is a $5 cab ride away.
I asked Marty [our father] several times if we could use his Riverdale Apartment, which is vacant since he lives in Israel. It would help save $200 for lodging and after asking THREE times (via email) he responded that he tries to rent it out when he's not there. Ok. Fine. I will ask him again for this visit and every visit thereafter because I don't think that he WANTS me to stay there overnight. NICE fucking father.
Marty comes to the USA and doesn't call me. I haven't seen him in almost a year.
Alan [my husband] is divorced as of this week. He just gained sole possession of the house after paying Judith her share. (He said that this is the largest check that he has ever written to anyone.) Judith [his ex] remains a tenant until the end of April. We will be moving in there April 28 - 30. Our current lease here is up at the end of April, and Judith has to move out on the 28th.
Things are still bogged down in NY court. I don't know what the heck the problem is. We had a signed agreement back in October. I can't believe that Alan's divorce is over before mine.
I have much more to tell you like my depression and stuff but I have to go out.
Basically, a couple of months ago Alan said that he wasn't sure that he was going to marry me and I absolutely flipped out emotionally. He is in therapy and I have given him an ultimatum (which I can't stand to do). I told him that I did not leave my family to be shacked up and if he doesn't marry me, I'll go back to NY and go on welfare because at least then I will be near the kids. I can't break out of this depression. I will call or finish up later.
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(To Elisha)
(From Elana)
hey - sounds like you have quite a bit going onfirst of all, no matter how you feel, out of respect to me, please call Dad "Dad" when writing to me - no matter what things he does that annoy me - I call him Dad - so for my sake - do that when writing me. I understand you have your own feelings and I don't mean to take away from them.
so, why did Alan say he would not marry you? If I were you, I would get out now. But hey, that's just my opinion. What is new with the kids?
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Elana,
I will respect you and refer to our father as Dad or the like. I didn't mean to offend you. I am trying to distance myself emotionally to him. That's all. Sorry.
Real brief: As of now, we seemed to have worked out the marriage issue. (We will be getting married.) Here is/was the issue in a nutshell: I obviously assumed that marriage was going to be the culmination of our relationship. We did mention it, in the past, many times, in previous conversations but never definitively.
A couple of months ago, when we were at a divorce meeting with his lawyer in the courthouse cafe, I said that this is the courthouse where you get the marriage licenses and that's when he dropped this bombshell on me.
He assured me that he was not opposed to marrying me. He just has so much on his plate right now that just thinking about it will just add to the stress.
I was devastated and I just couldn't believe that this was happening. I basically cried for days and he relented and agreed to get married. Neither one of us was even divorced yet so I knew that it would be some time.
I dropped the subject and everything went back to blissful normal. Six weeks ago, I mentioned something casually to him about if I should change my NY drivers license to Illinois or should I wait until we're married and I have my name changed also, when we're married. And that's when he tells me that he is still having problems with the idea of us getting married.
We agreed that therapy was warranted. [. . . personal therapy stuff]
After a month or so, I fell apart and told him that I don't want to give him an ultimatum but I have to. June 1st. That satisfaction of an ultimatum lasted only a week and I fell apart again with fear and anxiety.
He has now agreed to marry me but I am not fooling myself. I'm still sad and trying to make mental preparations. There is so much more to this involving our father and his advice. He actually gave fantastic advice and shocked the shit out of me.
He told me NOT to give Alan an ultimatum. (this conversation with Dad took place prior to the ultimatum) He said that I had made drastic decisions recently and I need to calm down and don't pressure Alan.
I agreed intellectually and really was good (emotionally) for a week but then the emotions and anxiety set in and I pressured Alan. So, this is where we are, a delicate balance.
What I can't make clear in mere words, however, is how much I KNOW he loves me. I know he is scared because he failed twice in marriage and he has some problems with our age difference. I need to stop here because I must move on from this.
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(To Elisha)
(From Elana.)
I need to be blunt - sorry - there is no other way - Alan has problems - that's why he needs therapy - that's why he takes pot to calm his anxiety. You are smart Elisha - you know that this could end in disaster. Look, you have problems too. You know that. Your problem is not one of commitment , you have other issues that you are aware of. I am sure you would marry him and have no problem with it. But, I am honestly not sure you should trust him. And therapy - yeah - therapy for issues can take forever. Truthfully, I feel like even if he agrees to marry you, you are going to have issues with him in the future. Anyway, let me know what happens. And yeah, an ultimatum for someone who does not want to do something can ultimately backfire. Good luck. I wish I could see you become a completely independent person, someone with the ability to support themselves and not rely on a man. You are certainly smart enough.
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Elana,
Yes, Alan has problems. And this is why we both smoke pot (to calm anxiety). Smoking pot is not an issue. If the mental health system worked optimally, there would be legally prescribed drugs which could reduce anxiety and depression without huge side effects and risks to your body. (I have tried a good number of them)
Pot has none of these things and most of the benefits that the legal drug companies claim. If you ever want to get into a discussion about the benefits of marijuana and our government's failed drug war, let me know.
See Elana, I do not think that psychiatry, as practiced today, is a benefit to anyone. The "medications" are a disaster and this whole talking therapy could be helpful if and only if you hooked up with a really smart, intuitive, communicative person who actually cares enough to try and help.
And THE most important element in my opinion, would be having the therapy be goal orientated. Without that, a person would be hopelessly attending talking therapy sessions without an end in sight. We can always find something to bitch and complain about and attribute blame.
This is why when Alan suggested therapy, I was not hopeful. I see it as you do, that this will take forever. I don't have time for him to go through an entire mental process. I told him that the therapy had to be goal orientated and this goal being that we will be married. - I will not accept this relationship on any other terms. He agreed.
When you said that you are not sure that I should trust him, what do you mean?
When you said that I should get out now, where should I go?
See, that question brings me to a state of anxiety to where there is no drug (legal or illegal) that can make me forget - that I am one step from homelessness.
Regarding my independence: It is not possible. I have way more issues than anyone ever imagined. Jeez, I gave you the statistics. (didn't I?) It's either living with a husband or whatever for me, Elana. But I'm happy to hear other suggestions, if you have them.
I have learned that stability and safety are prime issues for people like me. From childhood on, if the person doesn't feel safe and secure, there is less chance of success of independence. I never felt that as a child. I was always bullied in school and had Tourette, OCD and ADHD, a lot of anger because no medications ever worked to control my symptoms.
I was physically punished by our parents on many occasions and not your ordinary swat on the behind. Dad used the back of Pi's (Do you remember our dog?) brush to hit me and he'd drag me down the stairs by my hair. I never felt safe. I never felt secure in our parents love or devotion for me - Now or from childhood.
Our parents never told me I had all these problems although they definitely knew. I went through my medical records with Dr. Bruun. She was shocked to hear that I spent my entire childhood and early adulthood not knowing that I had ADHD, slight OCD and a mood disorder. I guess they couldn't keep the Tourette Syndrome a secret since I barked like a dog.
And then there was the compulsory religion which came at me in the form of further restrictions.
My point is not to dwell on what may be considered abuse nowadays, but to tell you that I didn't have a chance of adult independence - never did.
That mental institution stint right around the time I was supposed to be taking the SAT's and the NY Regents didn't do anything for my educational skills either.
Then I married into an abusive situation to get away from an abusive situation. Whereas, I was no angel in my marriage to Lou, I could be very verbally thrashing but Lou always took it to the next level with violence. This didn't happen often, as I said - approximately 8 times during the course of our relationship, 3 being prior to getting married and 2 incidents happening in front of Marc.
Marc watched Lou try to strangle me.
But I was never scared of Lou. That's my own pathology, I suppose. I was never afraid of our father either. This is what I told myself to convince myself that I was not abused. I was not scared. What can I say?
I always told myself that if it got to the point where I needed to, I'd defend myself, in any way possible. At least right now, I KNOW that I am safe.
I do not yet feel secure but we are working on that. I can wish and pray all I want to become independent but I won't delude myself.
Elisha
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(From Elana)
(To Elisha)
I can only write a short note this time - but i will say this quickly. I think you use your labels - the labels that "define" your problems to define yourself. You use them as a crutch. You can argue with this as much as you want, but the truth is that recognizing thing s that hold you back, is half the work of overcoming them.
I love you, you are my sister, but I must be honest. I think you are intelligent, but I also think you are a bit lazy. You use your medical terms to excuse yourself from responsibilty. I have known you, I have watched you, my life was altered by you growing up. I have seen you go through different stages.
You may know yourself better than anyone, but I also think you delude yourself. You are capable of more than you let on - and plenty of people who didn't feel "safe" or "loved" move on - and you have the resources mentally to do so.
Frankly I could care less what the statistics say - if you could get off your butt and leave your family - than you could get off your butt and do something to improve yourself by yourself. You are not a helpless baby who needs a man. You are an adult who can make decisions to become a stronger better person.
Do I think you will listen to this? No. So why do I bother? I guess b/c when you care about someone you try as many times as you can. I know I have said this to you in the past. I will always be honest with you.
Psychology was something that always interested me. Yes, I think that there need to be more competent therapists. Yes, I think that not all drugs are made equal. Do I think that pot is the answer to your anxiety? no. Do I think that is a really good excuse? Sure.
I am an anxious person by nature. I don't take pot. I don't take any drug.
Anyway, you need to stop looking back - and look forward - by that I don't mean about your marriage - I mean about yourself - stop blaming who you are today on everything from the past - on everybody else - take a good look at yourself. This is all you.
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Elana,
I'm sorry. I made a mistake which I tend to repeat over and over. I attempted to convey my fears and anxiety to one of my sisters and received an insulting, judgmental response based on incomplete biased knowledge.
Last year, I was insulted and berated by Jennifer [our sister] for being overweight and smoking cigarettes and she chose to do this during one of the worst days of my life. There was no provocation by me at all. Sheer maliciousness, on her part.
Then Beth. told me that she basically agreed with Jen. You smartly stayed out of it - Although you did tell me some things which I didn't like to hear but I respected you because sometimes the truth is painful and sometimes others have a different perspective on things.
I asked for your opinion then and you gave it to me. There are two issues here, as far as I see it.
Your opinion of me, my disorders, lack of independence and such and my leaving my family to start a new relationship.
I asked you two questions in my previous email
1) When you said that you are not sure that I should trust him, (Alan) what do you mean?
2) And when you said that I should get out now, where should I go?
You didn't answer these questions. You really do not know much about our relationship so why would you say that I shouldn't trust him?
I also need to make this short. You made hurtful accusations about me leaving my family. I would like to hear your solution to an abusive marriage.
Are you advocating staying in an abusive marriage for the sake of the children?
Marc saw it. He heard everything.
At what point does an abusive marriage become detrimental to the kids?
I'm just sick and tired of people making judgments about me under the guise of loving me.
Loving a person means trying to ease their pain, not adding salt to their wounds.
Elisha
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(From Elana.)
(To Elisha)
Listen, you can be mature and not accuse everyone of insulting and berating you - you are my sister - and I am honest b/c of that - if you don't want honesty - then you don't need to write me. I try not to pass judgement on you despite the fact that I obviously disagree with your choices.
IF you want someone to just be a yes man and say whatever makes you feel good - find someone else.
I am not my sisters - I am nobody but myself. Deal with it or find a friend. I don't engage in this type of thing. You can respond or not.
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(To Elana.)
(From Elisha)
Why don't you call me? 847-
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(To Elisha)
(From Elana.)
I have three kids I am taking care of right now. I don't have the time for a long conversation. Look at all our old e-mails. They are about you. That is fine. You need to talk. I don't. But if you want to talk to me, then you will have to deal with my honesty, otherwise, I'm sorry, that's all I can offer you.
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(To Elana)
(From Elisha)
Whatever Elana. I get it. I was giving you an update on the situation here and you responded with insulting opinions.
Calling you on your disrespect and rudeness does not make me immature.
It's really convenient that you would say all these hurtful things and then try to stand on some pedestal and say that you don't engage in this type of thing.
Your right, Elana. You don't engage in "this type of thing."
You prefer to end it right after you say your piece - kind of like a last word thing, huh?
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(From Elana.)
(To Elisha)
No Elisha, this thing means I don't engage in a relationship of pretending. I am sorry if I came across as rude , that was not my intention. As I said if this is not the type of relationship you are interesed in, I am sorry. Good luck, I really wish you well.
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(To Elana.)
(From Elisha)
I don't engage in relationships where I have to pretend either. I don't think that you have enough information to make the judgments that you did. Maybe you know enough about me and my disorders to comment on that but certainly you don't understand the problems in my marriage with Lou nor do you completely understand my relationship with Alan.
So, when you told me that I should get out of this relationship now and that I shouldn't trust Alan, I wanted to know why you felt that way. I respected your opinion.
I never did hear why.
I am not offended by your assessment of me and my "issues." I'm happy to discuss this at any time. I'm all about the truth, Elana. If you have it or can show it to me, I'm all ears.
I was, however, offended by your accusation that I abandoned my family. Half the country comes from divorced families. I abandoned my marriage. There is a huge difference.
Things take time and divorces don't occur overnight. This is a difficult adjustment period. I'm allowed to be upset and depressed over this.
You don't have to agree with my decisions to be my friend.
I know that you would never do some of the things that I did. But so what? You do some things that I consider silly and a waste of time, but I would never think of hurting you by telling you my opinion of your choices.
Must there be brutal honesty? Can't we respect our differences while still caring about each other?
Isn't it enough for you to understand that I was unhappy and unhealthy in my marriage.
Who are we to judge what goes on in other people's homes behind closed doors?
I asked you what you would have done in my situation? I cared about your opinion. I didn't hear an answer.
I don't want to let this relationship die.
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(To Elisha)
(From Elana)
Look Elisha, our relationship is one sided. It is all about you. Like i said, you need to talk, I don't. I have a healthy family life and a strong social network. I think it may be better for you to speak with a counselor or maybe join some groups so you have a stronger network as well. I think it would be better if you had more people to talk to.
I am happy to hear updates on your life. Really, I do want to know what is going on in your life. But I just can't be the person - one of the only ones - as you said you are alone - to hear all your problems and complaints.
I have very strong feelings about your choices in life and after a while I suppose I can't hold back anymore. I f you would still like to write me and tell me about things that are going on,I would like that.
Love,
Elana
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(To Elana)
(From Elisha)
This relationship was one-sided because that was what you chose. You never called me or wrote to me without my prompting and you never spoke to me about yourself. Of course, it was one-sided. It was all my effort.
I still don't understand what about my decision to leave my marriage you don't agree with. And I've asked you to elaborate and you can't/won't.
Shall I live my entire life with potential violence? From Marty to Lou to the grave.
Grow up, E. Things aren't as black and white in the real world.
Anyway, a sisterhood or friendship is based on acceptance without judgments and you and my sisters are not capable of that. (due to your fundamentalist ideology, which I know that you will never recognize either)
Go bury your head in the sand now because I tried to engage you and asked you to back up your accusations that Alan is untrustworthy.
Like your Hit and Run comments. I'm not your child and I do respond to being attacked.
You are similar to our sisters where you think that you can say anything that you want to me without repercussions.
Actually it's worse than that because you think that I should respect what you say too. Lol
Elisha
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Letter to Dad: 2002 - 2004
I starting writing a series of emails in 2002 to my father which I never sent. I was too chicken --- had too much to lose. I recently found this sitting in the drafts file in an old Hotmail account that I had assumed was closed.
Reading this was tear-jerking.
During this period, I actually sent my son Marc (he was 8-11 years old) to Hebrew School. I was so desperate to be close with my family and I knew that Judaism was the only way. So I tried, to the best of my ability, to bite my tongue and let Marc have something to brag about to his "Saba and Savta" (grandfather and grandmother) so they'll love him.
But I have learned that there is NOTHING that I could have done except for quitting life, divorcing my non-Jew husband and becoming a full-time Orthodox Jew that would have pleased them and made me felt welcomed or even loved by them.
The struggle, those years, were very traumatic. My son was an outspoken atheist already, and like me, he had a hard time keeping his opinions to himself. I was at a crossroads over being true to myself or having a family to claim. Being adopted made this decision more difficult.
Ultimately, I decided that my dignity was worth more than their love. After my mother died, I stopped being accommodating and understanding of their beliefs and their constant religious ritual (which verges on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and reigns over every facet of their life.
Here's the anthology of letters:
Dear Dad,
This letter covers many issues and it has culminated over the past few years. Please read it with an open heart and mind. I've spend a lot of time and effort trying to communicate these things with you.
Throughout the years, I have been wanting to tell you some things. I wrote down some thoughts, many times but have not sent it to you. So, if some ideas seem scattered, you'll understand why.
2002 - We seem to be having a problem with Marc at Hebrew school. As you know Marc blurts out anything and everything that he is thinking. His teacher is telling me that the other kids are complaining that Marc doesn't "use proper words." I know if she meant foul language that it would be specified, so it's not that.
But in Hebrew School he constantly feels the impulse to proclaim his unbelief in a god. Now, it is obvious where he got that from. I have, in the past, expressed my views in front of Marc. I probably shouldn't have done it so forcefully, but I can't change that now. He has, although, came to me with specific questions like why people believe in god. I told him, "They believe god created the earth, they think that god will provide an ultimate sense of justice, and they think that when you die, you go somewhere with god."
Those seem to be the strongest reasons, because without any one of those, there would be no need for a god. Praying and observing and other rituals which are inherent to all religions are merely only by-products of those previous beliefs. So, if the basic beliefs in god fail to move a person to believe, everything else is moot.
Now, I know that you and I (and everyone else in the family) don't come to the same conclusions based on the evidence which is available to us, at this time. But my beliefs (or non-belief) is so strong that it is difficult, if not impossible, to provide Marc with answers that don't correlate with my own views.
I am raising Marc to be a "freethinker." I've always been that. I refuse to believe something just "because." And I believe that faith in a god falls within that category. There are too many opposing views, too many interpretations, too many different holy books -- they cannot all be correct. And if one is wrong, why not all?
Religion, to me, is hope. Wishing that we have an ultimate purpose for life, hoping that this isn't all there is and a way to explain things that science has yet to uncover. I also think that when humans are able to face the concept of death and the finality of it, we wouldn't be so scared and need to think that we must continue to live on.
Again, without the concept of an afterlife, the entire purpose for a god diminishes. I taught Marc that long ago, people couldn't understand nature and they assigned gods to each natural function in order to maintain some illusion of control over nature, e.g., rain, thunder, lightning, fire, earthquakes. These people long ago tried to appease nature (gods) by chanting and sacrifice and blamed their inefficiency to control nature on the fact that they weren't praying enough, or weren't praying correctly, or the thunder god wanted a bull instead of a sheep.
They refused to think that maybe there are not any gods controlling nature. But now scientists are able to know why and how these things occur and even sometimes predict when they will occur. So the gods of nature slipped into history.
We cannot or may never understand what happens when we die, so god fills that gap presently.
Also, the evolution of life. We are constantly learning more about how the earth was formed and how we evolved. That gap is closing.
It is obvious that children suffer, terrorists attack and earthquakes destroy, for no apparent reason. It is extremely comforting to think that there is an ultimate purpose and those people will be "judged" accordingly. But, again, there really is no evidence of that and I'm more likely to think that those beliefs are led by emotions, not fact.
September 11 solidified my atheism. But for the concept of an afterlife, these nuts would have never had the motivation to succeed in their plot. And this is the responsibility of religion. Not specifically Islam or Judaism, but any religion which promotes this absurd, destructive belief of a heaven.
I know that Judaism tends to back off on the afterlife concept (although that is a modern thought), rather preferring to concentrate on earthly duties, but if you eliminate the concept of an afterlife, you eliminate the need to worship a god.
In the Torah, there some mention of the afterlife. Yet, it seems that the Jews have discovered that devoting one's life to the HOPE of an afterlife diminishes this earthly life. So, typical of religions, they reinterpret and neglect to teach all the immoral teachings in their holy book.
Christians drive me nuts with their threats of hell and the "I'm saved, and I'm holier than thou" crap.
I can honestly say that I never really believed in a god. But it wasn't until the last ten years that I really did some research and thought about it, in depth. I studied the history of ALL religions and discovered that man, not a god, chose which selections to include in each bible. It was voted on, like a law.
Do you think that I would want to intentionally isolate myself from my family? Knowing that your Judaism is the tie that bind you. It would be so easy for me to "pretend" and "play along" so I can feel included and loved.
I have always felt "different" due to being adopted. But that would be an emotional, selfish reaction, not one based on truth. Truth to myself.
In a way, I'm jealous. Jealous that you seem to have found something which offers you solace and comfort. Yet, to me it seems pointless, almost silly. I am sorry.
Joining the temple was a huge decision for me. It makes me a complete hypocrite, though. I want you to understand my motivations for joining so you don't think that deep down inside I am seeking god.
I always felt sending Marc to Hebrew School was contradictory. In all honesty, I was attempting to seek your approval. I wanted to somehow give Marc the opportunity to "fit in" with his family since Marc has no one on Lou's side to bond with. Also, society places an extreme importance on religious education and I didn't want to isolate Marc any more than he already is.
I justified that it couldn't hurt. After all, the kids are great, he learns a new language and Jewish culture is fun. Plus, I've made some new friends.
Now, it seems that it is not smart of me to continue to give Marc conflicting messages. I've told Marc that he is too young and uninformed to make any conclusions and to rule anything out, at this point. But he needs to be respectful and not mock others for their beliefs.
Recently, he had a "discussion" with Christina, which I overheard, where she was asking him why he doesn't believe in god. (I suppose she meant a god, in general because she subscribes to the Catholic variety.) And Marc actually came up with some intelligent answers. Some of them, I have never spoken to him about.
He said that nature made the plagues and humans evolved (not created) and a big explosion caused the earth. Plus the obvious ones like you can't see god, there were many gods, Moses couldn't live to be over 900 years old. Why would a god create us only to destroy us with Noah? Couldn't he have foreseen that?
When Christina asked him where he'll go when he dies. He said, "Probably the same place I was, before I was born."
These answers show me that he is, in fact, thinking about it.
Basically, I want to give Marc EVERY opportunity to experience life, to its fullest. No matter how much I say religion does not matter to me, it DOES matter because I have to live in this world with people who feel that religion is important.
I only want for Marc, what would make him a happy person. I don't tell him that he is a Jew, he must marry a Jew, or follow the rituals of a Jew no more than I tell him that he must be a doctor or marry a doctor. These feelings come from within. They are NOT passed down genetically. You might share a few similar genes with your fellow Jews, but we all have different ideas and beliefs.
I abhor the fact that children are subjected to this indoctrination at such an early age. An age where fantasy play is prominent. So susceptible and eager to please. They will recite, verbatim, what they are taught. Is it any wonder that children usually stay in the religion of their upbringing? Not for any sense of it being right or wrong. For the sake of tradition and really not knowing any other way to think.
I pride myself on the fact that I am teaching Marc to ask questions and not accept things at face value. The fault lies when you try and suppress questions and resort to "blind faith."
Dad, I in no way wish to insult anyone. I admire you. I think that you are extremely intelligent and you can run circles around many in the areas of math and science. Your morals and values are also very admirable.
Most people assume that religion, the essence of religion, is based generally on the teaching of good morals and values. It is not the morality issue of religion that bothers me. If that was the extent of religious training, I would be inclined to say, "How can it hurt?" Incidentally, that is Lou's feeling.
There are other aspects of your religion besides the dogma and indoctrination that bother me. Judaism is supposed to promote unity in people. But it seems that unity can only be accomplished if one shares the same rituals and beliefs.
You might tell me that you still love me and it doesn't matter what I believe, to you. But you know, deep inside that it is the ONLY important thing to you.
It hurt me deeply when you did not see me get married. You genuinely liked Lou and admitted that you wouldn't go because he was not Jewish. I never expected you to be overjoyed.
However, I had hoped that your love for me would supersede your prejudices.
Through the years, as each of my sisters got married, the hurt grew deeper. I contemplated not attending their weddings out of spite but decided that my sisters didn't deserve that. I watched as thousands of dollars was spent to celebrate their union. And all I could feel was that mine wasn't even acknowledged. It broke my heart.
A wedge was formed and that wedge is religion.
When Marc was born with hypospadias and needed surgery, I was grateful to see both my parents at the hospital with us. Boy, was it a shock to see YOUR Rabbi coming out of MY SON'S Surgery room. I had yet to decide what religion, if any, I planned to raise Marc with and again, the decision was made for me.
I wasn't even consulted. It was done in a sneaky fashion. I resented that. It was not your place to do that. I felt violated. This was MY CHILD and you can't control every situation. But since it meant so much to you, I let it go. Considering that a person is a Jew only if THEY CLAIM TO BE ONE, I figured time will tell and the trivial ceremonies that you behold so dearly are generally irrelevant to a person's true beliefs.
The fact that you were willing to spend $10,000 per year on a Yeshiva education for Marc also boils my blood. Lou, at that time, was earning only $25,000 a year, and I could never imagine spending half his yearly salary on a Yeshiva. I'm really trying to not sound bitter but, if that money was so readily available, and if a good education was the most important result, why not offer to send Marc to a private non-sectarian school, where EDUCATION is foremost?
It is my belief that it is not the "education" that concerned you as much as the JEWISH education. That is very sad to me. Because Marc is half of Lou. It seems that by even suggesting that Marc attend a yeshiva, it completely disrespects that other half of Marc's existence.
Please understand that Lou does NOT agree with me on any of this and he has less of a problem with many aspects of Judaism than I do.
Why would you expect anyone to want to raise their children in different way in which THEY believe? Do you realize what you asked of Lou (and me)? The problems that it could've created in my marriage? Or even the identity crisis that Marc may have suffered because of learning one way to live in school and coming home to another? Did it matter to you?
That is a huge burden to place on a child. What if Marc wanted to observe Orthodox Judaism? Our household will not change accordingly. He will battle with us. It would not be fair to ask of him to choose between fitting in at home or fitting in at school. Because both would never be possible. Why add extra burdens on a child who already needs to be medicated to fit in?
Would you ever send your children to Catholic school? Why wouldn't you? Because it goes against your belief system, right? Yet you expected that of me. Why?
Therefore, I will try to save those conflicts until Marc reaches adulthood. He won't feel like he has to please us and believe a certain way. And he can take his beliefs and use them to better his life, with the freedom adulthood allows.
Believe it or not, I strive for your acceptance. That is the reason I agreed, at first, about the Yeshiva. I tried to tell myself that it couldn't hurt. And that he'll get a quality education out of it.
But the more I thought about it, the more I saw that this would have caused many additional conflicts for our lives. The last straw was when you asked me NOT to bring Lou to our meeting about financial arrangements and financial aid with Solomon Shechter administrators.
I am not ashamed of Lou. Were you? I know, he's not Jewish. Same old mantra.
I know we never spoke about this, and I know that I made a promise to you years ago. I hope this clarifies why I made the decision NOT to have my child indoctrinated in the Jewish faith, it was a very well thought out decision.
From my end, a strictly selfish perspective, your religion is driving a wedge between any possibility of a healthy normal relationship between you and I. It hurts me that you never visit us, in OUR home. When you do, it is always "on the run." It hurts me that when we do see each other it is either to celebrate a Jewish holiday or on a sabbath, where we cannot do any of the "normal" things a parent and grandparent does with their family.
Your lives are centered around Judaism. That would be fine except I am not Jewish, and Marc is not Jewish. Oh, he's enough Jewish, on paper, that the temple let him in. But this is something that must be felt in your heart. And in my heart there is no god. Therefore, no Judaism.
What if every time I saw you I set up an altar and demanded that you respect my worshipping the invisible pink unicorn? Everywhere in my house is evidence of my belief. Every conversation we have centers around MY belief system. How would you feel?
I hardly have a relationship with my sisters. Nothing genuine, just superficial. Because I don't practice their belief system. You spend weekends at Jen's and Beth's apartments. Babysitting their children, celebrating the sabbath, etc. . . What kind of relationship do we have? Months go by, we don't speak.
I'm trying not to sound like a spoiled child, but we never spend any time with each other without Judaism being in the backdrop. Knowing that I don't practice it or believe, how come I must be subjected to this EVERY TIME WE SEE EACH OTHER?
You don't know me as a person. You don't know why I "just won't conform." You only want to try to change my beliefs to fit yours accordingly. That is evident when you offer to buy books about atheists being converted and telling me to speak with Josh, when we finally may have leaped forward to discuss what I believed and why I believe it.
It seems to me that your motivation is to change me. Let me assure you that my non-belief is sooooo strong, after years of research and studying why people believe in a supernatural, all powerful, all knowing being, I have come to understand the psychology behind it.
I would LOVE to have these discussions with you. But you wouldn't like what I have to say. So I shy away from it in order to keep the peace.
That part of the email was written about a year ago.
Now (2004) as Marc's bar mitzvah approaches [he was 11] there seem to be more problems.
As you know, we belong to a Conservative Temple. The women get called up for aliyahs, and they wear Tallitim. There is no separation between men and women. We are all viewed equally.
Mom mentioned to me that I need to request that Marc have his bar mitzvah on a Sunday. Well, that is not done in our temple.
I am now at a crossroads. I do not send Marc to Hebrew School for me or even for him. We do it for you. This is a sacrifice which eats away at me. I detest attending services and 6 hours per week of Hebrew School is a HUGE commitment.
Marc would prefer not to go and I would certainly appreciate the elimination of this burden in my life.
You cannot, in good conscience, ask that my temple entirely forego their rituals and traditions for Marc and his family.
No one walks into your temple and tells you how to do things. Out of respect, you are supposed to adhere to the rules and rituals of others when you are on their territory. I planned on doing a reading from the Torah. But now I hear from Mom that if any women are present on the bima, no one in my family would take the honor of an aliyah.
So, I must choose: me or the rest of my family. Since it is more important to you (collectively), that the Torah even exists and is read from, I'd relinquish that honor.
But now it has come down to this. I will not be asking my temple for any special treatment. Marc is scheduled to have a Saturday bar mitzvah and if you choose not to attend, we are stopping this charade and cutting ties with the temple.
This fraud of a lifestyle serves no purpose for us anymore.
You have a decision to make. How important is it TO YOU that Marc be bar mitzvah'd?
Could you, just this once, place someone else's feelings over the importance of your ritual?
Marc has worked VERY hard for the honor of being bar mitzvah'd. So much time and effort has been put in to reach this goal.
Will you disappoint him?
How will you explain that to him without reinforcing MY idea that your religion comes before ANYTHING?
What do you really expect?
Do you think that we should belong to an orthodox temple? Even if that was an option, they wouldn't accept us because of the intermarriage.
You were aware that I joined a Conservative temple. You knew what that represents.
Why does it have to be all or nothing?
I feel as if I am constantly sacrificing my beliefs for your acceptance. I cannot do it any longer. I am not Jewish and neither is my husband. Only time will tell what Marc will choose.
At every crucial stage in my life, you have chosen your religion over my feelings.
I know that you feel that Judaism is THE ONE TRUE RELIGION. Everyone who adheres to a religion feels that way, as I do with my atheism.
I love you and need you so much that I put up this facade for years. It is time for me to be honest and true to myself and not carry on as if I am Jewish. It is also time for you to come to terms with the fact that Judaism, the way you choose to practice it, does not unite us. Rather, it divides us.
Love,
Elisha
Reading this was tear-jerking.
During this period, I actually sent my son Marc (he was 8-11 years old) to Hebrew School. I was so desperate to be close with my family and I knew that Judaism was the only way. So I tried, to the best of my ability, to bite my tongue and let Marc have something to brag about to his "Saba and Savta" (grandfather and grandmother) so they'll love him.
But I have learned that there is NOTHING that I could have done except for quitting life, divorcing my non-Jew husband and becoming a full-time Orthodox Jew that would have pleased them and made me felt welcomed or even loved by them.
The struggle, those years, were very traumatic. My son was an outspoken atheist already, and like me, he had a hard time keeping his opinions to himself. I was at a crossroads over being true to myself or having a family to claim. Being adopted made this decision more difficult.
Ultimately, I decided that my dignity was worth more than their love. After my mother died, I stopped being accommodating and understanding of their beliefs and their constant religious ritual (which verges on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and reigns over every facet of their life.
Here's the anthology of letters:
Dear Dad,
This letter covers many issues and it has culminated over the past few years. Please read it with an open heart and mind. I've spend a lot of time and effort trying to communicate these things with you.
Throughout the years, I have been wanting to tell you some things. I wrote down some thoughts, many times but have not sent it to you. So, if some ideas seem scattered, you'll understand why.
2002 - We seem to be having a problem with Marc at Hebrew school. As you know Marc blurts out anything and everything that he is thinking. His teacher is telling me that the other kids are complaining that Marc doesn't "use proper words." I know if she meant foul language that it would be specified, so it's not that.
But in Hebrew School he constantly feels the impulse to proclaim his unbelief in a god. Now, it is obvious where he got that from. I have, in the past, expressed my views in front of Marc. I probably shouldn't have done it so forcefully, but I can't change that now. He has, although, came to me with specific questions like why people believe in god. I told him, "They believe god created the earth, they think that god will provide an ultimate sense of justice, and they think that when you die, you go somewhere with god."
Those seem to be the strongest reasons, because without any one of those, there would be no need for a god. Praying and observing and other rituals which are inherent to all religions are merely only by-products of those previous beliefs. So, if the basic beliefs in god fail to move a person to believe, everything else is moot.
Now, I know that you and I (and everyone else in the family) don't come to the same conclusions based on the evidence which is available to us, at this time. But my beliefs (or non-belief) is so strong that it is difficult, if not impossible, to provide Marc with answers that don't correlate with my own views.
I am raising Marc to be a "freethinker." I've always been that. I refuse to believe something just "because." And I believe that faith in a god falls within that category. There are too many opposing views, too many interpretations, too many different holy books -- they cannot all be correct. And if one is wrong, why not all?
Religion, to me, is hope. Wishing that we have an ultimate purpose for life, hoping that this isn't all there is and a way to explain things that science has yet to uncover. I also think that when humans are able to face the concept of death and the finality of it, we wouldn't be so scared and need to think that we must continue to live on.
Again, without the concept of an afterlife, the entire purpose for a god diminishes. I taught Marc that long ago, people couldn't understand nature and they assigned gods to each natural function in order to maintain some illusion of control over nature, e.g., rain, thunder, lightning, fire, earthquakes. These people long ago tried to appease nature (gods) by chanting and sacrifice and blamed their inefficiency to control nature on the fact that they weren't praying enough, or weren't praying correctly, or the thunder god wanted a bull instead of a sheep.
They refused to think that maybe there are not any gods controlling nature. But now scientists are able to know why and how these things occur and even sometimes predict when they will occur. So the gods of nature slipped into history.
We cannot or may never understand what happens when we die, so god fills that gap presently.
Also, the evolution of life. We are constantly learning more about how the earth was formed and how we evolved. That gap is closing.
It is obvious that children suffer, terrorists attack and earthquakes destroy, for no apparent reason. It is extremely comforting to think that there is an ultimate purpose and those people will be "judged" accordingly. But, again, there really is no evidence of that and I'm more likely to think that those beliefs are led by emotions, not fact.
September 11 solidified my atheism. But for the concept of an afterlife, these nuts would have never had the motivation to succeed in their plot. And this is the responsibility of religion. Not specifically Islam or Judaism, but any religion which promotes this absurd, destructive belief of a heaven.
I know that Judaism tends to back off on the afterlife concept (although that is a modern thought), rather preferring to concentrate on earthly duties, but if you eliminate the concept of an afterlife, you eliminate the need to worship a god.
In the Torah, there some mention of the afterlife. Yet, it seems that the Jews have discovered that devoting one's life to the HOPE of an afterlife diminishes this earthly life. So, typical of religions, they reinterpret and neglect to teach all the immoral teachings in their holy book.
Christians drive me nuts with their threats of hell and the "I'm saved, and I'm holier than thou" crap.
I can honestly say that I never really believed in a god. But it wasn't until the last ten years that I really did some research and thought about it, in depth. I studied the history of ALL religions and discovered that man, not a god, chose which selections to include in each bible. It was voted on, like a law.
Do you think that I would want to intentionally isolate myself from my family? Knowing that your Judaism is the tie that bind you. It would be so easy for me to "pretend" and "play along" so I can feel included and loved.
I have always felt "different" due to being adopted. But that would be an emotional, selfish reaction, not one based on truth. Truth to myself.
In a way, I'm jealous. Jealous that you seem to have found something which offers you solace and comfort. Yet, to me it seems pointless, almost silly. I am sorry.
Joining the temple was a huge decision for me. It makes me a complete hypocrite, though. I want you to understand my motivations for joining so you don't think that deep down inside I am seeking god.
I always felt sending Marc to Hebrew School was contradictory. In all honesty, I was attempting to seek your approval. I wanted to somehow give Marc the opportunity to "fit in" with his family since Marc has no one on Lou's side to bond with. Also, society places an extreme importance on religious education and I didn't want to isolate Marc any more than he already is.
I justified that it couldn't hurt. After all, the kids are great, he learns a new language and Jewish culture is fun. Plus, I've made some new friends.
Now, it seems that it is not smart of me to continue to give Marc conflicting messages. I've told Marc that he is too young and uninformed to make any conclusions and to rule anything out, at this point. But he needs to be respectful and not mock others for their beliefs.
Recently, he had a "discussion" with Christina, which I overheard, where she was asking him why he doesn't believe in god. (I suppose she meant a god, in general because she subscribes to the Catholic variety.) And Marc actually came up with some intelligent answers. Some of them, I have never spoken to him about.
He said that nature made the plagues and humans evolved (not created) and a big explosion caused the earth. Plus the obvious ones like you can't see god, there were many gods, Moses couldn't live to be over 900 years old. Why would a god create us only to destroy us with Noah? Couldn't he have foreseen that?
When Christina asked him where he'll go when he dies. He said, "Probably the same place I was, before I was born."
These answers show me that he is, in fact, thinking about it.
Basically, I want to give Marc EVERY opportunity to experience life, to its fullest. No matter how much I say religion does not matter to me, it DOES matter because I have to live in this world with people who feel that religion is important.
I only want for Marc, what would make him a happy person. I don't tell him that he is a Jew, he must marry a Jew, or follow the rituals of a Jew no more than I tell him that he must be a doctor or marry a doctor. These feelings come from within. They are NOT passed down genetically. You might share a few similar genes with your fellow Jews, but we all have different ideas and beliefs.
I abhor the fact that children are subjected to this indoctrination at such an early age. An age where fantasy play is prominent. So susceptible and eager to please. They will recite, verbatim, what they are taught. Is it any wonder that children usually stay in the religion of their upbringing? Not for any sense of it being right or wrong. For the sake of tradition and really not knowing any other way to think.
I pride myself on the fact that I am teaching Marc to ask questions and not accept things at face value. The fault lies when you try and suppress questions and resort to "blind faith."
Dad, I in no way wish to insult anyone. I admire you. I think that you are extremely intelligent and you can run circles around many in the areas of math and science. Your morals and values are also very admirable.
Most people assume that religion, the essence of religion, is based generally on the teaching of good morals and values. It is not the morality issue of religion that bothers me. If that was the extent of religious training, I would be inclined to say, "How can it hurt?" Incidentally, that is Lou's feeling.
There are other aspects of your religion besides the dogma and indoctrination that bother me. Judaism is supposed to promote unity in people. But it seems that unity can only be accomplished if one shares the same rituals and beliefs.
You might tell me that you still love me and it doesn't matter what I believe, to you. But you know, deep inside that it is the ONLY important thing to you.
It hurt me deeply when you did not see me get married. You genuinely liked Lou and admitted that you wouldn't go because he was not Jewish. I never expected you to be overjoyed.
However, I had hoped that your love for me would supersede your prejudices.
Through the years, as each of my sisters got married, the hurt grew deeper. I contemplated not attending their weddings out of spite but decided that my sisters didn't deserve that. I watched as thousands of dollars was spent to celebrate their union. And all I could feel was that mine wasn't even acknowledged. It broke my heart.
A wedge was formed and that wedge is religion.
When Marc was born with hypospadias and needed surgery, I was grateful to see both my parents at the hospital with us. Boy, was it a shock to see YOUR Rabbi coming out of MY SON'S Surgery room. I had yet to decide what religion, if any, I planned to raise Marc with and again, the decision was made for me.
I wasn't even consulted. It was done in a sneaky fashion. I resented that. It was not your place to do that. I felt violated. This was MY CHILD and you can't control every situation. But since it meant so much to you, I let it go. Considering that a person is a Jew only if THEY CLAIM TO BE ONE, I figured time will tell and the trivial ceremonies that you behold so dearly are generally irrelevant to a person's true beliefs.
The fact that you were willing to spend $10,000 per year on a Yeshiva education for Marc also boils my blood. Lou, at that time, was earning only $25,000 a year, and I could never imagine spending half his yearly salary on a Yeshiva. I'm really trying to not sound bitter but, if that money was so readily available, and if a good education was the most important result, why not offer to send Marc to a private non-sectarian school, where EDUCATION is foremost?
It is my belief that it is not the "education" that concerned you as much as the JEWISH education. That is very sad to me. Because Marc is half of Lou. It seems that by even suggesting that Marc attend a yeshiva, it completely disrespects that other half of Marc's existence.
Please understand that Lou does NOT agree with me on any of this and he has less of a problem with many aspects of Judaism than I do.
Why would you expect anyone to want to raise their children in different way in which THEY believe? Do you realize what you asked of Lou (and me)? The problems that it could've created in my marriage? Or even the identity crisis that Marc may have suffered because of learning one way to live in school and coming home to another? Did it matter to you?
That is a huge burden to place on a child. What if Marc wanted to observe Orthodox Judaism? Our household will not change accordingly. He will battle with us. It would not be fair to ask of him to choose between fitting in at home or fitting in at school. Because both would never be possible. Why add extra burdens on a child who already needs to be medicated to fit in?
Would you ever send your children to Catholic school? Why wouldn't you? Because it goes against your belief system, right? Yet you expected that of me. Why?
Therefore, I will try to save those conflicts until Marc reaches adulthood. He won't feel like he has to please us and believe a certain way. And he can take his beliefs and use them to better his life, with the freedom adulthood allows.
Believe it or not, I strive for your acceptance. That is the reason I agreed, at first, about the Yeshiva. I tried to tell myself that it couldn't hurt. And that he'll get a quality education out of it.
But the more I thought about it, the more I saw that this would have caused many additional conflicts for our lives. The last straw was when you asked me NOT to bring Lou to our meeting about financial arrangements and financial aid with Solomon Shechter administrators.
I am not ashamed of Lou. Were you? I know, he's not Jewish. Same old mantra.
I know we never spoke about this, and I know that I made a promise to you years ago. I hope this clarifies why I made the decision NOT to have my child indoctrinated in the Jewish faith, it was a very well thought out decision.
From my end, a strictly selfish perspective, your religion is driving a wedge between any possibility of a healthy normal relationship between you and I. It hurts me that you never visit us, in OUR home. When you do, it is always "on the run." It hurts me that when we do see each other it is either to celebrate a Jewish holiday or on a sabbath, where we cannot do any of the "normal" things a parent and grandparent does with their family.
Your lives are centered around Judaism. That would be fine except I am not Jewish, and Marc is not Jewish. Oh, he's enough Jewish, on paper, that the temple let him in. But this is something that must be felt in your heart. And in my heart there is no god. Therefore, no Judaism.
What if every time I saw you I set up an altar and demanded that you respect my worshipping the invisible pink unicorn? Everywhere in my house is evidence of my belief. Every conversation we have centers around MY belief system. How would you feel?
I hardly have a relationship with my sisters. Nothing genuine, just superficial. Because I don't practice their belief system. You spend weekends at Jen's and Beth's apartments. Babysitting their children, celebrating the sabbath, etc. . . What kind of relationship do we have? Months go by, we don't speak.
I'm trying not to sound like a spoiled child, but we never spend any time with each other without Judaism being in the backdrop. Knowing that I don't practice it or believe, how come I must be subjected to this EVERY TIME WE SEE EACH OTHER?
You don't know me as a person. You don't know why I "just won't conform." You only want to try to change my beliefs to fit yours accordingly. That is evident when you offer to buy books about atheists being converted and telling me to speak with Josh, when we finally may have leaped forward to discuss what I believed and why I believe it.
It seems to me that your motivation is to change me. Let me assure you that my non-belief is sooooo strong, after years of research and studying why people believe in a supernatural, all powerful, all knowing being, I have come to understand the psychology behind it.
I would LOVE to have these discussions with you. But you wouldn't like what I have to say. So I shy away from it in order to keep the peace.
That part of the email was written about a year ago.
Now (2004) as Marc's bar mitzvah approaches [he was 11] there seem to be more problems.
As you know, we belong to a Conservative Temple. The women get called up for aliyahs, and they wear Tallitim. There is no separation between men and women. We are all viewed equally.
Mom mentioned to me that I need to request that Marc have his bar mitzvah on a Sunday. Well, that is not done in our temple.
I am now at a crossroads. I do not send Marc to Hebrew School for me or even for him. We do it for you. This is a sacrifice which eats away at me. I detest attending services and 6 hours per week of Hebrew School is a HUGE commitment.
Marc would prefer not to go and I would certainly appreciate the elimination of this burden in my life.
You cannot, in good conscience, ask that my temple entirely forego their rituals and traditions for Marc and his family.
No one walks into your temple and tells you how to do things. Out of respect, you are supposed to adhere to the rules and rituals of others when you are on their territory. I planned on doing a reading from the Torah. But now I hear from Mom that if any women are present on the bima, no one in my family would take the honor of an aliyah.
So, I must choose: me or the rest of my family. Since it is more important to you (collectively), that the Torah even exists and is read from, I'd relinquish that honor.
But now it has come down to this. I will not be asking my temple for any special treatment. Marc is scheduled to have a Saturday bar mitzvah and if you choose not to attend, we are stopping this charade and cutting ties with the temple.
This fraud of a lifestyle serves no purpose for us anymore.
You have a decision to make. How important is it TO YOU that Marc be bar mitzvah'd?
Could you, just this once, place someone else's feelings over the importance of your ritual?
Marc has worked VERY hard for the honor of being bar mitzvah'd. So much time and effort has been put in to reach this goal.
Will you disappoint him?
How will you explain that to him without reinforcing MY idea that your religion comes before ANYTHING?
What do you really expect?
Do you think that we should belong to an orthodox temple? Even if that was an option, they wouldn't accept us because of the intermarriage.
You were aware that I joined a Conservative temple. You knew what that represents.
Why does it have to be all or nothing?
I feel as if I am constantly sacrificing my beliefs for your acceptance. I cannot do it any longer. I am not Jewish and neither is my husband. Only time will tell what Marc will choose.
At every crucial stage in my life, you have chosen your religion over my feelings.
I know that you feel that Judaism is THE ONE TRUE RELIGION. Everyone who adheres to a religion feels that way, as I do with my atheism.
I love you and need you so much that I put up this facade for years. It is time for me to be honest and true to myself and not carry on as if I am Jewish. It is also time for you to come to terms with the fact that Judaism, the way you choose to practice it, does not unite us. Rather, it divides us.
Love,
Elisha
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tales from the Hell-hole - Part 1
My husband said the most touching thing to me yesterday when I told him that I was considering writing some posts about my experiences in South Oaks Mental Institution, circa 1985. He said that it hurts him so deeply that I had to go through all this crap with my family and that he wishes to put as much space that he can between then and now.
If they received any resistance from the patient, an announcement would be made over the PA system. "222 North West 2." This meant that there was a patient on our unit who was "going off" and all available male staff members should RUN to the aforementioned unit to provide back-up to the staff.
Flight Deck is where the REAL crazies were housed.
There were some memorable characters locked up with me. One guy, Tony, was a leader of a gang from Brooklyn and he was ordered to be in South Oaks by the court. It was either hospitalization or incarceration. So, we were subjected to Tony's gang mentality and behaviour.
Morning Meeting
Every morning after room check and breakfast we had a unit meeting. This forum and the weekly mandated "Women's Group" became a bitch fest. But it was here where we received all the important information from staff -- who was running low on cigarettes and had to call their parents to deliver more or who needed to bathe more because they stunk.
Anyway, one morning, we were informed that a staff member had lost her keys. This set of keys included her personal car and house keys and also the keys to unlock the doors within South Oaks. We were not allowed to have keys or any such objects, lest we try to use them as a weapon on others or ourselves.
We were told that we were under lock down until these keys were located. This meant that we would not be enjoying our daily outing of walking 50 feet to participate in mock school, RT (Recreational Therapy - AKA -Fucking GYM) or OT (Occupational Therapy - AKA - Fuckin' Arts and Crafts.)
A Reprieve
After about a week of this, I suppose they realized that they couldn't keep us in lock down forever. Teens were required to be educated and to participate in recreation and all the usual crap that public schools offer.
The first day back in the educational building, I sat on the bleachers to read a book. Tony, the gang member, was shooting hoops in the gym. He was alone, and I was ignoring him. I heard a clank and saw keys fall to the floor when Tony jumped up to throw the ball.
It was apparent that these were the keys that the staff and hospital administrators were searching for the prior week since keys were considered contraband.
Threats and Fear
Tony's eyes locked onto mine. He didn't have to say a word. His eyes said it all. His look was threatening. I had every reason to be afraid since he claimed to have connections in a gang
I said nothing to anyone. Not only was I afraid for my life but I had no idea what Tony planned to do with these keys. Was he planning to break out? Was it just him or were other people involved? Maybe he was planning to have someone else break in. I didn't know what Tony planned to do with these keys or how much of a safety threat this was.
I was on high alert, waiting for something to happen. I decided to confide in my roommate, Laura. I guess she was scared to have this knowledge because that evening I was called into a meeting with the staff. I was told that they found the keys in Tony's possession and he is no longer a threat to me.
Sorry, but I just didn't have the confidence that South Oaks had the ability to protect me from dangerous gang members. And I still don't. How dare they punish me for putting the value of MY OWN LIFE above following the rules and the functioning of the institution?
This seems to be a repeated theme in my life - having to endure unjust and disproportionate consequences for not falling in line and following the rules that are apparently expected.
It has not been in vain. I still have my integrity and my identity, though the price has been high.
I tried to explain that there are just some events in one's life where you will never forget --traumatizing, life altering events. Almost 25 years have passed, and I can still feel the sting of my parents' betrayal. They created an elaborate ruse in order to lock me in an institution when I was 15 years old. I wrote about it in a previous post.
I yearned for freedom ever since I can remember. Nothing could have prepared me for life in a locked institution where some of these kids actually had REAL problems like being violent, stealing, alcohol or drug problems, schizophrenia, psychosis, Bulimia and many other anti-social behavior problems.
As with the bullying and the tormenting which I endured throughout my childhood during school, I will never forget those who made my life hell. Some victims of extreme bullying chose to bring weapons to school and annihilate those who victimized them. I could understand their desperation and frustration. I had often wanted to do harm to those that bullied me too and those that betrayed me - my parents.
South Oaks Unit NW 2
Life in 1985, South Oaks Unit North West 2 was never dull. There was always someone who was angry and about to "go off." "Going Off" was a phrase that was frequently used in the institution. Basically, it meant to have a temper tantrum or some other violent outburst. This could consist of violence to staff or another patient, destruction of property or self-mutilating behaviour.
If they received any resistance from the patient, an announcement would be made over the PA system. "222 North West 2." This meant that there was a patient on our unit who was "going off" and all available male staff members should RUN to the aforementioned unit to provide back-up to the staff.
The decision to call a "222" was publicly heard by all of us on the unit, since the male staff would have to yell to the nursing station, where the PA system operated, typically across the unit, during the heat of a confrontation. We, the patients, would gawk and some would cheer or yell for the nurse to "Call a 222." This, I'm sure, contributed to confusion among the staff.
But it was then where it was decided how much action we would see. Would the institution raise the level of violence by bringing in the forces?
When a "222" was called, we would watch as 10-20 adult men in white coats, ran into our unit from all 4 entrances, looking for the commotion. Meanwhile the female staff members were attempting to protect the remaining patients who were still trying to get close to the action.
After 8-10 men pile on top of the angry adolescent, they would tie him into a straight jacket and then give him a shot of Thorazine to calm him down. The patient is then dragged or hauled by the male staffers to "Flight Deck" to be evaluated by his doctor.
Flight Deck is where the REAL crazies were housed.
There were some memorable characters locked up with me. One guy, Tony, was a leader of a gang from Brooklyn and he was ordered to be in South Oaks by the court. It was either hospitalization or incarceration. So, we were subjected to Tony's gang mentality and behaviour.
Morning Meeting
Every morning after room check and breakfast we had a unit meeting. This forum and the weekly mandated "Women's Group" became a bitch fest. But it was here where we received all the important information from staff -- who was running low on cigarettes and had to call their parents to deliver more or who needed to bathe more because they stunk.
Anyway, one morning, we were informed that a staff member had lost her keys. This set of keys included her personal car and house keys and also the keys to unlock the doors within South Oaks. We were not allowed to have keys or any such objects, lest we try to use them as a weapon on others or ourselves.
We were told that we were under lock down until these keys were located. This meant that we would not be enjoying our daily outing of walking 50 feet to participate in mock school, RT (Recreational Therapy - AKA -Fucking GYM) or OT (Occupational Therapy - AKA - Fuckin' Arts and Crafts.)
Violations
During this period, we had our rooms stripped bare and searched. We were taken one by one into the nurses area and strip searched - every cavity.
We were also interrogated individually by hospital administration who threatened us with the wrath of the entire administration of South Oaks.
Despite their effort, no keys were found.A Reprieve
After about a week of this, I suppose they realized that they couldn't keep us in lock down forever. Teens were required to be educated and to participate in recreation and all the usual crap that public schools offer.
The first day back in the educational building, I sat on the bleachers to read a book. Tony, the gang member, was shooting hoops in the gym. He was alone, and I was ignoring him. I heard a clank and saw keys fall to the floor when Tony jumped up to throw the ball.
It was apparent that these were the keys that the staff and hospital administrators were searching for the prior week since keys were considered contraband.
Threats and Fear
Tony's eyes locked onto mine. He didn't have to say a word. His eyes said it all. His look was threatening. I had every reason to be afraid since he claimed to have connections in a gang
I said nothing to anyone. Not only was I afraid for my life but I had no idea what Tony planned to do with these keys. Was he planning to break out? Was it just him or were other people involved? Maybe he was planning to have someone else break in. I didn't know what Tony planned to do with these keys or how much of a safety threat this was.
I was on high alert, waiting for something to happen. I decided to confide in my roommate, Laura. I guess she was scared to have this knowledge because that evening I was called into a meeting with the staff. I was told that they found the keys in Tony's possession and he is no longer a threat to me.
Busted anyway
I was relieved. But then I was informed that all my privileges were revoked -- smoking whenever I wanted instead of having to wait for the allotted 'cigarette times', going outside for recreation, having visitors other than your parents, having passes to leave the grounds with parents.
I was so pissed. I was being punished because I didn't rat on Tony. This is the way these institutions operated and still do, to the best of my knowledge. They rely on a system of rewarding rats and punishing those who don't fall in line. It didn't matter that my life was endangered and it still was, as far as I was concerned, because Tony had ample time to give my name out to his gang pals in Brooklyn.Sorry, but I just didn't have the confidence that South Oaks had the ability to protect me from dangerous gang members. And I still don't. How dare they punish me for putting the value of MY OWN LIFE above following the rules and the functioning of the institution?
This seems to be a repeated theme in my life - having to endure unjust and disproportionate consequences for not falling in line and following the rules that are apparently expected.
It has not been in vain. I still have my integrity and my identity, though the price has been high.
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