This is a series of E-mails which I exchanged with one of my sisters, Elana. She is married to Rabbi Joshua Maroof. This exchange shows the deterioration of a casual, sisterly relationship into complete ostracism.
She apparently is unable to accept the fact that I have made a personal change in my life and divorced the father of my children because he was abusive and I had found someone who I would rather be with; someone who cares about me and doesn't abuse me with his words or deeds.
I understand that Elana cannot fathom divorcing her husband, since she relies on him financilly and has 4 kids with him. But is it necessary that my sister completely agree with my decisions in MY life in order to have a relationship with me?
I guess so.
It is my opinion that people who hold fundamental religious views are judgemental and forceful when espousing what they think YOU should do with YOUR life. And they have nothing of substance to back up their assertions.
I have attempted to communicate with my sister numerous times since this exchange -- to no avail.
Elana needs to know that I am, in fact, married to my ideal man (Alan) and her naked accusations about my husband's intentions to marry me were premature and incorrect- not to mention judgemental.
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Here it is:
(From Elisha)
Elana,
I've been meaning to call you because so much stuff has been happening. I suppose I'll write instead. I am scheduling a visit to NY for April 25-26. I wanted to go earlier but Lou has plans and since I must rely on him for transportation, I must be accommodating. M, Z. and I will stay at the Long Island Marriott, where we stayed before. We were in a suite. (The kids had separate rooms) The hotel has an indoor pool and jacuzzi and the mall is a $5 cab ride away.
I asked Marty [our father] several times if we could use his Riverdale Apartment, which is vacant since he lives in Israel. It would help save $200 for lodging and after asking THREE times (via email) he responded that he tries to rent it out when he's not there. Ok. Fine. I will ask him again for this visit and every visit thereafter because I don't think that he WANTS me to stay there overnight. NICE fucking father.
Marty comes to the USA and doesn't call me. I haven't seen him in almost a year.
Alan [my husband] is divorced as of this week. He just gained sole possession of the house after paying Judith her share. (He said that this is the largest check that he has ever written to anyone.) Judith [his ex] remains a tenant until the end of April. We will be moving in there April 28 - 30. Our current lease here is up at the end of April, and Judith has to move out on the 28th.
Things are still bogged down in NY court. I don't know what the heck the problem is. We had a signed agreement back in October. I can't believe that Alan's divorce is over before mine.
I have much more to tell you like my depression and stuff but I have to go out.
Basically, a couple of months ago Alan said that he wasn't sure that he was going to marry me and I absolutely flipped out emotionally. He is in therapy and I have given him an ultimatum (which I can't stand to do). I told him that I did not leave my family to be shacked up and if he doesn't marry me, I'll go back to NY and go on welfare because at least then I will be near the kids. I can't break out of this depression. I will call or finish up later.
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(To Elisha)
(From Elana)
hey - sounds like you have quite a bit going onfirst of all, no matter how you feel, out of respect to me, please call Dad "Dad" when writing to me - no matter what things he does that annoy me - I call him Dad - so for my sake - do that when writing me. I understand you have your own feelings and I don't mean to take away from them.
so, why did Alan say he would not marry you? If I were you, I would get out now. But hey, that's just my opinion. What is new with the kids?
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Elana,
I will respect you and refer to our father as Dad or the like. I didn't mean to offend you. I am trying to distance myself emotionally to him. That's all. Sorry.
Real brief: As of now, we seemed to have worked out the marriage issue. (We will be getting married.) Here is/was the issue in a nutshell: I obviously assumed that marriage was going to be the culmination of our relationship. We did mention it, in the past, many times, in previous conversations but never definitively.
A couple of months ago, when we were at a divorce meeting with his lawyer in the courthouse cafe, I said that this is the courthouse where you get the marriage licenses and that's when he dropped this bombshell on me.
He assured me that he was not opposed to marrying me. He just has so much on his plate right now that just thinking about it will just add to the stress.
I was devastated and I just couldn't believe that this was happening. I basically cried for days and he relented and agreed to get married. Neither one of us was even divorced yet so I knew that it would be some time.
I dropped the subject and everything went back to blissful normal. Six weeks ago, I mentioned something casually to him about if I should change my NY drivers license to Illinois or should I wait until we're married and I have my name changed also, when we're married. And that's when he tells me that he is still having problems with the idea of us getting married.
We agreed that therapy was warranted. [. . . personal therapy stuff]
After a month or so, I fell apart and told him that I don't want to give him an ultimatum but I have to. June 1st. That satisfaction of an ultimatum lasted only a week and I fell apart again with fear and anxiety.
He has now agreed to marry me but I am not fooling myself. I'm still sad and trying to make mental preparations. There is so much more to this involving our father and his advice. He actually gave fantastic advice and shocked the shit out of me.
He told me NOT to give Alan an ultimatum. (this conversation with Dad took place prior to the ultimatum) He said that I had made drastic decisions recently and I need to calm down and don't pressure Alan.
I agreed intellectually and really was good (emotionally) for a week but then the emotions and anxiety set in and I pressured Alan. So, this is where we are, a delicate balance.
What I can't make clear in mere words, however, is how much I KNOW he loves me. I know he is scared because he failed twice in marriage and he has some problems with our age difference. I need to stop here because I must move on from this.
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(To Elisha)
(From Elana.)
I need to be blunt - sorry - there is no other way - Alan has problems - that's why he needs therapy - that's why he takes pot to calm his anxiety. You are smart Elisha - you know that this could end in disaster. Look, you have problems too. You know that. Your problem is not one of commitment , you have other issues that you are aware of. I am sure you would marry him and have no problem with it. But, I am honestly not sure you should trust him. And therapy - yeah - therapy for issues can take forever. Truthfully, I feel like even if he agrees to marry you, you are going to have issues with him in the future. Anyway, let me know what happens. And yeah, an ultimatum for someone who does not want to do something can ultimately backfire. Good luck. I wish I could see you become a completely independent person, someone with the ability to support themselves and not rely on a man. You are certainly smart enough.
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Elana,
Yes, Alan has problems. And this is why we both smoke pot (to calm anxiety). Smoking pot is not an issue. If the mental health system worked optimally, there would be legally prescribed drugs which could reduce anxiety and depression without huge side effects and risks to your body. (I have tried a good number of them)
Pot has none of these things and most of the benefits that the legal drug companies claim. If you ever want to get into a discussion about the benefits of marijuana and our government's failed drug war, let me know.
See Elana, I do not think that psychiatry, as practiced today, is a benefit to anyone. The "medications" are a disaster and this whole talking therapy could be helpful if and only if you hooked up with a really smart, intuitive, communicative person who actually cares enough to try and help.
And THE most important element in my opinion, would be having the therapy be goal orientated. Without that, a person would be hopelessly attending talking therapy sessions without an end in sight. We can always find something to bitch and complain about and attribute blame.
This is why when Alan suggested therapy, I was not hopeful. I see it as you do, that this will take forever. I don't have time for him to go through an entire mental process. I told him that the therapy had to be goal orientated and this goal being that we will be married. - I will not accept this relationship on any other terms. He agreed.
When you said that you are not sure that I should trust him, what do you mean?
When you said that I should get out now, where should I go?
See, that question brings me to a state of anxiety to where there is no drug (legal or illegal) that can make me forget - that I am one step from homelessness.
Regarding my independence: It is not possible. I have way more issues than anyone ever imagined. Jeez, I gave you the statistics. (didn't I?) It's either living with a husband or whatever for me, Elana. But I'm happy to hear other suggestions, if you have them.
I have learned that stability and safety are prime issues for people like me. From childhood on, if the person doesn't feel safe and secure, there is less chance of success of independence. I never felt that as a child. I was always bullied in school and had Tourette, OCD and ADHD, a lot of anger because no medications ever worked to control my symptoms.
I was physically punished by our parents on many occasions and not your ordinary swat on the behind. Dad used the back of Pi's (Do you remember our dog?) brush to hit me and he'd drag me down the stairs by my hair. I never felt safe. I never felt secure in our parents love or devotion for me - Now or from childhood.
Our parents never told me I had all these problems although they definitely knew. I went through my medical records with Dr. Bruun. She was shocked to hear that I spent my entire childhood and early adulthood not knowing that I had ADHD, slight OCD and a mood disorder. I guess they couldn't keep the Tourette Syndrome a secret since I barked like a dog.
And then there was the compulsory religion which came at me in the form of further restrictions.
My point is not to dwell on what may be considered abuse nowadays, but to tell you that I didn't have a chance of adult independence - never did.
That mental institution stint right around the time I was supposed to be taking the SAT's and the NY Regents didn't do anything for my educational skills either.
Then I married into an abusive situation to get away from an abusive situation. Whereas, I was no angel in my marriage to Lou, I could be very verbally thrashing but Lou always took it to the next level with violence. This didn't happen often, as I said - approximately 8 times during the course of our relationship, 3 being prior to getting married and 2 incidents happening in front of Marc.
Marc watched Lou try to strangle me.
But I was never scared of Lou. That's my own pathology, I suppose. I was never afraid of our father either. This is what I told myself to convince myself that I was not abused. I was not scared. What can I say?
I always told myself that if it got to the point where I needed to, I'd defend myself, in any way possible. At least right now, I KNOW that I am safe.
I do not yet feel secure but we are working on that. I can wish and pray all I want to become independent but I won't delude myself.
Elisha
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(From Elana)
(To Elisha)
I can only write a short note this time - but i will say this quickly. I think you use your labels - the labels that "define" your problems to define yourself. You use them as a crutch. You can argue with this as much as you want, but the truth is that recognizing thing s that hold you back, is half the work of overcoming them.
I love you, you are my sister, but I must be honest. I think you are intelligent, but I also think you are a bit lazy. You use your medical terms to excuse yourself from responsibilty. I have known you, I have watched you, my life was altered by you growing up. I have seen you go through different stages.
You may know yourself better than anyone, but I also think you delude yourself. You are capable of more than you let on - and plenty of people who didn't feel "safe" or "loved" move on - and you have the resources mentally to do so.
Frankly I could care less what the statistics say - if you could get off your butt and leave your family - than you could get off your butt and do something to improve yourself by yourself. You are not a helpless baby who needs a man. You are an adult who can make decisions to become a stronger better person.
Do I think you will listen to this? No. So why do I bother? I guess b/c when you care about someone you try as many times as you can. I know I have said this to you in the past. I will always be honest with you.
Psychology was something that always interested me. Yes, I think that there need to be more competent therapists. Yes, I think that not all drugs are made equal. Do I think that pot is the answer to your anxiety? no. Do I think that is a really good excuse? Sure.
I am an anxious person by nature. I don't take pot. I don't take any drug.
Anyway, you need to stop looking back - and look forward - by that I don't mean about your marriage - I mean about yourself - stop blaming who you are today on everything from the past - on everybody else - take a good look at yourself. This is all you.
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Elana,
I'm sorry. I made a mistake which I tend to repeat over and over. I attempted to convey my fears and anxiety to one of my sisters and received an insulting, judgmental response based on incomplete biased knowledge.
Last year, I was insulted and berated by Jennifer [our sister] for being overweight and smoking cigarettes and she chose to do this during one of the worst days of my life. There was no provocation by me at all. Sheer maliciousness, on her part.
Then Beth. told me that she basically agreed with Jen. You smartly stayed out of it - Although you did tell me some things which I didn't like to hear but I respected you because sometimes the truth is painful and sometimes others have a different perspective on things.
I asked for your opinion then and you gave it to me. There are two issues here, as far as I see it.
Your opinion of me, my disorders, lack of independence and such and my leaving my family to start a new relationship.
I asked you two questions in my previous email
1) When you said that you are not sure that I should trust him, (Alan) what do you mean?
2) And when you said that I should get out now, where should I go?
You didn't answer these questions. You really do not know much about our relationship so why would you say that I shouldn't trust him?
I also need to make this short. You made hurtful accusations about me leaving my family. I would like to hear your solution to an abusive marriage.
Are you advocating staying in an abusive marriage for the sake of the children?
Marc saw it. He heard everything.
At what point does an abusive marriage become detrimental to the kids?
I'm just sick and tired of people making judgments about me under the guise of loving me.
Loving a person means trying to ease their pain, not adding salt to their wounds.
Elisha
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(From Elana.)
(To Elisha)
Listen, you can be mature and not accuse everyone of insulting and berating you - you are my sister - and I am honest b/c of that - if you don't want honesty - then you don't need to write me. I try not to pass judgement on you despite the fact that I obviously disagree with your choices.
IF you want someone to just be a yes man and say whatever makes you feel good - find someone else.
I am not my sisters - I am nobody but myself. Deal with it or find a friend. I don't engage in this type of thing. You can respond or not.
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(To Elana.)
(From Elisha)
Why don't you call me? 847-
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(To Elisha)
(From Elana.)
I have three kids I am taking care of right now. I don't have the time for a long conversation. Look at all our old e-mails. They are about you. That is fine. You need to talk. I don't. But if you want to talk to me, then you will have to deal with my honesty, otherwise, I'm sorry, that's all I can offer you.
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(To Elana)
(From Elisha)
Whatever Elana. I get it. I was giving you an update on the situation here and you responded with insulting opinions.
Calling you on your disrespect and rudeness does not make me immature.
It's really convenient that you would say all these hurtful things and then try to stand on some pedestal and say that you don't engage in this type of thing.
Your right, Elana. You don't engage in "this type of thing."
You prefer to end it right after you say your piece - kind of like a last word thing, huh?
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(From Elana.)
(To Elisha)
No Elisha, this thing means I don't engage in a relationship of pretending. I am sorry if I came across as rude , that was not my intention. As I said if this is not the type of relationship you are interesed in, I am sorry. Good luck, I really wish you well.
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(To Elana.)
(From Elisha)
I don't engage in relationships where I have to pretend either. I don't think that you have enough information to make the judgments that you did. Maybe you know enough about me and my disorders to comment on that but certainly you don't understand the problems in my marriage with Lou nor do you completely understand my relationship with Alan.
So, when you told me that I should get out of this relationship now and that I shouldn't trust Alan, I wanted to know why you felt that way. I respected your opinion.
I never did hear why.
I am not offended by your assessment of me and my "issues." I'm happy to discuss this at any time. I'm all about the truth, Elana. If you have it or can show it to me, I'm all ears.
I was, however, offended by your accusation that I abandoned my family. Half the country comes from divorced families. I abandoned my marriage. There is a huge difference.
Things take time and divorces don't occur overnight. This is a difficult adjustment period. I'm allowed to be upset and depressed over this.
You don't have to agree with my decisions to be my friend.
I know that you would never do some of the things that I did. But so what? You do some things that I consider silly and a waste of time, but I would never think of hurting you by telling you my opinion of your choices.
Must there be brutal honesty? Can't we respect our differences while still caring about each other?
Isn't it enough for you to understand that I was unhappy and unhealthy in my marriage.
Who are we to judge what goes on in other people's homes behind closed doors?
I asked you what you would have done in my situation? I cared about your opinion. I didn't hear an answer.
I don't want to let this relationship die.
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(To Elisha)
(From Elana)
Look Elisha, our relationship is one sided. It is all about you. Like i said, you need to talk, I don't. I have a healthy family life and a strong social network. I think it may be better for you to speak with a counselor or maybe join some groups so you have a stronger network as well. I think it would be better if you had more people to talk to.
I am happy to hear updates on your life. Really, I do want to know what is going on in your life. But I just can't be the person - one of the only ones - as you said you are alone - to hear all your problems and complaints.
I have very strong feelings about your choices in life and after a while I suppose I can't hold back anymore. I f you would still like to write me and tell me about things that are going on,I would like that.
Love,
Elana
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(To Elana)
(From Elisha)
This relationship was one-sided because that was what you chose. You never called me or wrote to me without my prompting and you never spoke to me about yourself. Of course, it was one-sided. It was all my effort.
I still don't understand what about my decision to leave my marriage you don't agree with. And I've asked you to elaborate and you can't/won't.
Shall I live my entire life with potential violence? From Marty to Lou to the grave.
Grow up, E. Things aren't as black and white in the real world.
Anyway, a sisterhood or friendship is based on acceptance without judgments and you and my sisters are not capable of that. (due to your fundamentalist ideology, which I know that you will never recognize either)
Go bury your head in the sand now because I tried to engage you and asked you to back up your accusations that Alan is untrustworthy.
Like your Hit and Run comments. I'm not your child and I do respond to being attacked.
You are similar to our sisters where you think that you can say anything that you want to me without repercussions.
Actually it's worse than that because you think that I should respect what you say too. Lol
Elisha
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