Well, it's Chanukah and even though I do not personally adhere to the prerequisite beliefs of Judaism, my mother had always made Chanukah fun for our family when she was alive. With her gone, Chanukah, for me, has apparently been buried too.
We used to have a huge Chanukah party with our entire family, play pin the candle on the menorah, spin the dreidel, make latkes, sing Chanukah songs, have the kids play their instruments and of course, presents.
This year, I can forget about any semblance of previous years. I can't even find my family. I have attempted to reach out to my sisters via email and asked for their addresses to send Chanukah cards. I received no response. I even called my brother-in-law on his cell phone and asked him to pass along holiday greetings to my sister, Beth, and I received no reply from her.
I have sent my father four emails in a week with life updates, pictures and best wishes. I continue to get no response. NOTHING. I asked him for my sister's addresses and his current address (not sure if he is still visiting the USA or he's back in Israel) and he continues to ignore me.
I am hurt. My sisters are having more children, changing jobs and moving and I am never in the loop. My children do not know their cousins. I am deliberately kept isolated.
I suppose I should stop beating my head against the wall.
Since I am currently over 700 miles from my own children, I only see them sporadically. We are working on moving closer to them but the housing market and our mutual divorces have been obstacles. I cry almost daily because I miss my children terribly. The only way I can mentally deal with this separation from my children is to tell myself that eventually I will be closer to them.
Sometimes, like this morning, I can't get myself mentally functioning. I had trouble getting up out of bed, couldn't stop crying, and couldn't get anything done. I miss my kids so much that I can't stand it sometimes. I also miss my former father and my sisters. It would be nice to have a familial support system.
Leaving the household my kids were living in with their (abusive) father was the hardest thing that I ever did. In light of this, I don't understand how my father can be so cold and non-caring toward me.
AND: We had an open house today and NOBODY showed up. All that cleaning and scrubbing. What a waste.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Richard Dawkins speaks eloquently
On Religion
By Richard Dawkins
December 6th 2009
http://www.youngfreethought.com/2009/12/message-of-support-from-richard-dawkins.html
Every day, all across the world, millions of our fellow humans are diminished by religion: religion that may force them to mutilate their children, cover their hair or faces, stay silent when they have so much more to say than those who suppress them, surrender control over their reproduction, donate money they cannot afford, obey and submit to their inferiors, deny reality, forgo education, close their minds, reject proper medical care, suffer needlessly, be burdened by pointless guilt, and live with the spectre of eternal torment. Every day, religion works to recruit more victims, among the young, the sick, the poor and dispossessed, the old: anyone who is weak and vulnerable is a legitimate target in religion’s eyes.
Of course, in any civilised society people must be free to believe whatever they want, but this doesn't mean those beliefs should be automatically shielded from challenge just because they are religious, and it certainly doesn't mean they should be enshrined in law or promulgated by the state. It doesn't mean that the state should abet churches and mosques and temples in trying to convert young minds in schools. It doesn't mean that young people should be divided from one another throughout their all-important school lives purely because their parents happen to follow different creeds. It doesn't mean we should allow our state broadcaster to perpetuate the myth that you need religion to be good. It doesn't mean that the minority of people who are actively religious should have privileged access to our lawmakers, their opinions sought out by policy makers, their bishops sit, as of right, in the House of Lords, their representatives automatically packing government committees or Royal Commissions with an ethical brief. It doesn't mean that our hard-pressed NHS should squander money paying chaplains out of its already over-stretched budgets. It doesn't mean that schools should be obliged to force pupils into daily acts of worship.
Every major battle for the advancement of human rights has been won in the teeth of fierce religious opposition: whether it's the abolition of slavery, equality for women or gays, freedom of speech, the abolition of the blasphemy law, the right of a woman to control her own fertility, or the right of the terminally ill to choose to end their suffering with dignity and medical assistance.
So, this really matters – in the real world and not just in Internet chat rooms. Of course we must leave people in peace to practise religion if they so choose. But the rest of us must be left in peace to live our lives without it. The religious want more and more influence over government policy and, if they succeed, our society will be the poorer: less tolerant, less equal, less just, less educated, less rational. These issues should matter to all of us, but young people are the ones who should care most of all. You will inherit the societies that current governments leave behind. This is your future we are talking about, and the kind of society you want to live in.
If you want – and what decent person wouldn't? – to live with the best Enlightenment values, live free and tolerant and committed to knowledge and education and reason, then you must speak up and let your voices be heard.
By Richard Dawkins
December 6th 2009
http://www.youngfreethought.com/2009/12/message-of-support-from-richard-dawkins.html
Every day, all across the world, millions of our fellow humans are diminished by religion: religion that may force them to mutilate their children, cover their hair or faces, stay silent when they have so much more to say than those who suppress them, surrender control over their reproduction, donate money they cannot afford, obey and submit to their inferiors, deny reality, forgo education, close their minds, reject proper medical care, suffer needlessly, be burdened by pointless guilt, and live with the spectre of eternal torment. Every day, religion works to recruit more victims, among the young, the sick, the poor and dispossessed, the old: anyone who is weak and vulnerable is a legitimate target in religion’s eyes.
Of course, in any civilised society people must be free to believe whatever they want, but this doesn't mean those beliefs should be automatically shielded from challenge just because they are religious, and it certainly doesn't mean they should be enshrined in law or promulgated by the state. It doesn't mean that the state should abet churches and mosques and temples in trying to convert young minds in schools. It doesn't mean that young people should be divided from one another throughout their all-important school lives purely because their parents happen to follow different creeds. It doesn't mean we should allow our state broadcaster to perpetuate the myth that you need religion to be good. It doesn't mean that the minority of people who are actively religious should have privileged access to our lawmakers, their opinions sought out by policy makers, their bishops sit, as of right, in the House of Lords, their representatives automatically packing government committees or Royal Commissions with an ethical brief. It doesn't mean that our hard-pressed NHS should squander money paying chaplains out of its already over-stretched budgets. It doesn't mean that schools should be obliged to force pupils into daily acts of worship.
Every major battle for the advancement of human rights has been won in the teeth of fierce religious opposition: whether it's the abolition of slavery, equality for women or gays, freedom of speech, the abolition of the blasphemy law, the right of a woman to control her own fertility, or the right of the terminally ill to choose to end their suffering with dignity and medical assistance.
So, this really matters – in the real world and not just in Internet chat rooms. Of course we must leave people in peace to practise religion if they so choose. But the rest of us must be left in peace to live our lives without it. The religious want more and more influence over government policy and, if they succeed, our society will be the poorer: less tolerant, less equal, less just, less educated, less rational. These issues should matter to all of us, but young people are the ones who should care most of all. You will inherit the societies that current governments leave behind. This is your future we are talking about, and the kind of society you want to live in.
If you want – and what decent person wouldn't? – to live with the best Enlightenment values, live free and tolerant and committed to knowledge and education and reason, then you must speak up and let your voices be heard.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
M&M for Marty (memories and message)
From Conservative to Orthodox - overnight (almost)
I always wondered why my mother, who was active in her conservative synagogue, went along with my father when he announced that he was quitting Temple Beth Chai of Hauppauge in the '80's.
Now I understand how the religious mindset works. The reward and punishment system which they use along with the psychological mindfucks to try to control others is amazing. (But it is really about the need to control the flow of information to the believer.)
All of the following examples come from my family.
The threats: "Don't date (or marry) a non Jew OR ELSE . . "
The rewards: "Marry a Rabbi and I'll buy you an $800,000 house."
The manipulations: Sneaking a Rabbi into the hospital to preform a Bris on my son without my permission.
The bribery: "Send your son to a Yeshiva and I'll give you $$$ every month."
The ostracism: Never see your non-religious daughter (and rarely visit with her children - your grandchildren) or even acknowledge her birthday or marriage, yet spend a lot of time with the siblings and grandchildren who are being raised in a Jewish home.
And a threat that may be rare, but it happened in my family: "Become Orthodox with me or I'll divorce you."
In the 80's, my mother was content right where she was on the religious observance spectrum.
Around the mid-eighties, Temple Beth Chai was in the process of hiring a female Rabbi, which is something my father objected to. He wanted to maintain "tradition," so he said. [Presently, the synagogue he now attends dismisses women to separate areas while the men are praying in the sanctuary. This blatant unequal treatment of women does not faze him a bit. It is tradition, after all. Humph.]
Leaving Beth Chai must have been devastating for my mother, who was present at the Temple's ground breaking. She also built its library from nothing. I have specific memories of her at the typewriter, creating pockets for the donated books and a logging system so the Hebrew School kids could take out books.
Mom was President of the Sisterhood and organized all Hebrew school events and schedules. She was also a social butterfly. She would typically sit in the back row during Friday evening services and talk to her girl friends. Then they would prepare the Oneg (food and drink) for after the service.
I think that Mom used the temple as her outlet to perform voluntary work, to use her skills as an educator and as a social network. I never saw Mom devote herself to prayer or rigidly adhere to ritual. She was barely able to read Hebrew and only knew the most basic prayers.
Until I was 16, Mom would even take us kids to Burger King every Wednesday, without our father (was he working late??). He certainly wouldn't have approved, since we were supposed to be kosher both inside and outside of our home by this time (1986).
So, when I heard that my father walked out of a board meeting where they just voted on the new FEMALE Rabbi, I was happy that I no longer had to attend a temple (because the closest Orthodox shul was 5 miles away, and I was NOT walking there), but I knew that my mother would miss Temple Beth Chai.
Fast forward to this day in 2005: Exactly one day after my mother died, we were Sitting Shiva at my childhood home. Shiva is the Jewish grieving process by which seven days are devoted to remembering the family member that died; the process has countless ritualistic and symbolic strictures attached.
My father was engaged in conversation with a familiar face from the old temple, Beth Chai.
When I entered the room, they were in the middle of a discussion, so I wasn't privy to the beginning of the conversation, but my father was telling this person that my mother was, in fact, upset when they ultimately quit Beth Chai.
That piqued my interest because I thought it was a mutual decision, kind of.
I then asked my father: why couldn't they come to a compromise regarding their practice of Judaism? In other words, couldn't my father attend the Orthodox shul of his choice and my mother remain at the conservative temple which she helped build up from nothing?
Little did I know that my father's response to that would be revealing and prophetic.
He told me that my mother "understood the consequences and what it meant for their relationship if she would remain a part of Temple Beth Chai when that temple was becoming more egalitarian [giving women religious rights previously held only by men] and he [my father] was becoming more orthodox."
I questioned my father as to what precisely was meant by "My mother understanding the consequences." He bluntly stated that their relationship would not survive this impasse.
Wow! The audacity of that statement still stings. My mother must have felt extreme pressure from him. And to save her marriage and family she chose to give up the temple, her temple. She couldn't continue to witness the fruits of her labor and to be active in the community which she helped build. Of course, this meant that many of her friendships would suffer.
That was a really shitty thing to hear from my father ONE day after my mother had died.
But it is classic Marty. He has no relationship with his own brother or his sister and their families. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that they are not practicing Orthodox Judaism.
Now he is doing the same to me. He does not like my choices. I am an atheist and I divorced my children's father because he is an overall dick.
Oh well, Marty. These are MY choices.
Recently, I have told my father that I do not respect his religiosity, his authority figures, (Rabbis) nor his "it's my way or the highway" attitude.
So, yes, Marty, I understand the consequences of not sharing your beliefs or of not giving Orthodox Judaism the lip service which you think it is entitled to.
I understand what you choose to do when people in YOUR FAMILY choose a different path other than yours.
Your bigoted message is loud and clear.
You can't control me like you did my mother.
Just grow some balls and admit to me that you won't have anything to do with people who are NOT of your kind. And this includes your own daughter.
Stop being so passive/aggressive and confront the situation with me.
I always wondered why my mother, who was active in her conservative synagogue, went along with my father when he announced that he was quitting Temple Beth Chai of Hauppauge in the '80's.
Now I understand how the religious mindset works. The reward and punishment system which they use along with the psychological mindfucks to try to control others is amazing. (But it is really about the need to control the flow of information to the believer.)
All of the following examples come from my family.
The threats: "Don't date (or marry) a non Jew OR ELSE . . "
The rewards: "Marry a Rabbi and I'll buy you an $800,000 house."
The manipulations: Sneaking a Rabbi into the hospital to preform a Bris on my son without my permission.
The bribery: "Send your son to a Yeshiva and I'll give you $$$ every month."
The ostracism: Never see your non-religious daughter (and rarely visit with her children - your grandchildren) or even acknowledge her birthday or marriage, yet spend a lot of time with the siblings and grandchildren who are being raised in a Jewish home.
And a threat that may be rare, but it happened in my family: "Become Orthodox with me or I'll divorce you."
In the 80's, my mother was content right where she was on the religious observance spectrum.
Around the mid-eighties, Temple Beth Chai was in the process of hiring a female Rabbi, which is something my father objected to. He wanted to maintain "tradition," so he said. [Presently, the synagogue he now attends dismisses women to separate areas while the men are praying in the sanctuary. This blatant unequal treatment of women does not faze him a bit. It is tradition, after all. Humph.]
Leaving Beth Chai must have been devastating for my mother, who was present at the Temple's ground breaking. She also built its library from nothing. I have specific memories of her at the typewriter, creating pockets for the donated books and a logging system so the Hebrew School kids could take out books.
Mom was President of the Sisterhood and organized all Hebrew school events and schedules. She was also a social butterfly. She would typically sit in the back row during Friday evening services and talk to her girl friends. Then they would prepare the Oneg (food and drink) for after the service.
I think that Mom used the temple as her outlet to perform voluntary work, to use her skills as an educator and as a social network. I never saw Mom devote herself to prayer or rigidly adhere to ritual. She was barely able to read Hebrew and only knew the most basic prayers.
Until I was 16, Mom would even take us kids to Burger King every Wednesday, without our father (was he working late??). He certainly wouldn't have approved, since we were supposed to be kosher both inside and outside of our home by this time (1986).
So, when I heard that my father walked out of a board meeting where they just voted on the new FEMALE Rabbi, I was happy that I no longer had to attend a temple (because the closest Orthodox shul was 5 miles away, and I was NOT walking there), but I knew that my mother would miss Temple Beth Chai.
Fast forward to this day in 2005: Exactly one day after my mother died, we were Sitting Shiva at my childhood home. Shiva is the Jewish grieving process by which seven days are devoted to remembering the family member that died; the process has countless ritualistic and symbolic strictures attached.
My father was engaged in conversation with a familiar face from the old temple, Beth Chai.
When I entered the room, they were in the middle of a discussion, so I wasn't privy to the beginning of the conversation, but my father was telling this person that my mother was, in fact, upset when they ultimately quit Beth Chai.
That piqued my interest because I thought it was a mutual decision, kind of.
I then asked my father: why couldn't they come to a compromise regarding their practice of Judaism? In other words, couldn't my father attend the Orthodox shul of his choice and my mother remain at the conservative temple which she helped build up from nothing?
Little did I know that my father's response to that would be revealing and prophetic.
He told me that my mother "understood the consequences and what it meant for their relationship if she would remain a part of Temple Beth Chai when that temple was becoming more egalitarian [giving women religious rights previously held only by men] and he [my father] was becoming more orthodox."
I questioned my father as to what precisely was meant by "My mother understanding the consequences." He bluntly stated that their relationship would not survive this impasse.
Wow! The audacity of that statement still stings. My mother must have felt extreme pressure from him. And to save her marriage and family she chose to give up the temple, her temple. She couldn't continue to witness the fruits of her labor and to be active in the community which she helped build. Of course, this meant that many of her friendships would suffer.
That was a really shitty thing to hear from my father ONE day after my mother had died.
But it is classic Marty. He has no relationship with his own brother or his sister and their families. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that they are not practicing Orthodox Judaism.
Now he is doing the same to me. He does not like my choices. I am an atheist and I divorced my children's father because he is an overall dick.
Oh well, Marty. These are MY choices.
Recently, I have told my father that I do not respect his religiosity, his authority figures, (Rabbis) nor his "it's my way or the highway" attitude.
So, yes, Marty, I understand the consequences of not sharing your beliefs or of not giving Orthodox Judaism the lip service which you think it is entitled to.
I understand what you choose to do when people in YOUR FAMILY choose a different path other than yours.
Your bigoted message is loud and clear.
You can't control me like you did my mother.
Just grow some balls and admit to me that you won't have anything to do with people who are NOT of your kind. And this includes your own daughter.
Stop being so passive/aggressive and confront the situation with me.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Intermarriage = Holocaust???
I continue to try communicate with Chabad my frustration regarding their pattern of bias moderation and censorship. As usual, with most of my complaints, I receive no response. These people, typical of most religious Jews, will just ignore people who oppose them.
Here is a copy of an email I sent the moderator of Chabad; I mentioned specific examples of blatant bias.
Nechama Posner,
In the recent past, one or two of my comments which I hoped to have posted on the Chabad website were rejected by the moderator.
I believe one of my "offensive" statements, according to you, was when I referred to the Torah as a "bunch of junk." I ultimately revised it to read that the Torah was "nothing spectacular" and my comment was eventually posted on the site.
During this exchange, I mentioned to you that another commenter called people Nazis if they choose to intermarry. Imagine -- Jews being compared to Nazis! I relayed to you that I didn't think censoring my comment was fair, considering what was previously allowed to pass through the comments section on the Chabad site.
You responded "If you read a comment from someone else that does not seem to meet the 'no-nastiness' rule, feel free to let us know. (I could not find the comment you mentioned. Can you tell me where it is?)"
Well, here it is:
Avi
Avi, with much love for you (for I love ALL Jews with a passion even I don't understand) there is nothing wrong with your girlfriend.
There is a major problem with you marrying her because by doing so you are helping the Third Reich complete its intention of eliminating every Jew on the earth.
Your girlfriend, not being Jewish, cannot bear Jewish children. So if she bore 3 children, those 3 would be lost from Judaism forever as would their generations after them. That is why your family is upset.
Any Jew who marries a non-Jew is killing Judaism as certainly as if he or she were at Auschwitz gassing those whose deaths we recall this week and all year long. ANY Jew who intermarries murders future Jews; it is as simple as that.
Search your heart, are you prepared to halt 4,000 years of your lineage? If she is willing to become a Jew, no problem. Try to explain to her that there is nothing wrong with her religion, but in order to have Jewish children, she has to convert or you can't marry.
Posted By Beverly Kurtin, Hurst, TX
I, (using my previous, unmarried name, Elisha G----) immediately responded to this repugnant comment and my comment was able to pass through the moderation process and posted on your site.
http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/39606/showfeedback/true/jewish/Why-Do-Jews-Exclude-Other-People.htm
I wrote:
Beverly,
You are a scary person indeed. You say: "Any Jew who marries a non-Jew is killing Judaism as certainly as if he or she were at Auschwitz gassing those. . . "
Certainly those of you who visit this site regularly cannot condone this belief. Sick.
Posted By Elisha in IL
Ms. Posner, as I mentioned in one of my previous communications with you, I do not wish to advocate censorship in any way. I am only pointing this contradiction out to you because I think that your moderation is biased.
This Beverly person has every right to state her racist, repugnant opinion, and I have every right to rebut the ridiculousness of it.
Plus, even if I were so thin-skinned as to be offended by the ignorant words of strangers, how can you possibly equate my insult of an inanimate object, an ancient text like the Torah, to an insult that compares people who intermarry to the Third Reich?
Furthermore, why does Chabad moderate PRIOR to posting? If the comment doesn't meet your arbitrary criteria for publication on your site, you can always, as editors of the site, delete the "offending" material AFTER you read it on the site.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As of yet, no response from Chabad. It's sad but all to common: people can live with their heads buried in the sand, as if there is no opposition to their silly belief system.
Here is a copy of an email I sent the moderator of Chabad; I mentioned specific examples of blatant bias.
Nechama Posner,
In the recent past, one or two of my comments which I hoped to have posted on the Chabad website were rejected by the moderator.
I believe one of my "offensive" statements, according to you, was when I referred to the Torah as a "bunch of junk." I ultimately revised it to read that the Torah was "nothing spectacular" and my comment was eventually posted on the site.
During this exchange, I mentioned to you that another commenter called people Nazis if they choose to intermarry. Imagine -- Jews being compared to Nazis! I relayed to you that I didn't think censoring my comment was fair, considering what was previously allowed to pass through the comments section on the Chabad site.
You responded "If you read a comment from someone else that does not seem to meet the 'no-nastiness' rule, feel free to let us know. (I could not find the comment you mentioned. Can you tell me where it is?)"
Well, here it is:
Avi
Avi, with much love for you (for I love ALL Jews with a passion even I don't understand) there is nothing wrong with your girlfriend.
There is a major problem with you marrying her because by doing so you are helping the Third Reich complete its intention of eliminating every Jew on the earth.
Your girlfriend, not being Jewish, cannot bear Jewish children. So if she bore 3 children, those 3 would be lost from Judaism forever as would their generations after them. That is why your family is upset.
Any Jew who marries a non-Jew is killing Judaism as certainly as if he or she were at Auschwitz gassing those whose deaths we recall this week and all year long. ANY Jew who intermarries murders future Jews; it is as simple as that.
Search your heart, are you prepared to halt 4,000 years of your lineage? If she is willing to become a Jew, no problem. Try to explain to her that there is nothing wrong with her religion, but in order to have Jewish children, she has to convert or you can't marry.
Posted By Beverly Kurtin, Hurst, TX
I, (using my previous, unmarried name, Elisha G----) immediately responded to this repugnant comment and my comment was able to pass through the moderation process and posted on your site.
http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/39606/showfeedback/true/jewish/Why-Do-Jews-Exclude-Other-People.htm
I wrote:
Beverly,
You are a scary person indeed. You say: "Any Jew who marries a non-Jew is killing Judaism as certainly as if he or she were at Auschwitz gassing those. . . "
Certainly those of you who visit this site regularly cannot condone this belief. Sick.
Posted By Elisha in IL
Ms. Posner, as I mentioned in one of my previous communications with you, I do not wish to advocate censorship in any way. I am only pointing this contradiction out to you because I think that your moderation is biased.
This Beverly person has every right to state her racist, repugnant opinion, and I have every right to rebut the ridiculousness of it.
Plus, even if I were so thin-skinned as to be offended by the ignorant words of strangers, how can you possibly equate my insult of an inanimate object, an ancient text like the Torah, to an insult that compares people who intermarry to the Third Reich?
Furthermore, why does Chabad moderate PRIOR to posting? If the comment doesn't meet your arbitrary criteria for publication on your site, you can always, as editors of the site, delete the "offending" material AFTER you read it on the site.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As of yet, no response from Chabad. It's sad but all to common: people can live with their heads buried in the sand, as if there is no opposition to their silly belief system.
Orthodoxy and censorship: no alien ideas allowed
Somebody like me -- a confirmed secularist/atheist is definitely not welcome at Chabad.org, a place for true believers only. Still, just to see how closed-minded they are, I decided to write to the moderators of Chabad.org about their blatant censoring of the free flow of discussion and information on their website. Of course, I will not get a response.
Here is a copy of my letter:
I wrote a previous comment which was intercepted by moderators. I have noticed that it is the religious websites which constantly impede freedom of speech and expression, i.e., any questioning or dissent. But I suppose that I should expect nothing less from a group who chooses to live in self- imposed ghettos and rear their children in Yeshivas.
This entire lifestyle is geared toward keeping outsiders out and protecting and preserving your version of "the truth."
Prohibiting intermarriage is just one of the number of ways which you exercise control over the information and opinions which are in direct opposition to your views.
This kind of Judaism does not want to promote freedom of expression. It is about reinforcing the same world-view, over and over.
Yet there are many good people who feel, quite deeply, and have strong, scientifically-based reasons to believe that nothing in the Torah actually happened. This is not arrogance, but a search for the truth.
So far, no reply.
Here is a copy of my letter:
I wrote a previous comment which was intercepted by moderators. I have noticed that it is the religious websites which constantly impede freedom of speech and expression, i.e., any questioning or dissent. But I suppose that I should expect nothing less from a group who chooses to live in self- imposed ghettos and rear their children in Yeshivas.
This entire lifestyle is geared toward keeping outsiders out and protecting and preserving your version of "the truth."
Prohibiting intermarriage is just one of the number of ways which you exercise control over the information and opinions which are in direct opposition to your views.
This kind of Judaism does not want to promote freedom of expression. It is about reinforcing the same world-view, over and over.
Yet there are many good people who feel, quite deeply, and have strong, scientifically-based reasons to believe that nothing in the Torah actually happened. This is not arrogance, but a search for the truth.
So far, no reply.
Chabad-niks defend tribalism
Occasionally, I enjoy a walk on the wild side -- I get involved in a dialog over at Chabad.org. These people are fundamentalist Orthodox Jews.
http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/39606/showfeedback/true/jewish/Why-Do-Jews-Exclude-Other-People.htm
In a current thread, Chabad and its followers are defending their racist practice of advocating marriage only within their tribe.
This was one of my comments in regard to Jewish exclusionism and tribalism (which never made it through their moderators):
Daniel asks the forum, "What is tribalism? Isn't that what the native Americans have? Are you saying the native Americans are wrong?"
Yes. Tribalism is wrong. That is the point.
Look at the definition: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/tribalism
1: tribal consciousness and loyalty; especially: exaltation of the tribe above other groups
2: strong in-group loyalty
Jews are by no means alone -- practically every ethnic group continues to hold onto this primitive belief of unquestioned loyalty to the in-group. You can't have loyalty of the in-group without the exclusion of others.
Most Jews are a self-admitted tribe, something that as an evolved human, I would NOT be proud of.
If ever there will be peace in the world, it will certainly NOT be when Judaism becomes the "light of the world," as many Orthodox and other Jews contend. This is the height of self-centered arrogance. We'll be a lot closer to peace when the cult(ure) of TRIBALISM is extinguished from society.
Beverly says, "I wonder if anyone here has bothered to find out what Judaism is. It's in the Torah."
Yes. And I reject it, this primitive compilation of myth, genealogy, and endless rules and regs. But to Beverly and others, it's inconceivable that there are people who have been raised Jewish, who have been taught precisely WHAT Judaism is -- yet they find it to be nothing worthy of praise. You need to grasp that.
If I told you, Beverly, that if you really bothered to find out all the beauty in the Koran, you would be a Muslim. And it is only because you haven't read the entire Koran and listened to all the Imams interpret it, that you are not a Muslim. Would that work for you, Beverly?
I look at Judaism and see probably the same thing that you see in Islam. I see a primitive, violent, conquering people egged on by their egotistical, genocidal, and petty god which they have created in their own image.
http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/39606/showfeedback/true/jewish/Why-Do-Jews-Exclude-Other-People.htm
In a current thread, Chabad and its followers are defending their racist practice of advocating marriage only within their tribe.
This was one of my comments in regard to Jewish exclusionism and tribalism (which never made it through their moderators):
Daniel asks the forum, "What is tribalism? Isn't that what the native Americans have? Are you saying the native Americans are wrong?"
Yes. Tribalism is wrong. That is the point.
Look at the definition: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/tribalism
1: tribal consciousness and loyalty; especially: exaltation of the tribe above other groups
2: strong in-group loyalty
Jews are by no means alone -- practically every ethnic group continues to hold onto this primitive belief of unquestioned loyalty to the in-group. You can't have loyalty of the in-group without the exclusion of others.
Most Jews are a self-admitted tribe, something that as an evolved human, I would NOT be proud of.
If ever there will be peace in the world, it will certainly NOT be when Judaism becomes the "light of the world," as many Orthodox and other Jews contend. This is the height of self-centered arrogance. We'll be a lot closer to peace when the cult(ure) of TRIBALISM is extinguished from society.
Beverly says, "I wonder if anyone here has bothered to find out what Judaism is. It's in the Torah."
Yes. And I reject it, this primitive compilation of myth, genealogy, and endless rules and regs. But to Beverly and others, it's inconceivable that there are people who have been raised Jewish, who have been taught precisely WHAT Judaism is -- yet they find it to be nothing worthy of praise. You need to grasp that.
If I told you, Beverly, that if you really bothered to find out all the beauty in the Koran, you would be a Muslim. And it is only because you haven't read the entire Koran and listened to all the Imams interpret it, that you are not a Muslim. Would that work for you, Beverly?
I look at Judaism and see probably the same thing that you see in Islam. I see a primitive, violent, conquering people egged on by their egotistical, genocidal, and petty god which they have created in their own image.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Respect is earned; Rabbis are not exempt
I have always been told that I have an authority problem. I tend to mentally (and actively) challenge many rules. There is such a thing as legitimate authority. But I firmly believe that if a rule or a law is implemented, there better be a good reason for it.
I also actively challenge the federal government's laws regarding intoxicating substances. Who are they to tell us that we can smoke cigs, drink liquor, and use only the drugs that the FDA approves? I feel that I should be able to have the freedom to decide which intoxicants I want to put in my body and I should be able to make these educated decisions myself without having the government threaten to fine me or put me in jail.
The government is only my authority if I choose to recognize it as such.
Religious Authority
Years ago, I stumbled upon my youngest sister's Yeshiva book in my childhood home. It was about the rules and regulations of keeping Kosher. It was written for a younger audience. I would surmise that E. would have been in 6th - 8th grade when she used this book in school.
I was hoping to see an explanation and purpose for keeping kosher; like an introduction. Instead, it was revealed that the Jews keep kosher because the Torah mentions separating certain foods and since the Torah was divinely inspired, keeping Kosher is divinely mandated by God.
I don't know how anybody accepts this line of reasoning. What tremendous leaps of logic and mental gymnastics we need to do in order to get there.
First of all, the Torah only mentions not boiling a kid in its mother's milk. Everything else, the Rabbis made up later.
I do not accept the premise that any god exists, that this god wrote or inspired the Torah, nor do I take seriously any advice or admonitions which are stated in the Torah.
Respecting Pious Liars
And I certainly do not listen to or respect any Rabbis who take these ancient myths and extrapolate nonsense from it in order to make the Torah relevant for modern society.
Why does everyone bend over backwards to respect these so-called pious liar Rabbis who spout off nothing but ancient superstition and try to tell you precisely how to live your life?
Fine. If you choose to live your life worshipping your Rabbis words, please don't expect nonbelievers, atheists or anyone NOT of your religion to respect your chosen authority; Rabbis.
Fatherly advice
Recently, I was spoken to very harshly from a member of my family about my criticism of Rabbi Avi Weiss. I was expected to have "respect" for this man and not publicize my opinion of him on the internet.
Rabbi Avi Weiss can use any media forum he wishes to promote his form of Open Orthodoxy. He can publicly induct a female Rabbi (while going to great pains to replace the word 'Rabbi' with 'MaHaRa”T' to avoid being ostracized from the rest of the orthodox community) He can create media attention by getting arrested for civil disobedience with my brother-in-law and a whole bunch of other NY and NJ Rabbis. He can write books and hold public ceremonies which create controversy and publicity for himself and his ideas about Zionism and Jewish protesting.
All of Rabbi Weiss' outlets and opinions are fine with my family member who chose to get angry with me because R. Weiss is spouting forth similar views which he and my family members all share.
Equal time
Freedom of speech is sacred to me, especially the freedom to oppose religion for the vile fraud that it is. Religion is in my face all the time. It's annoying! I do not respect Rabbis, or any clerics, and I will make my opinion known as loudly and as forcefully as the clerics on the opposing side do about their views.
Respect by proxy?
I will not respect someone just because a member of my family respects that person. Respect must be earned, and as far as I'm concerned Rabbis and other clerics are doing damage to humanity by spreading falsehoods and teaching lies to gullible people who are emotionally weak and needy.
If there is ever to be an end to religious nonsense (and I don't mean the apocalyptic kind, where they kill each other off), then we must understand WHY religion is given such a wide berth of acceptance today, why billions of potentially rational people, or presumably mature adults, dress up and play make-believe...and why the rest of us let them do it.
Governmental Authority
I resent our government's intrusion in our personal lives. For example, I don't need the government to threaten me with a fine in order to have me wear a seat belt when I'm in a car. This is unnecessary. Just educate us on the number of lives that are saved due to wearing a seat belt and let adults decide for themselves whether we want to wear them. Let them also take responsibility for whatever injuries occur, in the form of higher -- or even no -- insurance premiums, for example.
I actively challenged this law in NY for over 10 years because I NEVER wore a seat belt from 1989 - 2000. (I always buckled up my children, they were too young to make these decisions). I never got a ticket for it either. But that's not the point.I also actively challenge the federal government's laws regarding intoxicating substances. Who are they to tell us that we can smoke cigs, drink liquor, and use only the drugs that the FDA approves? I feel that I should be able to have the freedom to decide which intoxicants I want to put in my body and I should be able to make these educated decisions myself without having the government threaten to fine me or put me in jail.
The government is only my authority if I choose to recognize it as such.
Religious Authority
Years ago, I stumbled upon my youngest sister's Yeshiva book in my childhood home. It was about the rules and regulations of keeping Kosher. It was written for a younger audience. I would surmise that E. would have been in 6th - 8th grade when she used this book in school.
I was hoping to see an explanation and purpose for keeping kosher; like an introduction. Instead, it was revealed that the Jews keep kosher because the Torah mentions separating certain foods and since the Torah was divinely inspired, keeping Kosher is divinely mandated by God.
I don't know how anybody accepts this line of reasoning. What tremendous leaps of logic and mental gymnastics we need to do in order to get there.
First of all, the Torah only mentions not boiling a kid in its mother's milk. Everything else, the Rabbis made up later.
I do not accept the premise that any god exists, that this god wrote or inspired the Torah, nor do I take seriously any advice or admonitions which are stated in the Torah.
Respecting Pious Liars
And I certainly do not listen to or respect any Rabbis who take these ancient myths and extrapolate nonsense from it in order to make the Torah relevant for modern society.
Why does everyone bend over backwards to respect these so-called pious liar Rabbis who spout off nothing but ancient superstition and try to tell you precisely how to live your life?
Fine. If you choose to live your life worshipping your Rabbis words, please don't expect nonbelievers, atheists or anyone NOT of your religion to respect your chosen authority; Rabbis.
Fatherly advice
Recently, I was spoken to very harshly from a member of my family about my criticism of Rabbi Avi Weiss. I was expected to have "respect" for this man and not publicize my opinion of him on the internet.
Rabbi Avi Weiss can use any media forum he wishes to promote his form of Open Orthodoxy. He can publicly induct a female Rabbi (while going to great pains to replace the word 'Rabbi' with 'MaHaRa”T' to avoid being ostracized from the rest of the orthodox community) He can create media attention by getting arrested for civil disobedience with my brother-in-law and a whole bunch of other NY and NJ Rabbis. He can write books and hold public ceremonies which create controversy and publicity for himself and his ideas about Zionism and Jewish protesting.
All of Rabbi Weiss' outlets and opinions are fine with my family member who chose to get angry with me because R. Weiss is spouting forth similar views which he and my family members all share.
Equal time
Freedom of speech is sacred to me, especially the freedom to oppose religion for the vile fraud that it is. Religion is in my face all the time. It's annoying! I do not respect Rabbis, or any clerics, and I will make my opinion known as loudly and as forcefully as the clerics on the opposing side do about their views.
Respect by proxy?
I will not respect someone just because a member of my family respects that person. Respect must be earned, and as far as I'm concerned Rabbis and other clerics are doing damage to humanity by spreading falsehoods and teaching lies to gullible people who are emotionally weak and needy.
If there is ever to be an end to religious nonsense (and I don't mean the apocalyptic kind, where they kill each other off), then we must understand WHY religion is given such a wide berth of acceptance today, why billions of potentially rational people, or presumably mature adults, dress up and play make-believe...and why the rest of us let them do it.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Rabbi Avi Weiss; pseudo-psychology
A few years ago, right after my mother died (within 9 months, actually), my father decided that he was going to get remarried and move to Israel with his future wife. For my sisters and me this was devastating. We were always within a reasonable proximity of our parents. We have been accustomed to having immediate personal access to them.
To have my father move across the world so he can fulfill his religious wet dream so soon after my mother died added salt to my wounds of grief. I felt as if I had lost both my parents that year.
One of my sisters had a brilliant idea that we should go to counseling to talk this out. I schlepped into Riverdale, NY, thinking that we were going to see a trained psychologist. Instead we walked into Rabbi Avi Weiss' office.
Not again!
Jesus Fucking Christ. This was the same man who intruded upon my mother's death-bed, tangled himself up in our personal family affairs and interjected with diarrhea of the mouth every chance he got about the subjective laws of halacha and how they pertain to my mother's death.
I was floored.
Two of my sister's, B. and J. were there. Elana decided to not come. I suppose the Modern (Open) Orthodox variety of Judaism, which Avi Weiss subscribes to conflicted with her chosen version of Sephardi Judaism.
While B. and J. cried their eyes out to this Rabbi, I was stoic. I didn't appreciate the bait and switch tactic which was used by my sisters to get me to attend this session. I suppose I should have expected this, but being away from orthodoxy for so many years, I forgot that everything revolves around their Judaism.
Of course, one cannot go to a non-religious counselor because that person may give advice which conflicts with the dogma that your rabbi is already brainwashing you with.
Words of wisdom
After listening to many tears and regret from my sisters; including J.'s narcissistic rant about her guilt over introducing my father to his upcoming new wife who already lives in Israel, Rabbi Avi Weiss spouted off his words of wisdom.
He advised us to pretend that my father was a child and he was making an aliyah for one year to Israel. This is a modern custom where young adults are given the opportunity to go to Israel for a year, maybe join the Israeli army, live on a Kibbutz (communal living) and completely immerse themselves in Israeli life, before entering the work-force.
There are scores of organizations that offer services to assist families with financial aid, referrals and information regarding living in Israel. Since the Jews put so much stock into this concept of aliyah, I was concerned that my sisters would be swayed by this tactic of delusion.
In simpler terms, Rabbi Weiss told us that moving to Israel fulfills the mitzvah (commandment) of aliyah and my father should be given his chance to do this without his children's admonishments which may ultimately interfere with his decision to move to Israel.
Rabbis must always think of the 'whole' of Judaism; keeping the mitzvahs flowing and promoting what is ultimately the main goal; preservation of the Jews and Israel.
We were advised to delude ourselves into thinking that our father would only be in Israel for a period of time, knowing full well that this was false. Apparently the logic is that eventually, after this chosen time period, we will become accustomed to having him live there and we would be capable, at that point, of accepting his permanent move.
In addition, we were told by Rabbi Weiss that fulfilling aliyah is something to be encouraged and commended. Guilt, guilt and more guilt, he spouted. I suppose if you subscribe to such concepts as divine real estate, chosen people, and the Law of Return which promotes the immigration of Jews to the State of Israel, then maybe guilt would work.
Mind games
I was appalled. This was just another example of Rabbis lying for their cause by playing psychological mind games upon emotionally grieving people.
I suppose it is easier for religious people to convince themselves of falsehoods in order to feel better, in spite of the obvious evidence around them. This is what they do to accept the tenets of Judaism or any other religion.
Another interesting topic which came up in the "counseling session" (and I use that word loosly)was the number of changes that my father was undertaking in a relatively short period of time. He watched my mother suffer from breast cancer the year prior to her death and now he was planning to remarry less than a year after my mother passed away. He was retiring and also selling the family home to move to Israel. We felt that he was going through too many changes and needed to slow down to process everything.
Rabbi Weiss' response to our concern that our father was taking on too much, too soon, was met with an interesting but irrelevant interpretation of Halacha. According to R. Weiss, men who are widowed are allowed to remarry after only one month of the wife's death. Women, on the other hand, are required to wait a year or 11 months, I forgot which one.
Besides the obvious inconsistency with men and women and their perspective roles in the Jewish grieving process, he failed to address our HUMAN concerns that my father may be taking on too much in a short period of time.
I suppose when you worship and cling to an enormous body of rules and regulations, hearing that your father's actions fall in line with the required ethic may be consoling for some.
Meaningless and sexist
But what about those who find halacha meaningless and sexist?
Walking back with me to her apartment, B. asked me what I thought about the session and I told her that I thought that Rabbi Weiss spouted off a bunch of horseshit in order to make it easier for us to live with our father's decision to move to Israel.
B. actually agreed with me. She was very angry (as I was) and expressed sorrow that we had wasted our time.
In retrospect, I get it. It is of prime importance that the prospering of the Jewish People as a group be preserved, as is emphasized in their dogma.
Religious people are like a bunch of chimps, forever squabbling about who's in, who's out, who's up, who's down. Can't we do better?
To have my father move across the world so he can fulfill his religious wet dream so soon after my mother died added salt to my wounds of grief. I felt as if I had lost both my parents that year.
One of my sisters had a brilliant idea that we should go to counseling to talk this out. I schlepped into Riverdale, NY, thinking that we were going to see a trained psychologist. Instead we walked into Rabbi Avi Weiss' office.
Not again!
Jesus Fucking Christ. This was the same man who intruded upon my mother's death-bed, tangled himself up in our personal family affairs and interjected with diarrhea of the mouth every chance he got about the subjective laws of halacha and how they pertain to my mother's death.
I was floored.
Two of my sister's, B. and J. were there. Elana decided to not come. I suppose the Modern (Open) Orthodox variety of Judaism, which Avi Weiss subscribes to conflicted with her chosen version of Sephardi Judaism.
While B. and J. cried their eyes out to this Rabbi, I was stoic. I didn't appreciate the bait and switch tactic which was used by my sisters to get me to attend this session. I suppose I should have expected this, but being away from orthodoxy for so many years, I forgot that everything revolves around their Judaism.
Of course, one cannot go to a non-religious counselor because that person may give advice which conflicts with the dogma that your rabbi is already brainwashing you with.
Words of wisdom
After listening to many tears and regret from my sisters; including J.'s narcissistic rant about her guilt over introducing my father to his upcoming new wife who already lives in Israel, Rabbi Avi Weiss spouted off his words of wisdom.
He advised us to pretend that my father was a child and he was making an aliyah for one year to Israel. This is a modern custom where young adults are given the opportunity to go to Israel for a year, maybe join the Israeli army, live on a Kibbutz (communal living) and completely immerse themselves in Israeli life, before entering the work-force.
There are scores of organizations that offer services to assist families with financial aid, referrals and information regarding living in Israel. Since the Jews put so much stock into this concept of aliyah, I was concerned that my sisters would be swayed by this tactic of delusion.
In simpler terms, Rabbi Weiss told us that moving to Israel fulfills the mitzvah (commandment) of aliyah and my father should be given his chance to do this without his children's admonishments which may ultimately interfere with his decision to move to Israel.
Rabbis must always think of the 'whole' of Judaism; keeping the mitzvahs flowing and promoting what is ultimately the main goal; preservation of the Jews and Israel.
We were advised to delude ourselves into thinking that our father would only be in Israel for a period of time, knowing full well that this was false. Apparently the logic is that eventually, after this chosen time period, we will become accustomed to having him live there and we would be capable, at that point, of accepting his permanent move.
In addition, we were told by Rabbi Weiss that fulfilling aliyah is something to be encouraged and commended. Guilt, guilt and more guilt, he spouted. I suppose if you subscribe to such concepts as divine real estate, chosen people, and the Law of Return which promotes the immigration of Jews to the State of Israel, then maybe guilt would work.
Mind games
I was appalled. This was just another example of Rabbis lying for their cause by playing psychological mind games upon emotionally grieving people.
I suppose it is easier for religious people to convince themselves of falsehoods in order to feel better, in spite of the obvious evidence around them. This is what they do to accept the tenets of Judaism or any other religion.
Another interesting topic which came up in the "counseling session" (and I use that word loosly)was the number of changes that my father was undertaking in a relatively short period of time. He watched my mother suffer from breast cancer the year prior to her death and now he was planning to remarry less than a year after my mother passed away. He was retiring and also selling the family home to move to Israel. We felt that he was going through too many changes and needed to slow down to process everything.
Rabbi Weiss' response to our concern that our father was taking on too much, too soon, was met with an interesting but irrelevant interpretation of Halacha. According to R. Weiss, men who are widowed are allowed to remarry after only one month of the wife's death. Women, on the other hand, are required to wait a year or 11 months, I forgot which one.
Besides the obvious inconsistency with men and women and their perspective roles in the Jewish grieving process, he failed to address our HUMAN concerns that my father may be taking on too much in a short period of time.
I suppose when you worship and cling to an enormous body of rules and regulations, hearing that your father's actions fall in line with the required ethic may be consoling for some.
Meaningless and sexist
But what about those who find halacha meaningless and sexist?
Walking back with me to her apartment, B. asked me what I thought about the session and I told her that I thought that Rabbi Weiss spouted off a bunch of horseshit in order to make it easier for us to live with our father's decision to move to Israel.
B. actually agreed with me. She was very angry (as I was) and expressed sorrow that we had wasted our time.
In retrospect, I get it. It is of prime importance that the prospering of the Jewish People as a group be preserved, as is emphasized in their dogma.
Religious people are like a bunch of chimps, forever squabbling about who's in, who's out, who's up, who's down. Can't we do better?
Saturday, July 25, 2009
To My Sister, Elana - Our Conversation
This is a series of E-mails which I exchanged with one of my sisters, Elana. She is married to Rabbi Joshua Maroof. This exchange shows the deterioration of a casual, sisterly relationship into complete ostracism.
She apparently is unable to accept the fact that I have made a personal change in my life and divorced the father of my children because he was abusive and I had found someone who I would rather be with; someone who cares about me and doesn't abuse me with his words or deeds.
I understand that Elana cannot fathom divorcing her husband, since she relies on him financilly and has 4 kids with him. But is it necessary that my sister completely agree with my decisions in MY life in order to have a relationship with me?
I guess so.
It is my opinion that people who hold fundamental religious views are judgemental and forceful when espousing what they think YOU should do with YOUR life. And they have nothing of substance to back up their assertions.
I have attempted to communicate with my sister numerous times since this exchange -- to no avail.
Elana needs to know that I am, in fact, married to my ideal man (Alan) and her naked accusations about my husband's intentions to marry me were premature and incorrect- not to mention judgemental.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here it is:
(From Elisha)
Elana,
I've been meaning to call you because so much stuff has been happening. I suppose I'll write instead. I am scheduling a visit to NY for April 25-26. I wanted to go earlier but Lou has plans and since I must rely on him for transportation, I must be accommodating. M, Z. and I will stay at the Long Island Marriott, where we stayed before. We were in a suite. (The kids had separate rooms) The hotel has an indoor pool and jacuzzi and the mall is a $5 cab ride away.
I asked Marty [our father] several times if we could use his Riverdale Apartment, which is vacant since he lives in Israel. It would help save $200 for lodging and after asking THREE times (via email) he responded that he tries to rent it out when he's not there. Ok. Fine. I will ask him again for this visit and every visit thereafter because I don't think that he WANTS me to stay there overnight. NICE fucking father.
Marty comes to the USA and doesn't call me. I haven't seen him in almost a year.
Alan [my husband] is divorced as of this week. He just gained sole possession of the house after paying Judith her share. (He said that this is the largest check that he has ever written to anyone.) Judith [his ex] remains a tenant until the end of April. We will be moving in there April 28 - 30. Our current lease here is up at the end of April, and Judith has to move out on the 28th.
Things are still bogged down in NY court. I don't know what the heck the problem is. We had a signed agreement back in October. I can't believe that Alan's divorce is over before mine.
I have much more to tell you like my depression and stuff but I have to go out.
Basically, a couple of months ago Alan said that he wasn't sure that he was going to marry me and I absolutely flipped out emotionally. He is in therapy and I have given him an ultimatum (which I can't stand to do). I told him that I did not leave my family to be shacked up and if he doesn't marry me, I'll go back to NY and go on welfare because at least then I will be near the kids. I can't break out of this depression. I will call or finish up later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elisha)
(From Elana)
hey - sounds like you have quite a bit going onfirst of all, no matter how you feel, out of respect to me, please call Dad "Dad" when writing to me - no matter what things he does that annoy me - I call him Dad - so for my sake - do that when writing me. I understand you have your own feelings and I don't mean to take away from them.
so, why did Alan say he would not marry you? If I were you, I would get out now. But hey, that's just my opinion. What is new with the kids?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elana,
I will respect you and refer to our father as Dad or the like. I didn't mean to offend you. I am trying to distance myself emotionally to him. That's all. Sorry.
Real brief: As of now, we seemed to have worked out the marriage issue. (We will be getting married.) Here is/was the issue in a nutshell: I obviously assumed that marriage was going to be the culmination of our relationship. We did mention it, in the past, many times, in previous conversations but never definitively.
A couple of months ago, when we were at a divorce meeting with his lawyer in the courthouse cafe, I said that this is the courthouse where you get the marriage licenses and that's when he dropped this bombshell on me.
He assured me that he was not opposed to marrying me. He just has so much on his plate right now that just thinking about it will just add to the stress.
I was devastated and I just couldn't believe that this was happening. I basically cried for days and he relented and agreed to get married. Neither one of us was even divorced yet so I knew that it would be some time.
I dropped the subject and everything went back to blissful normal. Six weeks ago, I mentioned something casually to him about if I should change my NY drivers license to Illinois or should I wait until we're married and I have my name changed also, when we're married. And that's when he tells me that he is still having problems with the idea of us getting married.
We agreed that therapy was warranted. [. . . personal therapy stuff]
After a month or so, I fell apart and told him that I don't want to give him an ultimatum but I have to. June 1st. That satisfaction of an ultimatum lasted only a week and I fell apart again with fear and anxiety.
He has now agreed to marry me but I am not fooling myself. I'm still sad and trying to make mental preparations. There is so much more to this involving our father and his advice. He actually gave fantastic advice and shocked the shit out of me.
He told me NOT to give Alan an ultimatum. (this conversation with Dad took place prior to the ultimatum) He said that I had made drastic decisions recently and I need to calm down and don't pressure Alan.
I agreed intellectually and really was good (emotionally) for a week but then the emotions and anxiety set in and I pressured Alan. So, this is where we are, a delicate balance.
What I can't make clear in mere words, however, is how much I KNOW he loves me. I know he is scared because he failed twice in marriage and he has some problems with our age difference. I need to stop here because I must move on from this.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elisha)
(From Elana.)
I need to be blunt - sorry - there is no other way - Alan has problems - that's why he needs therapy - that's why he takes pot to calm his anxiety. You are smart Elisha - you know that this could end in disaster. Look, you have problems too. You know that. Your problem is not one of commitment , you have other issues that you are aware of. I am sure you would marry him and have no problem with it. But, I am honestly not sure you should trust him. And therapy - yeah - therapy for issues can take forever. Truthfully, I feel like even if he agrees to marry you, you are going to have issues with him in the future. Anyway, let me know what happens. And yeah, an ultimatum for someone who does not want to do something can ultimately backfire. Good luck. I wish I could see you become a completely independent person, someone with the ability to support themselves and not rely on a man. You are certainly smart enough.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elana,
Yes, Alan has problems. And this is why we both smoke pot (to calm anxiety). Smoking pot is not an issue. If the mental health system worked optimally, there would be legally prescribed drugs which could reduce anxiety and depression without huge side effects and risks to your body. (I have tried a good number of them)
Pot has none of these things and most of the benefits that the legal drug companies claim. If you ever want to get into a discussion about the benefits of marijuana and our government's failed drug war, let me know.
See Elana, I do not think that psychiatry, as practiced today, is a benefit to anyone. The "medications" are a disaster and this whole talking therapy could be helpful if and only if you hooked up with a really smart, intuitive, communicative person who actually cares enough to try and help.
And THE most important element in my opinion, would be having the therapy be goal orientated. Without that, a person would be hopelessly attending talking therapy sessions without an end in sight. We can always find something to bitch and complain about and attribute blame.
This is why when Alan suggested therapy, I was not hopeful. I see it as you do, that this will take forever. I don't have time for him to go through an entire mental process. I told him that the therapy had to be goal orientated and this goal being that we will be married. - I will not accept this relationship on any other terms. He agreed.
When you said that you are not sure that I should trust him, what do you mean?
When you said that I should get out now, where should I go?
See, that question brings me to a state of anxiety to where there is no drug (legal or illegal) that can make me forget - that I am one step from homelessness.
Regarding my independence: It is not possible. I have way more issues than anyone ever imagined. Jeez, I gave you the statistics. (didn't I?) It's either living with a husband or whatever for me, Elana. But I'm happy to hear other suggestions, if you have them.
I have learned that stability and safety are prime issues for people like me. From childhood on, if the person doesn't feel safe and secure, there is less chance of success of independence. I never felt that as a child. I was always bullied in school and had Tourette, OCD and ADHD, a lot of anger because no medications ever worked to control my symptoms.
I was physically punished by our parents on many occasions and not your ordinary swat on the behind. Dad used the back of Pi's (Do you remember our dog?) brush to hit me and he'd drag me down the stairs by my hair. I never felt safe. I never felt secure in our parents love or devotion for me - Now or from childhood.
Our parents never told me I had all these problems although they definitely knew. I went through my medical records with Dr. Bruun. She was shocked to hear that I spent my entire childhood and early adulthood not knowing that I had ADHD, slight OCD and a mood disorder. I guess they couldn't keep the Tourette Syndrome a secret since I barked like a dog.
And then there was the compulsory religion which came at me in the form of further restrictions.
My point is not to dwell on what may be considered abuse nowadays, but to tell you that I didn't have a chance of adult independence - never did.
That mental institution stint right around the time I was supposed to be taking the SAT's and the NY Regents didn't do anything for my educational skills either.
Then I married into an abusive situation to get away from an abusive situation. Whereas, I was no angel in my marriage to Lou, I could be very verbally thrashing but Lou always took it to the next level with violence. This didn't happen often, as I said - approximately 8 times during the course of our relationship, 3 being prior to getting married and 2 incidents happening in front of Marc.
Marc watched Lou try to strangle me.
But I was never scared of Lou. That's my own pathology, I suppose. I was never afraid of our father either. This is what I told myself to convince myself that I was not abused. I was not scared. What can I say?
I always told myself that if it got to the point where I needed to, I'd defend myself, in any way possible. At least right now, I KNOW that I am safe.
I do not yet feel secure but we are working on that. I can wish and pray all I want to become independent but I won't delude myself.
Elisha
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(From Elana)
(To Elisha)
I can only write a short note this time - but i will say this quickly. I think you use your labels - the labels that "define" your problems to define yourself. You use them as a crutch. You can argue with this as much as you want, but the truth is that recognizing thing s that hold you back, is half the work of overcoming them.
I love you, you are my sister, but I must be honest. I think you are intelligent, but I also think you are a bit lazy. You use your medical terms to excuse yourself from responsibilty. I have known you, I have watched you, my life was altered by you growing up. I have seen you go through different stages.
You may know yourself better than anyone, but I also think you delude yourself. You are capable of more than you let on - and plenty of people who didn't feel "safe" or "loved" move on - and you have the resources mentally to do so.
Frankly I could care less what the statistics say - if you could get off your butt and leave your family - than you could get off your butt and do something to improve yourself by yourself. You are not a helpless baby who needs a man. You are an adult who can make decisions to become a stronger better person.
Do I think you will listen to this? No. So why do I bother? I guess b/c when you care about someone you try as many times as you can. I know I have said this to you in the past. I will always be honest with you.
Psychology was something that always interested me. Yes, I think that there need to be more competent therapists. Yes, I think that not all drugs are made equal. Do I think that pot is the answer to your anxiety? no. Do I think that is a really good excuse? Sure.
I am an anxious person by nature. I don't take pot. I don't take any drug.
Anyway, you need to stop looking back - and look forward - by that I don't mean about your marriage - I mean about yourself - stop blaming who you are today on everything from the past - on everybody else - take a good look at yourself. This is all you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elana,
I'm sorry. I made a mistake which I tend to repeat over and over. I attempted to convey my fears and anxiety to one of my sisters and received an insulting, judgmental response based on incomplete biased knowledge.
Last year, I was insulted and berated by Jennifer [our sister] for being overweight and smoking cigarettes and she chose to do this during one of the worst days of my life. There was no provocation by me at all. Sheer maliciousness, on her part.
Then Beth. told me that she basically agreed with Jen. You smartly stayed out of it - Although you did tell me some things which I didn't like to hear but I respected you because sometimes the truth is painful and sometimes others have a different perspective on things.
I asked for your opinion then and you gave it to me. There are two issues here, as far as I see it.
Your opinion of me, my disorders, lack of independence and such and my leaving my family to start a new relationship.
I asked you two questions in my previous email
1) When you said that you are not sure that I should trust him, (Alan) what do you mean?
2) And when you said that I should get out now, where should I go?
You didn't answer these questions. You really do not know much about our relationship so why would you say that I shouldn't trust him?
I also need to make this short. You made hurtful accusations about me leaving my family. I would like to hear your solution to an abusive marriage.
Are you advocating staying in an abusive marriage for the sake of the children?
Marc saw it. He heard everything.
At what point does an abusive marriage become detrimental to the kids?
I'm just sick and tired of people making judgments about me under the guise of loving me.
Loving a person means trying to ease their pain, not adding salt to their wounds.
Elisha
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(From Elana.)
(To Elisha)
Listen, you can be mature and not accuse everyone of insulting and berating you - you are my sister - and I am honest b/c of that - if you don't want honesty - then you don't need to write me. I try not to pass judgement on you despite the fact that I obviously disagree with your choices.
IF you want someone to just be a yes man and say whatever makes you feel good - find someone else.
I am not my sisters - I am nobody but myself. Deal with it or find a friend. I don't engage in this type of thing. You can respond or not.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elana.)
(From Elisha)
Why don't you call me? 847-
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(To Elisha)
(From Elana.)
I have three kids I am taking care of right now. I don't have the time for a long conversation. Look at all our old e-mails. They are about you. That is fine. You need to talk. I don't. But if you want to talk to me, then you will have to deal with my honesty, otherwise, I'm sorry, that's all I can offer you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elana)
(From Elisha)
Whatever Elana. I get it. I was giving you an update on the situation here and you responded with insulting opinions.
Calling you on your disrespect and rudeness does not make me immature.
It's really convenient that you would say all these hurtful things and then try to stand on some pedestal and say that you don't engage in this type of thing.
Your right, Elana. You don't engage in "this type of thing."
You prefer to end it right after you say your piece - kind of like a last word thing, huh?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(From Elana.)
(To Elisha)
No Elisha, this thing means I don't engage in a relationship of pretending. I am sorry if I came across as rude , that was not my intention. As I said if this is not the type of relationship you are interesed in, I am sorry. Good luck, I really wish you well.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elana.)
(From Elisha)
I don't engage in relationships where I have to pretend either. I don't think that you have enough information to make the judgments that you did. Maybe you know enough about me and my disorders to comment on that but certainly you don't understand the problems in my marriage with Lou nor do you completely understand my relationship with Alan.
So, when you told me that I should get out of this relationship now and that I shouldn't trust Alan, I wanted to know why you felt that way. I respected your opinion.
I never did hear why.
I am not offended by your assessment of me and my "issues." I'm happy to discuss this at any time. I'm all about the truth, Elana. If you have it or can show it to me, I'm all ears.
I was, however, offended by your accusation that I abandoned my family. Half the country comes from divorced families. I abandoned my marriage. There is a huge difference.
Things take time and divorces don't occur overnight. This is a difficult adjustment period. I'm allowed to be upset and depressed over this.
You don't have to agree with my decisions to be my friend.
I know that you would never do some of the things that I did. But so what? You do some things that I consider silly and a waste of time, but I would never think of hurting you by telling you my opinion of your choices.
Must there be brutal honesty? Can't we respect our differences while still caring about each other?
Isn't it enough for you to understand that I was unhappy and unhealthy in my marriage.
Who are we to judge what goes on in other people's homes behind closed doors?
I asked you what you would have done in my situation? I cared about your opinion. I didn't hear an answer.
I don't want to let this relationship die.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elisha)
(From Elana)
Look Elisha, our relationship is one sided. It is all about you. Like i said, you need to talk, I don't. I have a healthy family life and a strong social network. I think it may be better for you to speak with a counselor or maybe join some groups so you have a stronger network as well. I think it would be better if you had more people to talk to.
I am happy to hear updates on your life. Really, I do want to know what is going on in your life. But I just can't be the person - one of the only ones - as you said you are alone - to hear all your problems and complaints.
I have very strong feelings about your choices in life and after a while I suppose I can't hold back anymore. I f you would still like to write me and tell me about things that are going on,I would like that.
Love,
Elana
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elana)
(From Elisha)
This relationship was one-sided because that was what you chose. You never called me or wrote to me without my prompting and you never spoke to me about yourself. Of course, it was one-sided. It was all my effort.
I still don't understand what about my decision to leave my marriage you don't agree with. And I've asked you to elaborate and you can't/won't.
Shall I live my entire life with potential violence? From Marty to Lou to the grave.
Grow up, E. Things aren't as black and white in the real world.
Anyway, a sisterhood or friendship is based on acceptance without judgments and you and my sisters are not capable of that. (due to your fundamentalist ideology, which I know that you will never recognize either)
Go bury your head in the sand now because I tried to engage you and asked you to back up your accusations that Alan is untrustworthy.
Like your Hit and Run comments. I'm not your child and I do respond to being attacked.
You are similar to our sisters where you think that you can say anything that you want to me without repercussions.
Actually it's worse than that because you think that I should respect what you say too. Lol
Elisha
She apparently is unable to accept the fact that I have made a personal change in my life and divorced the father of my children because he was abusive and I had found someone who I would rather be with; someone who cares about me and doesn't abuse me with his words or deeds.
I understand that Elana cannot fathom divorcing her husband, since she relies on him financilly and has 4 kids with him. But is it necessary that my sister completely agree with my decisions in MY life in order to have a relationship with me?
I guess so.
It is my opinion that people who hold fundamental religious views are judgemental and forceful when espousing what they think YOU should do with YOUR life. And they have nothing of substance to back up their assertions.
I have attempted to communicate with my sister numerous times since this exchange -- to no avail.
Elana needs to know that I am, in fact, married to my ideal man (Alan) and her naked accusations about my husband's intentions to marry me were premature and incorrect- not to mention judgemental.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here it is:
(From Elisha)
Elana,
I've been meaning to call you because so much stuff has been happening. I suppose I'll write instead. I am scheduling a visit to NY for April 25-26. I wanted to go earlier but Lou has plans and since I must rely on him for transportation, I must be accommodating. M, Z. and I will stay at the Long Island Marriott, where we stayed before. We were in a suite. (The kids had separate rooms) The hotel has an indoor pool and jacuzzi and the mall is a $5 cab ride away.
I asked Marty [our father] several times if we could use his Riverdale Apartment, which is vacant since he lives in Israel. It would help save $200 for lodging and after asking THREE times (via email) he responded that he tries to rent it out when he's not there. Ok. Fine. I will ask him again for this visit and every visit thereafter because I don't think that he WANTS me to stay there overnight. NICE fucking father.
Marty comes to the USA and doesn't call me. I haven't seen him in almost a year.
Alan [my husband] is divorced as of this week. He just gained sole possession of the house after paying Judith her share. (He said that this is the largest check that he has ever written to anyone.) Judith [his ex] remains a tenant until the end of April. We will be moving in there April 28 - 30. Our current lease here is up at the end of April, and Judith has to move out on the 28th.
Things are still bogged down in NY court. I don't know what the heck the problem is. We had a signed agreement back in October. I can't believe that Alan's divorce is over before mine.
I have much more to tell you like my depression and stuff but I have to go out.
Basically, a couple of months ago Alan said that he wasn't sure that he was going to marry me and I absolutely flipped out emotionally. He is in therapy and I have given him an ultimatum (which I can't stand to do). I told him that I did not leave my family to be shacked up and if he doesn't marry me, I'll go back to NY and go on welfare because at least then I will be near the kids. I can't break out of this depression. I will call or finish up later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elisha)
(From Elana)
hey - sounds like you have quite a bit going onfirst of all, no matter how you feel, out of respect to me, please call Dad "Dad" when writing to me - no matter what things he does that annoy me - I call him Dad - so for my sake - do that when writing me. I understand you have your own feelings and I don't mean to take away from them.
so, why did Alan say he would not marry you? If I were you, I would get out now. But hey, that's just my opinion. What is new with the kids?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elana,
I will respect you and refer to our father as Dad or the like. I didn't mean to offend you. I am trying to distance myself emotionally to him. That's all. Sorry.
Real brief: As of now, we seemed to have worked out the marriage issue. (We will be getting married.) Here is/was the issue in a nutshell: I obviously assumed that marriage was going to be the culmination of our relationship. We did mention it, in the past, many times, in previous conversations but never definitively.
A couple of months ago, when we were at a divorce meeting with his lawyer in the courthouse cafe, I said that this is the courthouse where you get the marriage licenses and that's when he dropped this bombshell on me.
He assured me that he was not opposed to marrying me. He just has so much on his plate right now that just thinking about it will just add to the stress.
I was devastated and I just couldn't believe that this was happening. I basically cried for days and he relented and agreed to get married. Neither one of us was even divorced yet so I knew that it would be some time.
I dropped the subject and everything went back to blissful normal. Six weeks ago, I mentioned something casually to him about if I should change my NY drivers license to Illinois or should I wait until we're married and I have my name changed also, when we're married. And that's when he tells me that he is still having problems with the idea of us getting married.
We agreed that therapy was warranted. [. . . personal therapy stuff]
After a month or so, I fell apart and told him that I don't want to give him an ultimatum but I have to. June 1st. That satisfaction of an ultimatum lasted only a week and I fell apart again with fear and anxiety.
He has now agreed to marry me but I am not fooling myself. I'm still sad and trying to make mental preparations. There is so much more to this involving our father and his advice. He actually gave fantastic advice and shocked the shit out of me.
He told me NOT to give Alan an ultimatum. (this conversation with Dad took place prior to the ultimatum) He said that I had made drastic decisions recently and I need to calm down and don't pressure Alan.
I agreed intellectually and really was good (emotionally) for a week but then the emotions and anxiety set in and I pressured Alan. So, this is where we are, a delicate balance.
What I can't make clear in mere words, however, is how much I KNOW he loves me. I know he is scared because he failed twice in marriage and he has some problems with our age difference. I need to stop here because I must move on from this.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elisha)
(From Elana.)
I need to be blunt - sorry - there is no other way - Alan has problems - that's why he needs therapy - that's why he takes pot to calm his anxiety. You are smart Elisha - you know that this could end in disaster. Look, you have problems too. You know that. Your problem is not one of commitment , you have other issues that you are aware of. I am sure you would marry him and have no problem with it. But, I am honestly not sure you should trust him. And therapy - yeah - therapy for issues can take forever. Truthfully, I feel like even if he agrees to marry you, you are going to have issues with him in the future. Anyway, let me know what happens. And yeah, an ultimatum for someone who does not want to do something can ultimately backfire. Good luck. I wish I could see you become a completely independent person, someone with the ability to support themselves and not rely on a man. You are certainly smart enough.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elana,
Yes, Alan has problems. And this is why we both smoke pot (to calm anxiety). Smoking pot is not an issue. If the mental health system worked optimally, there would be legally prescribed drugs which could reduce anxiety and depression without huge side effects and risks to your body. (I have tried a good number of them)
Pot has none of these things and most of the benefits that the legal drug companies claim. If you ever want to get into a discussion about the benefits of marijuana and our government's failed drug war, let me know.
See Elana, I do not think that psychiatry, as practiced today, is a benefit to anyone. The "medications" are a disaster and this whole talking therapy could be helpful if and only if you hooked up with a really smart, intuitive, communicative person who actually cares enough to try and help.
And THE most important element in my opinion, would be having the therapy be goal orientated. Without that, a person would be hopelessly attending talking therapy sessions without an end in sight. We can always find something to bitch and complain about and attribute blame.
This is why when Alan suggested therapy, I was not hopeful. I see it as you do, that this will take forever. I don't have time for him to go through an entire mental process. I told him that the therapy had to be goal orientated and this goal being that we will be married. - I will not accept this relationship on any other terms. He agreed.
When you said that you are not sure that I should trust him, what do you mean?
When you said that I should get out now, where should I go?
See, that question brings me to a state of anxiety to where there is no drug (legal or illegal) that can make me forget - that I am one step from homelessness.
Regarding my independence: It is not possible. I have way more issues than anyone ever imagined. Jeez, I gave you the statistics. (didn't I?) It's either living with a husband or whatever for me, Elana. But I'm happy to hear other suggestions, if you have them.
I have learned that stability and safety are prime issues for people like me. From childhood on, if the person doesn't feel safe and secure, there is less chance of success of independence. I never felt that as a child. I was always bullied in school and had Tourette, OCD and ADHD, a lot of anger because no medications ever worked to control my symptoms.
I was physically punished by our parents on many occasions and not your ordinary swat on the behind. Dad used the back of Pi's (Do you remember our dog?) brush to hit me and he'd drag me down the stairs by my hair. I never felt safe. I never felt secure in our parents love or devotion for me - Now or from childhood.
Our parents never told me I had all these problems although they definitely knew. I went through my medical records with Dr. Bruun. She was shocked to hear that I spent my entire childhood and early adulthood not knowing that I had ADHD, slight OCD and a mood disorder. I guess they couldn't keep the Tourette Syndrome a secret since I barked like a dog.
And then there was the compulsory religion which came at me in the form of further restrictions.
My point is not to dwell on what may be considered abuse nowadays, but to tell you that I didn't have a chance of adult independence - never did.
That mental institution stint right around the time I was supposed to be taking the SAT's and the NY Regents didn't do anything for my educational skills either.
Then I married into an abusive situation to get away from an abusive situation. Whereas, I was no angel in my marriage to Lou, I could be very verbally thrashing but Lou always took it to the next level with violence. This didn't happen often, as I said - approximately 8 times during the course of our relationship, 3 being prior to getting married and 2 incidents happening in front of Marc.
Marc watched Lou try to strangle me.
But I was never scared of Lou. That's my own pathology, I suppose. I was never afraid of our father either. This is what I told myself to convince myself that I was not abused. I was not scared. What can I say?
I always told myself that if it got to the point where I needed to, I'd defend myself, in any way possible. At least right now, I KNOW that I am safe.
I do not yet feel secure but we are working on that. I can wish and pray all I want to become independent but I won't delude myself.
Elisha
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(From Elana)
(To Elisha)
I can only write a short note this time - but i will say this quickly. I think you use your labels - the labels that "define" your problems to define yourself. You use them as a crutch. You can argue with this as much as you want, but the truth is that recognizing thing s that hold you back, is half the work of overcoming them.
I love you, you are my sister, but I must be honest. I think you are intelligent, but I also think you are a bit lazy. You use your medical terms to excuse yourself from responsibilty. I have known you, I have watched you, my life was altered by you growing up. I have seen you go through different stages.
You may know yourself better than anyone, but I also think you delude yourself. You are capable of more than you let on - and plenty of people who didn't feel "safe" or "loved" move on - and you have the resources mentally to do so.
Frankly I could care less what the statistics say - if you could get off your butt and leave your family - than you could get off your butt and do something to improve yourself by yourself. You are not a helpless baby who needs a man. You are an adult who can make decisions to become a stronger better person.
Do I think you will listen to this? No. So why do I bother? I guess b/c when you care about someone you try as many times as you can. I know I have said this to you in the past. I will always be honest with you.
Psychology was something that always interested me. Yes, I think that there need to be more competent therapists. Yes, I think that not all drugs are made equal. Do I think that pot is the answer to your anxiety? no. Do I think that is a really good excuse? Sure.
I am an anxious person by nature. I don't take pot. I don't take any drug.
Anyway, you need to stop looking back - and look forward - by that I don't mean about your marriage - I mean about yourself - stop blaming who you are today on everything from the past - on everybody else - take a good look at yourself. This is all you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elana,
I'm sorry. I made a mistake which I tend to repeat over and over. I attempted to convey my fears and anxiety to one of my sisters and received an insulting, judgmental response based on incomplete biased knowledge.
Last year, I was insulted and berated by Jennifer [our sister] for being overweight and smoking cigarettes and she chose to do this during one of the worst days of my life. There was no provocation by me at all. Sheer maliciousness, on her part.
Then Beth. told me that she basically agreed with Jen. You smartly stayed out of it - Although you did tell me some things which I didn't like to hear but I respected you because sometimes the truth is painful and sometimes others have a different perspective on things.
I asked for your opinion then and you gave it to me. There are two issues here, as far as I see it.
Your opinion of me, my disorders, lack of independence and such and my leaving my family to start a new relationship.
I asked you two questions in my previous email
1) When you said that you are not sure that I should trust him, (Alan) what do you mean?
2) And when you said that I should get out now, where should I go?
You didn't answer these questions. You really do not know much about our relationship so why would you say that I shouldn't trust him?
I also need to make this short. You made hurtful accusations about me leaving my family. I would like to hear your solution to an abusive marriage.
Are you advocating staying in an abusive marriage for the sake of the children?
Marc saw it. He heard everything.
At what point does an abusive marriage become detrimental to the kids?
I'm just sick and tired of people making judgments about me under the guise of loving me.
Loving a person means trying to ease their pain, not adding salt to their wounds.
Elisha
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(From Elana.)
(To Elisha)
Listen, you can be mature and not accuse everyone of insulting and berating you - you are my sister - and I am honest b/c of that - if you don't want honesty - then you don't need to write me. I try not to pass judgement on you despite the fact that I obviously disagree with your choices.
IF you want someone to just be a yes man and say whatever makes you feel good - find someone else.
I am not my sisters - I am nobody but myself. Deal with it or find a friend. I don't engage in this type of thing. You can respond or not.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elana.)
(From Elisha)
Why don't you call me? 847-
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elisha)
(From Elana.)
I have three kids I am taking care of right now. I don't have the time for a long conversation. Look at all our old e-mails. They are about you. That is fine. You need to talk. I don't. But if you want to talk to me, then you will have to deal with my honesty, otherwise, I'm sorry, that's all I can offer you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elana)
(From Elisha)
Whatever Elana. I get it. I was giving you an update on the situation here and you responded with insulting opinions.
Calling you on your disrespect and rudeness does not make me immature.
It's really convenient that you would say all these hurtful things and then try to stand on some pedestal and say that you don't engage in this type of thing.
Your right, Elana. You don't engage in "this type of thing."
You prefer to end it right after you say your piece - kind of like a last word thing, huh?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(From Elana.)
(To Elisha)
No Elisha, this thing means I don't engage in a relationship of pretending. I am sorry if I came across as rude , that was not my intention. As I said if this is not the type of relationship you are interesed in, I am sorry. Good luck, I really wish you well.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elana.)
(From Elisha)
I don't engage in relationships where I have to pretend either. I don't think that you have enough information to make the judgments that you did. Maybe you know enough about me and my disorders to comment on that but certainly you don't understand the problems in my marriage with Lou nor do you completely understand my relationship with Alan.
So, when you told me that I should get out of this relationship now and that I shouldn't trust Alan, I wanted to know why you felt that way. I respected your opinion.
I never did hear why.
I am not offended by your assessment of me and my "issues." I'm happy to discuss this at any time. I'm all about the truth, Elana. If you have it or can show it to me, I'm all ears.
I was, however, offended by your accusation that I abandoned my family. Half the country comes from divorced families. I abandoned my marriage. There is a huge difference.
Things take time and divorces don't occur overnight. This is a difficult adjustment period. I'm allowed to be upset and depressed over this.
You don't have to agree with my decisions to be my friend.
I know that you would never do some of the things that I did. But so what? You do some things that I consider silly and a waste of time, but I would never think of hurting you by telling you my opinion of your choices.
Must there be brutal honesty? Can't we respect our differences while still caring about each other?
Isn't it enough for you to understand that I was unhappy and unhealthy in my marriage.
Who are we to judge what goes on in other people's homes behind closed doors?
I asked you what you would have done in my situation? I cared about your opinion. I didn't hear an answer.
I don't want to let this relationship die.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elisha)
(From Elana)
Look Elisha, our relationship is one sided. It is all about you. Like i said, you need to talk, I don't. I have a healthy family life and a strong social network. I think it may be better for you to speak with a counselor or maybe join some groups so you have a stronger network as well. I think it would be better if you had more people to talk to.
I am happy to hear updates on your life. Really, I do want to know what is going on in your life. But I just can't be the person - one of the only ones - as you said you are alone - to hear all your problems and complaints.
I have very strong feelings about your choices in life and after a while I suppose I can't hold back anymore. I f you would still like to write me and tell me about things that are going on,I would like that.
Love,
Elana
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(To Elana)
(From Elisha)
This relationship was one-sided because that was what you chose. You never called me or wrote to me without my prompting and you never spoke to me about yourself. Of course, it was one-sided. It was all my effort.
I still don't understand what about my decision to leave my marriage you don't agree with. And I've asked you to elaborate and you can't/won't.
Shall I live my entire life with potential violence? From Marty to Lou to the grave.
Grow up, E. Things aren't as black and white in the real world.
Anyway, a sisterhood or friendship is based on acceptance without judgments and you and my sisters are not capable of that. (due to your fundamentalist ideology, which I know that you will never recognize either)
Go bury your head in the sand now because I tried to engage you and asked you to back up your accusations that Alan is untrustworthy.
Like your Hit and Run comments. I'm not your child and I do respond to being attacked.
You are similar to our sisters where you think that you can say anything that you want to me without repercussions.
Actually it's worse than that because you think that I should respect what you say too. Lol
Elisha
Letter to Dad: 2002 - 2004
I starting writing a series of emails in 2002 to my father which I never sent. I was too chicken --- had too much to lose. I recently found this sitting in the drafts file in an old Hotmail account that I had assumed was closed.
Reading this was tear-jerking.
During this period, I actually sent my son Marc (he was 8-11 years old) to Hebrew School. I was so desperate to be close with my family and I knew that Judaism was the only way. So I tried, to the best of my ability, to bite my tongue and let Marc have something to brag about to his "Saba and Savta" (grandfather and grandmother) so they'll love him.
But I have learned that there is NOTHING that I could have done except for quitting life, divorcing my non-Jew husband and becoming a full-time Orthodox Jew that would have pleased them and made me felt welcomed or even loved by them.
The struggle, those years, were very traumatic. My son was an outspoken atheist already, and like me, he had a hard time keeping his opinions to himself. I was at a crossroads over being true to myself or having a family to claim. Being adopted made this decision more difficult.
Ultimately, I decided that my dignity was worth more than their love. After my mother died, I stopped being accommodating and understanding of their beliefs and their constant religious ritual (which verges on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and reigns over every facet of their life.
Here's the anthology of letters:
Dear Dad,
This letter covers many issues and it has culminated over the past few years. Please read it with an open heart and mind. I've spend a lot of time and effort trying to communicate these things with you.
Throughout the years, I have been wanting to tell you some things. I wrote down some thoughts, many times but have not sent it to you. So, if some ideas seem scattered, you'll understand why.
2002 - We seem to be having a problem with Marc at Hebrew school. As you know Marc blurts out anything and everything that he is thinking. His teacher is telling me that the other kids are complaining that Marc doesn't "use proper words." I know if she meant foul language that it would be specified, so it's not that.
But in Hebrew School he constantly feels the impulse to proclaim his unbelief in a god. Now, it is obvious where he got that from. I have, in the past, expressed my views in front of Marc. I probably shouldn't have done it so forcefully, but I can't change that now. He has, although, came to me with specific questions like why people believe in god. I told him, "They believe god created the earth, they think that god will provide an ultimate sense of justice, and they think that when you die, you go somewhere with god."
Those seem to be the strongest reasons, because without any one of those, there would be no need for a god. Praying and observing and other rituals which are inherent to all religions are merely only by-products of those previous beliefs. So, if the basic beliefs in god fail to move a person to believe, everything else is moot.
Now, I know that you and I (and everyone else in the family) don't come to the same conclusions based on the evidence which is available to us, at this time. But my beliefs (or non-belief) is so strong that it is difficult, if not impossible, to provide Marc with answers that don't correlate with my own views.
I am raising Marc to be a "freethinker." I've always been that. I refuse to believe something just "because." And I believe that faith in a god falls within that category. There are too many opposing views, too many interpretations, too many different holy books -- they cannot all be correct. And if one is wrong, why not all?
Religion, to me, is hope. Wishing that we have an ultimate purpose for life, hoping that this isn't all there is and a way to explain things that science has yet to uncover. I also think that when humans are able to face the concept of death and the finality of it, we wouldn't be so scared and need to think that we must continue to live on.
Again, without the concept of an afterlife, the entire purpose for a god diminishes. I taught Marc that long ago, people couldn't understand nature and they assigned gods to each natural function in order to maintain some illusion of control over nature, e.g., rain, thunder, lightning, fire, earthquakes. These people long ago tried to appease nature (gods) by chanting and sacrifice and blamed their inefficiency to control nature on the fact that they weren't praying enough, or weren't praying correctly, or the thunder god wanted a bull instead of a sheep.
They refused to think that maybe there are not any gods controlling nature. But now scientists are able to know why and how these things occur and even sometimes predict when they will occur. So the gods of nature slipped into history.
We cannot or may never understand what happens when we die, so god fills that gap presently.
Also, the evolution of life. We are constantly learning more about how the earth was formed and how we evolved. That gap is closing.
It is obvious that children suffer, terrorists attack and earthquakes destroy, for no apparent reason. It is extremely comforting to think that there is an ultimate purpose and those people will be "judged" accordingly. But, again, there really is no evidence of that and I'm more likely to think that those beliefs are led by emotions, not fact.
September 11 solidified my atheism. But for the concept of an afterlife, these nuts would have never had the motivation to succeed in their plot. And this is the responsibility of religion. Not specifically Islam or Judaism, but any religion which promotes this absurd, destructive belief of a heaven.
I know that Judaism tends to back off on the afterlife concept (although that is a modern thought), rather preferring to concentrate on earthly duties, but if you eliminate the concept of an afterlife, you eliminate the need to worship a god.
In the Torah, there some mention of the afterlife. Yet, it seems that the Jews have discovered that devoting one's life to the HOPE of an afterlife diminishes this earthly life. So, typical of religions, they reinterpret and neglect to teach all the immoral teachings in their holy book.
Christians drive me nuts with their threats of hell and the "I'm saved, and I'm holier than thou" crap.
I can honestly say that I never really believed in a god. But it wasn't until the last ten years that I really did some research and thought about it, in depth. I studied the history of ALL religions and discovered that man, not a god, chose which selections to include in each bible. It was voted on, like a law.
Do you think that I would want to intentionally isolate myself from my family? Knowing that your Judaism is the tie that bind you. It would be so easy for me to "pretend" and "play along" so I can feel included and loved.
I have always felt "different" due to being adopted. But that would be an emotional, selfish reaction, not one based on truth. Truth to myself.
In a way, I'm jealous. Jealous that you seem to have found something which offers you solace and comfort. Yet, to me it seems pointless, almost silly. I am sorry.
Joining the temple was a huge decision for me. It makes me a complete hypocrite, though. I want you to understand my motivations for joining so you don't think that deep down inside I am seeking god.
I always felt sending Marc to Hebrew School was contradictory. In all honesty, I was attempting to seek your approval. I wanted to somehow give Marc the opportunity to "fit in" with his family since Marc has no one on Lou's side to bond with. Also, society places an extreme importance on religious education and I didn't want to isolate Marc any more than he already is.
I justified that it couldn't hurt. After all, the kids are great, he learns a new language and Jewish culture is fun. Plus, I've made some new friends.
Now, it seems that it is not smart of me to continue to give Marc conflicting messages. I've told Marc that he is too young and uninformed to make any conclusions and to rule anything out, at this point. But he needs to be respectful and not mock others for their beliefs.
Recently, he had a "discussion" with Christina, which I overheard, where she was asking him why he doesn't believe in god. (I suppose she meant a god, in general because she subscribes to the Catholic variety.) And Marc actually came up with some intelligent answers. Some of them, I have never spoken to him about.
He said that nature made the plagues and humans evolved (not created) and a big explosion caused the earth. Plus the obvious ones like you can't see god, there were many gods, Moses couldn't live to be over 900 years old. Why would a god create us only to destroy us with Noah? Couldn't he have foreseen that?
When Christina asked him where he'll go when he dies. He said, "Probably the same place I was, before I was born."
These answers show me that he is, in fact, thinking about it.
Basically, I want to give Marc EVERY opportunity to experience life, to its fullest. No matter how much I say religion does not matter to me, it DOES matter because I have to live in this world with people who feel that religion is important.
I only want for Marc, what would make him a happy person. I don't tell him that he is a Jew, he must marry a Jew, or follow the rituals of a Jew no more than I tell him that he must be a doctor or marry a doctor. These feelings come from within. They are NOT passed down genetically. You might share a few similar genes with your fellow Jews, but we all have different ideas and beliefs.
I abhor the fact that children are subjected to this indoctrination at such an early age. An age where fantasy play is prominent. So susceptible and eager to please. They will recite, verbatim, what they are taught. Is it any wonder that children usually stay in the religion of their upbringing? Not for any sense of it being right or wrong. For the sake of tradition and really not knowing any other way to think.
I pride myself on the fact that I am teaching Marc to ask questions and not accept things at face value. The fault lies when you try and suppress questions and resort to "blind faith."
Dad, I in no way wish to insult anyone. I admire you. I think that you are extremely intelligent and you can run circles around many in the areas of math and science. Your morals and values are also very admirable.
Most people assume that religion, the essence of religion, is based generally on the teaching of good morals and values. It is not the morality issue of religion that bothers me. If that was the extent of religious training, I would be inclined to say, "How can it hurt?" Incidentally, that is Lou's feeling.
There are other aspects of your religion besides the dogma and indoctrination that bother me. Judaism is supposed to promote unity in people. But it seems that unity can only be accomplished if one shares the same rituals and beliefs.
You might tell me that you still love me and it doesn't matter what I believe, to you. But you know, deep inside that it is the ONLY important thing to you.
It hurt me deeply when you did not see me get married. You genuinely liked Lou and admitted that you wouldn't go because he was not Jewish. I never expected you to be overjoyed.
However, I had hoped that your love for me would supersede your prejudices.
Through the years, as each of my sisters got married, the hurt grew deeper. I contemplated not attending their weddings out of spite but decided that my sisters didn't deserve that. I watched as thousands of dollars was spent to celebrate their union. And all I could feel was that mine wasn't even acknowledged. It broke my heart.
A wedge was formed and that wedge is religion.
When Marc was born with hypospadias and needed surgery, I was grateful to see both my parents at the hospital with us. Boy, was it a shock to see YOUR Rabbi coming out of MY SON'S Surgery room. I had yet to decide what religion, if any, I planned to raise Marc with and again, the decision was made for me.
I wasn't even consulted. It was done in a sneaky fashion. I resented that. It was not your place to do that. I felt violated. This was MY CHILD and you can't control every situation. But since it meant so much to you, I let it go. Considering that a person is a Jew only if THEY CLAIM TO BE ONE, I figured time will tell and the trivial ceremonies that you behold so dearly are generally irrelevant to a person's true beliefs.
The fact that you were willing to spend $10,000 per year on a Yeshiva education for Marc also boils my blood. Lou, at that time, was earning only $25,000 a year, and I could never imagine spending half his yearly salary on a Yeshiva. I'm really trying to not sound bitter but, if that money was so readily available, and if a good education was the most important result, why not offer to send Marc to a private non-sectarian school, where EDUCATION is foremost?
It is my belief that it is not the "education" that concerned you as much as the JEWISH education. That is very sad to me. Because Marc is half of Lou. It seems that by even suggesting that Marc attend a yeshiva, it completely disrespects that other half of Marc's existence.
Please understand that Lou does NOT agree with me on any of this and he has less of a problem with many aspects of Judaism than I do.
Why would you expect anyone to want to raise their children in different way in which THEY believe? Do you realize what you asked of Lou (and me)? The problems that it could've created in my marriage? Or even the identity crisis that Marc may have suffered because of learning one way to live in school and coming home to another? Did it matter to you?
That is a huge burden to place on a child. What if Marc wanted to observe Orthodox Judaism? Our household will not change accordingly. He will battle with us. It would not be fair to ask of him to choose between fitting in at home or fitting in at school. Because both would never be possible. Why add extra burdens on a child who already needs to be medicated to fit in?
Would you ever send your children to Catholic school? Why wouldn't you? Because it goes against your belief system, right? Yet you expected that of me. Why?
Therefore, I will try to save those conflicts until Marc reaches adulthood. He won't feel like he has to please us and believe a certain way. And he can take his beliefs and use them to better his life, with the freedom adulthood allows.
Believe it or not, I strive for your acceptance. That is the reason I agreed, at first, about the Yeshiva. I tried to tell myself that it couldn't hurt. And that he'll get a quality education out of it.
But the more I thought about it, the more I saw that this would have caused many additional conflicts for our lives. The last straw was when you asked me NOT to bring Lou to our meeting about financial arrangements and financial aid with Solomon Shechter administrators.
I am not ashamed of Lou. Were you? I know, he's not Jewish. Same old mantra.
I know we never spoke about this, and I know that I made a promise to you years ago. I hope this clarifies why I made the decision NOT to have my child indoctrinated in the Jewish faith, it was a very well thought out decision.
From my end, a strictly selfish perspective, your religion is driving a wedge between any possibility of a healthy normal relationship between you and I. It hurts me that you never visit us, in OUR home. When you do, it is always "on the run." It hurts me that when we do see each other it is either to celebrate a Jewish holiday or on a sabbath, where we cannot do any of the "normal" things a parent and grandparent does with their family.
Your lives are centered around Judaism. That would be fine except I am not Jewish, and Marc is not Jewish. Oh, he's enough Jewish, on paper, that the temple let him in. But this is something that must be felt in your heart. And in my heart there is no god. Therefore, no Judaism.
What if every time I saw you I set up an altar and demanded that you respect my worshipping the invisible pink unicorn? Everywhere in my house is evidence of my belief. Every conversation we have centers around MY belief system. How would you feel?
I hardly have a relationship with my sisters. Nothing genuine, just superficial. Because I don't practice their belief system. You spend weekends at Jen's and Beth's apartments. Babysitting their children, celebrating the sabbath, etc. . . What kind of relationship do we have? Months go by, we don't speak.
I'm trying not to sound like a spoiled child, but we never spend any time with each other without Judaism being in the backdrop. Knowing that I don't practice it or believe, how come I must be subjected to this EVERY TIME WE SEE EACH OTHER?
You don't know me as a person. You don't know why I "just won't conform." You only want to try to change my beliefs to fit yours accordingly. That is evident when you offer to buy books about atheists being converted and telling me to speak with Josh, when we finally may have leaped forward to discuss what I believed and why I believe it.
It seems to me that your motivation is to change me. Let me assure you that my non-belief is sooooo strong, after years of research and studying why people believe in a supernatural, all powerful, all knowing being, I have come to understand the psychology behind it.
I would LOVE to have these discussions with you. But you wouldn't like what I have to say. So I shy away from it in order to keep the peace.
That part of the email was written about a year ago.
Now (2004) as Marc's bar mitzvah approaches [he was 11] there seem to be more problems.
As you know, we belong to a Conservative Temple. The women get called up for aliyahs, and they wear Tallitim. There is no separation between men and women. We are all viewed equally.
Mom mentioned to me that I need to request that Marc have his bar mitzvah on a Sunday. Well, that is not done in our temple.
I am now at a crossroads. I do not send Marc to Hebrew School for me or even for him. We do it for you. This is a sacrifice which eats away at me. I detest attending services and 6 hours per week of Hebrew School is a HUGE commitment.
Marc would prefer not to go and I would certainly appreciate the elimination of this burden in my life.
You cannot, in good conscience, ask that my temple entirely forego their rituals and traditions for Marc and his family.
No one walks into your temple and tells you how to do things. Out of respect, you are supposed to adhere to the rules and rituals of others when you are on their territory. I planned on doing a reading from the Torah. But now I hear from Mom that if any women are present on the bima, no one in my family would take the honor of an aliyah.
So, I must choose: me or the rest of my family. Since it is more important to you (collectively), that the Torah even exists and is read from, I'd relinquish that honor.
But now it has come down to this. I will not be asking my temple for any special treatment. Marc is scheduled to have a Saturday bar mitzvah and if you choose not to attend, we are stopping this charade and cutting ties with the temple.
This fraud of a lifestyle serves no purpose for us anymore.
You have a decision to make. How important is it TO YOU that Marc be bar mitzvah'd?
Could you, just this once, place someone else's feelings over the importance of your ritual?
Marc has worked VERY hard for the honor of being bar mitzvah'd. So much time and effort has been put in to reach this goal.
Will you disappoint him?
How will you explain that to him without reinforcing MY idea that your religion comes before ANYTHING?
What do you really expect?
Do you think that we should belong to an orthodox temple? Even if that was an option, they wouldn't accept us because of the intermarriage.
You were aware that I joined a Conservative temple. You knew what that represents.
Why does it have to be all or nothing?
I feel as if I am constantly sacrificing my beliefs for your acceptance. I cannot do it any longer. I am not Jewish and neither is my husband. Only time will tell what Marc will choose.
At every crucial stage in my life, you have chosen your religion over my feelings.
I know that you feel that Judaism is THE ONE TRUE RELIGION. Everyone who adheres to a religion feels that way, as I do with my atheism.
I love you and need you so much that I put up this facade for years. It is time for me to be honest and true to myself and not carry on as if I am Jewish. It is also time for you to come to terms with the fact that Judaism, the way you choose to practice it, does not unite us. Rather, it divides us.
Love,
Elisha
Reading this was tear-jerking.
During this period, I actually sent my son Marc (he was 8-11 years old) to Hebrew School. I was so desperate to be close with my family and I knew that Judaism was the only way. So I tried, to the best of my ability, to bite my tongue and let Marc have something to brag about to his "Saba and Savta" (grandfather and grandmother) so they'll love him.
But I have learned that there is NOTHING that I could have done except for quitting life, divorcing my non-Jew husband and becoming a full-time Orthodox Jew that would have pleased them and made me felt welcomed or even loved by them.
The struggle, those years, were very traumatic. My son was an outspoken atheist already, and like me, he had a hard time keeping his opinions to himself. I was at a crossroads over being true to myself or having a family to claim. Being adopted made this decision more difficult.
Ultimately, I decided that my dignity was worth more than their love. After my mother died, I stopped being accommodating and understanding of their beliefs and their constant religious ritual (which verges on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and reigns over every facet of their life.
Here's the anthology of letters:
Dear Dad,
This letter covers many issues and it has culminated over the past few years. Please read it with an open heart and mind. I've spend a lot of time and effort trying to communicate these things with you.
Throughout the years, I have been wanting to tell you some things. I wrote down some thoughts, many times but have not sent it to you. So, if some ideas seem scattered, you'll understand why.
2002 - We seem to be having a problem with Marc at Hebrew school. As you know Marc blurts out anything and everything that he is thinking. His teacher is telling me that the other kids are complaining that Marc doesn't "use proper words." I know if she meant foul language that it would be specified, so it's not that.
But in Hebrew School he constantly feels the impulse to proclaim his unbelief in a god. Now, it is obvious where he got that from. I have, in the past, expressed my views in front of Marc. I probably shouldn't have done it so forcefully, but I can't change that now. He has, although, came to me with specific questions like why people believe in god. I told him, "They believe god created the earth, they think that god will provide an ultimate sense of justice, and they think that when you die, you go somewhere with god."
Those seem to be the strongest reasons, because without any one of those, there would be no need for a god. Praying and observing and other rituals which are inherent to all religions are merely only by-products of those previous beliefs. So, if the basic beliefs in god fail to move a person to believe, everything else is moot.
Now, I know that you and I (and everyone else in the family) don't come to the same conclusions based on the evidence which is available to us, at this time. But my beliefs (or non-belief) is so strong that it is difficult, if not impossible, to provide Marc with answers that don't correlate with my own views.
I am raising Marc to be a "freethinker." I've always been that. I refuse to believe something just "because." And I believe that faith in a god falls within that category. There are too many opposing views, too many interpretations, too many different holy books -- they cannot all be correct. And if one is wrong, why not all?
Religion, to me, is hope. Wishing that we have an ultimate purpose for life, hoping that this isn't all there is and a way to explain things that science has yet to uncover. I also think that when humans are able to face the concept of death and the finality of it, we wouldn't be so scared and need to think that we must continue to live on.
Again, without the concept of an afterlife, the entire purpose for a god diminishes. I taught Marc that long ago, people couldn't understand nature and they assigned gods to each natural function in order to maintain some illusion of control over nature, e.g., rain, thunder, lightning, fire, earthquakes. These people long ago tried to appease nature (gods) by chanting and sacrifice and blamed their inefficiency to control nature on the fact that they weren't praying enough, or weren't praying correctly, or the thunder god wanted a bull instead of a sheep.
They refused to think that maybe there are not any gods controlling nature. But now scientists are able to know why and how these things occur and even sometimes predict when they will occur. So the gods of nature slipped into history.
We cannot or may never understand what happens when we die, so god fills that gap presently.
Also, the evolution of life. We are constantly learning more about how the earth was formed and how we evolved. That gap is closing.
It is obvious that children suffer, terrorists attack and earthquakes destroy, for no apparent reason. It is extremely comforting to think that there is an ultimate purpose and those people will be "judged" accordingly. But, again, there really is no evidence of that and I'm more likely to think that those beliefs are led by emotions, not fact.
September 11 solidified my atheism. But for the concept of an afterlife, these nuts would have never had the motivation to succeed in their plot. And this is the responsibility of religion. Not specifically Islam or Judaism, but any religion which promotes this absurd, destructive belief of a heaven.
I know that Judaism tends to back off on the afterlife concept (although that is a modern thought), rather preferring to concentrate on earthly duties, but if you eliminate the concept of an afterlife, you eliminate the need to worship a god.
In the Torah, there some mention of the afterlife. Yet, it seems that the Jews have discovered that devoting one's life to the HOPE of an afterlife diminishes this earthly life. So, typical of religions, they reinterpret and neglect to teach all the immoral teachings in their holy book.
Christians drive me nuts with their threats of hell and the "I'm saved, and I'm holier than thou" crap.
I can honestly say that I never really believed in a god. But it wasn't until the last ten years that I really did some research and thought about it, in depth. I studied the history of ALL religions and discovered that man, not a god, chose which selections to include in each bible. It was voted on, like a law.
Do you think that I would want to intentionally isolate myself from my family? Knowing that your Judaism is the tie that bind you. It would be so easy for me to "pretend" and "play along" so I can feel included and loved.
I have always felt "different" due to being adopted. But that would be an emotional, selfish reaction, not one based on truth. Truth to myself.
In a way, I'm jealous. Jealous that you seem to have found something which offers you solace and comfort. Yet, to me it seems pointless, almost silly. I am sorry.
Joining the temple was a huge decision for me. It makes me a complete hypocrite, though. I want you to understand my motivations for joining so you don't think that deep down inside I am seeking god.
I always felt sending Marc to Hebrew School was contradictory. In all honesty, I was attempting to seek your approval. I wanted to somehow give Marc the opportunity to "fit in" with his family since Marc has no one on Lou's side to bond with. Also, society places an extreme importance on religious education and I didn't want to isolate Marc any more than he already is.
I justified that it couldn't hurt. After all, the kids are great, he learns a new language and Jewish culture is fun. Plus, I've made some new friends.
Now, it seems that it is not smart of me to continue to give Marc conflicting messages. I've told Marc that he is too young and uninformed to make any conclusions and to rule anything out, at this point. But he needs to be respectful and not mock others for their beliefs.
Recently, he had a "discussion" with Christina, which I overheard, where she was asking him why he doesn't believe in god. (I suppose she meant a god, in general because she subscribes to the Catholic variety.) And Marc actually came up with some intelligent answers. Some of them, I have never spoken to him about.
He said that nature made the plagues and humans evolved (not created) and a big explosion caused the earth. Plus the obvious ones like you can't see god, there were many gods, Moses couldn't live to be over 900 years old. Why would a god create us only to destroy us with Noah? Couldn't he have foreseen that?
When Christina asked him where he'll go when he dies. He said, "Probably the same place I was, before I was born."
These answers show me that he is, in fact, thinking about it.
Basically, I want to give Marc EVERY opportunity to experience life, to its fullest. No matter how much I say religion does not matter to me, it DOES matter because I have to live in this world with people who feel that religion is important.
I only want for Marc, what would make him a happy person. I don't tell him that he is a Jew, he must marry a Jew, or follow the rituals of a Jew no more than I tell him that he must be a doctor or marry a doctor. These feelings come from within. They are NOT passed down genetically. You might share a few similar genes with your fellow Jews, but we all have different ideas and beliefs.
I abhor the fact that children are subjected to this indoctrination at such an early age. An age where fantasy play is prominent. So susceptible and eager to please. They will recite, verbatim, what they are taught. Is it any wonder that children usually stay in the religion of their upbringing? Not for any sense of it being right or wrong. For the sake of tradition and really not knowing any other way to think.
I pride myself on the fact that I am teaching Marc to ask questions and not accept things at face value. The fault lies when you try and suppress questions and resort to "blind faith."
Dad, I in no way wish to insult anyone. I admire you. I think that you are extremely intelligent and you can run circles around many in the areas of math and science. Your morals and values are also very admirable.
Most people assume that religion, the essence of religion, is based generally on the teaching of good morals and values. It is not the morality issue of religion that bothers me. If that was the extent of religious training, I would be inclined to say, "How can it hurt?" Incidentally, that is Lou's feeling.
There are other aspects of your religion besides the dogma and indoctrination that bother me. Judaism is supposed to promote unity in people. But it seems that unity can only be accomplished if one shares the same rituals and beliefs.
You might tell me that you still love me and it doesn't matter what I believe, to you. But you know, deep inside that it is the ONLY important thing to you.
It hurt me deeply when you did not see me get married. You genuinely liked Lou and admitted that you wouldn't go because he was not Jewish. I never expected you to be overjoyed.
However, I had hoped that your love for me would supersede your prejudices.
Through the years, as each of my sisters got married, the hurt grew deeper. I contemplated not attending their weddings out of spite but decided that my sisters didn't deserve that. I watched as thousands of dollars was spent to celebrate their union. And all I could feel was that mine wasn't even acknowledged. It broke my heart.
A wedge was formed and that wedge is religion.
When Marc was born with hypospadias and needed surgery, I was grateful to see both my parents at the hospital with us. Boy, was it a shock to see YOUR Rabbi coming out of MY SON'S Surgery room. I had yet to decide what religion, if any, I planned to raise Marc with and again, the decision was made for me.
I wasn't even consulted. It was done in a sneaky fashion. I resented that. It was not your place to do that. I felt violated. This was MY CHILD and you can't control every situation. But since it meant so much to you, I let it go. Considering that a person is a Jew only if THEY CLAIM TO BE ONE, I figured time will tell and the trivial ceremonies that you behold so dearly are generally irrelevant to a person's true beliefs.
The fact that you were willing to spend $10,000 per year on a Yeshiva education for Marc also boils my blood. Lou, at that time, was earning only $25,000 a year, and I could never imagine spending half his yearly salary on a Yeshiva. I'm really trying to not sound bitter but, if that money was so readily available, and if a good education was the most important result, why not offer to send Marc to a private non-sectarian school, where EDUCATION is foremost?
It is my belief that it is not the "education" that concerned you as much as the JEWISH education. That is very sad to me. Because Marc is half of Lou. It seems that by even suggesting that Marc attend a yeshiva, it completely disrespects that other half of Marc's existence.
Please understand that Lou does NOT agree with me on any of this and he has less of a problem with many aspects of Judaism than I do.
Why would you expect anyone to want to raise their children in different way in which THEY believe? Do you realize what you asked of Lou (and me)? The problems that it could've created in my marriage? Or even the identity crisis that Marc may have suffered because of learning one way to live in school and coming home to another? Did it matter to you?
That is a huge burden to place on a child. What if Marc wanted to observe Orthodox Judaism? Our household will not change accordingly. He will battle with us. It would not be fair to ask of him to choose between fitting in at home or fitting in at school. Because both would never be possible. Why add extra burdens on a child who already needs to be medicated to fit in?
Would you ever send your children to Catholic school? Why wouldn't you? Because it goes against your belief system, right? Yet you expected that of me. Why?
Therefore, I will try to save those conflicts until Marc reaches adulthood. He won't feel like he has to please us and believe a certain way. And he can take his beliefs and use them to better his life, with the freedom adulthood allows.
Believe it or not, I strive for your acceptance. That is the reason I agreed, at first, about the Yeshiva. I tried to tell myself that it couldn't hurt. And that he'll get a quality education out of it.
But the more I thought about it, the more I saw that this would have caused many additional conflicts for our lives. The last straw was when you asked me NOT to bring Lou to our meeting about financial arrangements and financial aid with Solomon Shechter administrators.
I am not ashamed of Lou. Were you? I know, he's not Jewish. Same old mantra.
I know we never spoke about this, and I know that I made a promise to you years ago. I hope this clarifies why I made the decision NOT to have my child indoctrinated in the Jewish faith, it was a very well thought out decision.
From my end, a strictly selfish perspective, your religion is driving a wedge between any possibility of a healthy normal relationship between you and I. It hurts me that you never visit us, in OUR home. When you do, it is always "on the run." It hurts me that when we do see each other it is either to celebrate a Jewish holiday or on a sabbath, where we cannot do any of the "normal" things a parent and grandparent does with their family.
Your lives are centered around Judaism. That would be fine except I am not Jewish, and Marc is not Jewish. Oh, he's enough Jewish, on paper, that the temple let him in. But this is something that must be felt in your heart. And in my heart there is no god. Therefore, no Judaism.
What if every time I saw you I set up an altar and demanded that you respect my worshipping the invisible pink unicorn? Everywhere in my house is evidence of my belief. Every conversation we have centers around MY belief system. How would you feel?
I hardly have a relationship with my sisters. Nothing genuine, just superficial. Because I don't practice their belief system. You spend weekends at Jen's and Beth's apartments. Babysitting their children, celebrating the sabbath, etc. . . What kind of relationship do we have? Months go by, we don't speak.
I'm trying not to sound like a spoiled child, but we never spend any time with each other without Judaism being in the backdrop. Knowing that I don't practice it or believe, how come I must be subjected to this EVERY TIME WE SEE EACH OTHER?
You don't know me as a person. You don't know why I "just won't conform." You only want to try to change my beliefs to fit yours accordingly. That is evident when you offer to buy books about atheists being converted and telling me to speak with Josh, when we finally may have leaped forward to discuss what I believed and why I believe it.
It seems to me that your motivation is to change me. Let me assure you that my non-belief is sooooo strong, after years of research and studying why people believe in a supernatural, all powerful, all knowing being, I have come to understand the psychology behind it.
I would LOVE to have these discussions with you. But you wouldn't like what I have to say. So I shy away from it in order to keep the peace.
That part of the email was written about a year ago.
Now (2004) as Marc's bar mitzvah approaches [he was 11] there seem to be more problems.
As you know, we belong to a Conservative Temple. The women get called up for aliyahs, and they wear Tallitim. There is no separation between men and women. We are all viewed equally.
Mom mentioned to me that I need to request that Marc have his bar mitzvah on a Sunday. Well, that is not done in our temple.
I am now at a crossroads. I do not send Marc to Hebrew School for me or even for him. We do it for you. This is a sacrifice which eats away at me. I detest attending services and 6 hours per week of Hebrew School is a HUGE commitment.
Marc would prefer not to go and I would certainly appreciate the elimination of this burden in my life.
You cannot, in good conscience, ask that my temple entirely forego their rituals and traditions for Marc and his family.
No one walks into your temple and tells you how to do things. Out of respect, you are supposed to adhere to the rules and rituals of others when you are on their territory. I planned on doing a reading from the Torah. But now I hear from Mom that if any women are present on the bima, no one in my family would take the honor of an aliyah.
So, I must choose: me or the rest of my family. Since it is more important to you (collectively), that the Torah even exists and is read from, I'd relinquish that honor.
But now it has come down to this. I will not be asking my temple for any special treatment. Marc is scheduled to have a Saturday bar mitzvah and if you choose not to attend, we are stopping this charade and cutting ties with the temple.
This fraud of a lifestyle serves no purpose for us anymore.
You have a decision to make. How important is it TO YOU that Marc be bar mitzvah'd?
Could you, just this once, place someone else's feelings over the importance of your ritual?
Marc has worked VERY hard for the honor of being bar mitzvah'd. So much time and effort has been put in to reach this goal.
Will you disappoint him?
How will you explain that to him without reinforcing MY idea that your religion comes before ANYTHING?
What do you really expect?
Do you think that we should belong to an orthodox temple? Even if that was an option, they wouldn't accept us because of the intermarriage.
You were aware that I joined a Conservative temple. You knew what that represents.
Why does it have to be all or nothing?
I feel as if I am constantly sacrificing my beliefs for your acceptance. I cannot do it any longer. I am not Jewish and neither is my husband. Only time will tell what Marc will choose.
At every crucial stage in my life, you have chosen your religion over my feelings.
I know that you feel that Judaism is THE ONE TRUE RELIGION. Everyone who adheres to a religion feels that way, as I do with my atheism.
I love you and need you so much that I put up this facade for years. It is time for me to be honest and true to myself and not carry on as if I am Jewish. It is also time for you to come to terms with the fact that Judaism, the way you choose to practice it, does not unite us. Rather, it divides us.
Love,
Elisha
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tales from the Hell-hole - Part 1
My husband said the most touching thing to me yesterday when I told him that I was considering writing some posts about my experiences in South Oaks Mental Institution, circa 1985. He said that it hurts him so deeply that I had to go through all this crap with my family and that he wishes to put as much space that he can between then and now.
If they received any resistance from the patient, an announcement would be made over the PA system. "222 North West 2." This meant that there was a patient on our unit who was "going off" and all available male staff members should RUN to the aforementioned unit to provide back-up to the staff.
Flight Deck is where the REAL crazies were housed.
There were some memorable characters locked up with me. One guy, Tony, was a leader of a gang from Brooklyn and he was ordered to be in South Oaks by the court. It was either hospitalization or incarceration. So, we were subjected to Tony's gang mentality and behaviour.
Morning Meeting
Every morning after room check and breakfast we had a unit meeting. This forum and the weekly mandated "Women's Group" became a bitch fest. But it was here where we received all the important information from staff -- who was running low on cigarettes and had to call their parents to deliver more or who needed to bathe more because they stunk.
Anyway, one morning, we were informed that a staff member had lost her keys. This set of keys included her personal car and house keys and also the keys to unlock the doors within South Oaks. We were not allowed to have keys or any such objects, lest we try to use them as a weapon on others or ourselves.
We were told that we were under lock down until these keys were located. This meant that we would not be enjoying our daily outing of walking 50 feet to participate in mock school, RT (Recreational Therapy - AKA -Fucking GYM) or OT (Occupational Therapy - AKA - Fuckin' Arts and Crafts.)
A Reprieve
After about a week of this, I suppose they realized that they couldn't keep us in lock down forever. Teens were required to be educated and to participate in recreation and all the usual crap that public schools offer.
The first day back in the educational building, I sat on the bleachers to read a book. Tony, the gang member, was shooting hoops in the gym. He was alone, and I was ignoring him. I heard a clank and saw keys fall to the floor when Tony jumped up to throw the ball.
It was apparent that these were the keys that the staff and hospital administrators were searching for the prior week since keys were considered contraband.
Threats and Fear
Tony's eyes locked onto mine. He didn't have to say a word. His eyes said it all. His look was threatening. I had every reason to be afraid since he claimed to have connections in a gang
I said nothing to anyone. Not only was I afraid for my life but I had no idea what Tony planned to do with these keys. Was he planning to break out? Was it just him or were other people involved? Maybe he was planning to have someone else break in. I didn't know what Tony planned to do with these keys or how much of a safety threat this was.
I was on high alert, waiting for something to happen. I decided to confide in my roommate, Laura. I guess she was scared to have this knowledge because that evening I was called into a meeting with the staff. I was told that they found the keys in Tony's possession and he is no longer a threat to me.
Sorry, but I just didn't have the confidence that South Oaks had the ability to protect me from dangerous gang members. And I still don't. How dare they punish me for putting the value of MY OWN LIFE above following the rules and the functioning of the institution?
This seems to be a repeated theme in my life - having to endure unjust and disproportionate consequences for not falling in line and following the rules that are apparently expected.
It has not been in vain. I still have my integrity and my identity, though the price has been high.
I tried to explain that there are just some events in one's life where you will never forget --traumatizing, life altering events. Almost 25 years have passed, and I can still feel the sting of my parents' betrayal. They created an elaborate ruse in order to lock me in an institution when I was 15 years old. I wrote about it in a previous post.
I yearned for freedom ever since I can remember. Nothing could have prepared me for life in a locked institution where some of these kids actually had REAL problems like being violent, stealing, alcohol or drug problems, schizophrenia, psychosis, Bulimia and many other anti-social behavior problems.
As with the bullying and the tormenting which I endured throughout my childhood during school, I will never forget those who made my life hell. Some victims of extreme bullying chose to bring weapons to school and annihilate those who victimized them. I could understand their desperation and frustration. I had often wanted to do harm to those that bullied me too and those that betrayed me - my parents.
South Oaks Unit NW 2
Life in 1985, South Oaks Unit North West 2 was never dull. There was always someone who was angry and about to "go off." "Going Off" was a phrase that was frequently used in the institution. Basically, it meant to have a temper tantrum or some other violent outburst. This could consist of violence to staff or another patient, destruction of property or self-mutilating behaviour.
If they received any resistance from the patient, an announcement would be made over the PA system. "222 North West 2." This meant that there was a patient on our unit who was "going off" and all available male staff members should RUN to the aforementioned unit to provide back-up to the staff.
The decision to call a "222" was publicly heard by all of us on the unit, since the male staff would have to yell to the nursing station, where the PA system operated, typically across the unit, during the heat of a confrontation. We, the patients, would gawk and some would cheer or yell for the nurse to "Call a 222." This, I'm sure, contributed to confusion among the staff.
But it was then where it was decided how much action we would see. Would the institution raise the level of violence by bringing in the forces?
When a "222" was called, we would watch as 10-20 adult men in white coats, ran into our unit from all 4 entrances, looking for the commotion. Meanwhile the female staff members were attempting to protect the remaining patients who were still trying to get close to the action.
After 8-10 men pile on top of the angry adolescent, they would tie him into a straight jacket and then give him a shot of Thorazine to calm him down. The patient is then dragged or hauled by the male staffers to "Flight Deck" to be evaluated by his doctor.
Flight Deck is where the REAL crazies were housed.
There were some memorable characters locked up with me. One guy, Tony, was a leader of a gang from Brooklyn and he was ordered to be in South Oaks by the court. It was either hospitalization or incarceration. So, we were subjected to Tony's gang mentality and behaviour.
Morning Meeting
Every morning after room check and breakfast we had a unit meeting. This forum and the weekly mandated "Women's Group" became a bitch fest. But it was here where we received all the important information from staff -- who was running low on cigarettes and had to call their parents to deliver more or who needed to bathe more because they stunk.
Anyway, one morning, we were informed that a staff member had lost her keys. This set of keys included her personal car and house keys and also the keys to unlock the doors within South Oaks. We were not allowed to have keys or any such objects, lest we try to use them as a weapon on others or ourselves.
We were told that we were under lock down until these keys were located. This meant that we would not be enjoying our daily outing of walking 50 feet to participate in mock school, RT (Recreational Therapy - AKA -Fucking GYM) or OT (Occupational Therapy - AKA - Fuckin' Arts and Crafts.)
Violations
During this period, we had our rooms stripped bare and searched. We were taken one by one into the nurses area and strip searched - every cavity.
We were also interrogated individually by hospital administration who threatened us with the wrath of the entire administration of South Oaks.
Despite their effort, no keys were found.A Reprieve
After about a week of this, I suppose they realized that they couldn't keep us in lock down forever. Teens were required to be educated and to participate in recreation and all the usual crap that public schools offer.
The first day back in the educational building, I sat on the bleachers to read a book. Tony, the gang member, was shooting hoops in the gym. He was alone, and I was ignoring him. I heard a clank and saw keys fall to the floor when Tony jumped up to throw the ball.
It was apparent that these were the keys that the staff and hospital administrators were searching for the prior week since keys were considered contraband.
Threats and Fear
Tony's eyes locked onto mine. He didn't have to say a word. His eyes said it all. His look was threatening. I had every reason to be afraid since he claimed to have connections in a gang
I said nothing to anyone. Not only was I afraid for my life but I had no idea what Tony planned to do with these keys. Was he planning to break out? Was it just him or were other people involved? Maybe he was planning to have someone else break in. I didn't know what Tony planned to do with these keys or how much of a safety threat this was.
I was on high alert, waiting for something to happen. I decided to confide in my roommate, Laura. I guess she was scared to have this knowledge because that evening I was called into a meeting with the staff. I was told that they found the keys in Tony's possession and he is no longer a threat to me.
Busted anyway
I was relieved. But then I was informed that all my privileges were revoked -- smoking whenever I wanted instead of having to wait for the allotted 'cigarette times', going outside for recreation, having visitors other than your parents, having passes to leave the grounds with parents.
I was so pissed. I was being punished because I didn't rat on Tony. This is the way these institutions operated and still do, to the best of my knowledge. They rely on a system of rewarding rats and punishing those who don't fall in line. It didn't matter that my life was endangered and it still was, as far as I was concerned, because Tony had ample time to give my name out to his gang pals in Brooklyn.Sorry, but I just didn't have the confidence that South Oaks had the ability to protect me from dangerous gang members. And I still don't. How dare they punish me for putting the value of MY OWN LIFE above following the rules and the functioning of the institution?
This seems to be a repeated theme in my life - having to endure unjust and disproportionate consequences for not falling in line and following the rules that are apparently expected.
It has not been in vain. I still have my integrity and my identity, though the price has been high.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Worship of God -- why bother?
At a certain point, about 20 years ago, my parents and sisters stopped discussing Judaism with me -- probably because of my constant mockery of it. Their method of argumentation typically consisted of dismissing me by insisting that I speak with another person because he (always a he) will be able to answer all my questions more satisfactorily than they can.
But I've done that.
A couple of years ago, I had the opportunity to spend numerous hours speaking with my brother-in-law, Rabbi Joshua Maroof. http://www.mdscbe.org/rabbimaroof.html
My parents, sisters and our families all went on a cruise to Alaska. Josh (as I called him) and I retired to the cafe almost every night of our week long cruise and discussed Judaism until the wee hours of the morning.
We continued our conversation via email after we arrived home. I don't think either of us managed to budge the other. My tentative conclusion is that the gaps are unbridgeable, at least not by words alone, perhaps because they are rooted in character, personality, and experience (then justified by words).
Why bother?
I have a hard time understanding WHY Jews do so much ritual and worship. The basic answer is because their God tells them to. I cannot and will not ever accept that answer. I didn't accept "because I said so" from my parents when I was a child, and I certainly won't accept this answer from an alleged all-knowing, all-just and all-powerful deity.
There must be some purpose or reward for the committed worshipper of the Jewish Deity. At least the Christians and Muslims promise a glorious after-life. (which also comes with the threat of Hellfire for the non-believers).
Jews are vague with their notion of an afterlife -- and that is the safe position to be in. The idea of an afterlife is patently absurd, an oxymoron. There is nothing after our lives are over. We will be dead -- not alive.
So, according to the Jewish belief system, there is no reward during our earthly lives for our service to this god, only vague references to an afterlife in their holy books, and certainly there are no threats to the unbeliever that he will suffer an eternity in pain.
Are we just expected to praise Jehovah and worship him all day long for the sole purpose of expressing thankfulness for just being alive? What about the people who have lives full of suffering and heartache? Should they be thankful and worship a god who they would consider to be responsible for everything including their terribly sad life?
Rabbi's answer to "Why bother?"
I reiterated this concern to Rabbi Maroof, and this was his response:
Even if we suffer terrible hardships, service of God still makes sense. This is because worship of God is not to be identified with repaying or thanking God for blessings we have received from Him. On the contrary, we give absolutely nothing to God by serving Him, so the notion of repaying him would be nonsensical.
So, we get nothing by way of earthly rewards from this egotistical god. He promises no guaranteed afterlife. And if the rabbi's right, it seems that this God does not even appreciate the groveling and begging his true believers give him. What is the god-damned point, Joshua?
He continues:
Worship of God means acknowledging the reality of God's existence, regardless of whether the actions He takes fall in line with or contradict what we would like to happen. It means recognizing an existence that transcends the physical universe - a purely intellectual existence
So, even though our worship means nothing to this god, we should do it anyway just because some people think that he exists. I don't go around worshipping things and entities which merely exist. It would have to be worthy of worship in the first place. (I would never "worship" anything anyway).
Josh continued:
. . . we should try to emulate [God] because it is the supreme form of existence and for no other reason.
Prove that this deity exists first, Joshua. And the deity depicted in the Torah does not come close to what I would consider a 'supreme form of existence.' He has all traits of a mortal human: short fuse, vengeful, angry, demanding obedience . . .
He goes on:
This would be true whether God benefited us, ignored us, or subjected us to suffering, because it would simply be a point of fact. If God exists, this has implications for human thought and behavior independent of any specific relationship we might have with Him, because His existence would change how we understand the universe and our place in it.
Of course, I completely disagree. Even if a person may acquiesce that somewhere out there in the vastness of space exists a being greater than oneself and this being has power greater than oneself, it does not necessarily follow that we would want to emulate it. This is not even taking into consideration that they claim that this supernatural being is the god of the Jewish (chosen) people AND he wrote the Torah.
If man and god are two distinct species, we can never even come close to accomplishing the goal of being "god-like" or holy. Do lower life forms spend their time emulating and worshipping higher life forms? Does the ant worship the grasshopper?
Nope, only stupid humans feel the need to kow-tow and worship. Unless you consider the submissive behavior of animals in the face of a more powerful adversary, in which case the urge to worship goes very deep and is, as noted above, justified by words after the fact.
God's a killer
What about the displays of genocide, murder and destruction which the god of the Torah orders or condones? I wouldn't wish to emulate that behaviour. Nor would I wish to spend eternity with that being.
Before we decide that we should emulate a particular god and devote our entire lives to worshipping this deity, we should evaluate this god's moral character.
Do you think that the acts of murder in the Bible committed by God are justifiable? No matter how evil or unworthy those people of Sodom and Gomorrah were, did everyone deserve to be killed?
Other ways to deal with Sodomites
Nothing can be said to convince me that this was God's only way to handle the situation (assuming that they were sinners in the first place, and not just gay). I can think of other, more humane ways, to deal with any problem which may arise, aside from utter annihilation, and I'm a mere human.
God displays his anger through the Noah story too. According to the story, God admittedly and unapologetically commits complete genocide of the human race. Why couldn't he foresee what would become of his creations (humans) and thereby avoid annihilating us?
Maybe Woody Allen was right: God is an underachiever. But I have higher standards for a supposed omnipotent and omnipresent being.
The more I learn about why people worship, the more I discover that they grovel and beg to unseen forces because they are afraid of the power which they have conjured up for their Deity. They created a God - in their own image. And now they are scared of it.
But I've done that.
A couple of years ago, I had the opportunity to spend numerous hours speaking with my brother-in-law, Rabbi Joshua Maroof. http://www.mdscbe.org/rabbimaroof.html
My parents, sisters and our families all went on a cruise to Alaska. Josh (as I called him) and I retired to the cafe almost every night of our week long cruise and discussed Judaism until the wee hours of the morning.
We continued our conversation via email after we arrived home. I don't think either of us managed to budge the other. My tentative conclusion is that the gaps are unbridgeable, at least not by words alone, perhaps because they are rooted in character, personality, and experience (then justified by words).
Why bother?
I have a hard time understanding WHY Jews do so much ritual and worship. The basic answer is because their God tells them to. I cannot and will not ever accept that answer. I didn't accept "because I said so" from my parents when I was a child, and I certainly won't accept this answer from an alleged all-knowing, all-just and all-powerful deity.
There must be some purpose or reward for the committed worshipper of the Jewish Deity. At least the Christians and Muslims promise a glorious after-life. (which also comes with the threat of Hellfire for the non-believers).
Jews are vague with their notion of an afterlife -- and that is the safe position to be in. The idea of an afterlife is patently absurd, an oxymoron. There is nothing after our lives are over. We will be dead -- not alive.
So, according to the Jewish belief system, there is no reward during our earthly lives for our service to this god, only vague references to an afterlife in their holy books, and certainly there are no threats to the unbeliever that he will suffer an eternity in pain.
Are we just expected to praise Jehovah and worship him all day long for the sole purpose of expressing thankfulness for just being alive? What about the people who have lives full of suffering and heartache? Should they be thankful and worship a god who they would consider to be responsible for everything including their terribly sad life?
Rabbi's answer to "Why bother?"
I reiterated this concern to Rabbi Maroof, and this was his response:
Even if we suffer terrible hardships, service of God still makes sense. This is because worship of God is not to be identified with repaying or thanking God for blessings we have received from Him. On the contrary, we give absolutely nothing to God by serving Him, so the notion of repaying him would be nonsensical.
So, we get nothing by way of earthly rewards from this egotistical god. He promises no guaranteed afterlife. And if the rabbi's right, it seems that this God does not even appreciate the groveling and begging his true believers give him. What is the god-damned point, Joshua?
He continues:
Worship of God means acknowledging the reality of God's existence, regardless of whether the actions He takes fall in line with or contradict what we would like to happen. It means recognizing an existence that transcends the physical universe - a purely intellectual existence
So, even though our worship means nothing to this god, we should do it anyway just because some people think that he exists. I don't go around worshipping things and entities which merely exist. It would have to be worthy of worship in the first place. (I would never "worship" anything anyway).
Josh continued:
. . . we should try to emulate [God] because it is the supreme form of existence and for no other reason.
Prove that this deity exists first, Joshua. And the deity depicted in the Torah does not come close to what I would consider a 'supreme form of existence.' He has all traits of a mortal human: short fuse, vengeful, angry, demanding obedience . . .
He goes on:
This would be true whether God benefited us, ignored us, or subjected us to suffering, because it would simply be a point of fact. If God exists, this has implications for human thought and behavior independent of any specific relationship we might have with Him, because His existence would change how we understand the universe and our place in it.
Of course, I completely disagree. Even if a person may acquiesce that somewhere out there in the vastness of space exists a being greater than oneself and this being has power greater than oneself, it does not necessarily follow that we would want to emulate it. This is not even taking into consideration that they claim that this supernatural being is the god of the Jewish (chosen) people AND he wrote the Torah.
If man and god are two distinct species, we can never even come close to accomplishing the goal of being "god-like" or holy. Do lower life forms spend their time emulating and worshipping higher life forms? Does the ant worship the grasshopper?
Nope, only stupid humans feel the need to kow-tow and worship. Unless you consider the submissive behavior of animals in the face of a more powerful adversary, in which case the urge to worship goes very deep and is, as noted above, justified by words after the fact.
God's a killer
What about the displays of genocide, murder and destruction which the god of the Torah orders or condones? I wouldn't wish to emulate that behaviour. Nor would I wish to spend eternity with that being.
Before we decide that we should emulate a particular god and devote our entire lives to worshipping this deity, we should evaluate this god's moral character.
Do you think that the acts of murder in the Bible committed by God are justifiable? No matter how evil or unworthy those people of Sodom and Gomorrah were, did everyone deserve to be killed?
Other ways to deal with Sodomites
Nothing can be said to convince me that this was God's only way to handle the situation (assuming that they were sinners in the first place, and not just gay). I can think of other, more humane ways, to deal with any problem which may arise, aside from utter annihilation, and I'm a mere human.
God displays his anger through the Noah story too. According to the story, God admittedly and unapologetically commits complete genocide of the human race. Why couldn't he foresee what would become of his creations (humans) and thereby avoid annihilating us?
Maybe Woody Allen was right: God is an underachiever. But I have higher standards for a supposed omnipotent and omnipresent being.
The more I learn about why people worship, the more I discover that they grovel and beg to unseen forces because they are afraid of the power which they have conjured up for their Deity. They created a God - in their own image. And now they are scared of it.
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