M&M for Marty (memories and message)

From Conservative to Orthodox - overnight (almost)

I always wondered why my mother, who was active in her conservative synagogue, went along with my father when he announced that he was quitting Temple Beth Chai of Hauppauge in the '80's.

Now I understand how the religious mindset works. The reward and punishment system which they use along with the psychological mindfucks to try to control others is amazing. (But it is really about the need to control the flow of information to the believer.)

All of the following examples come from my family.

The threats: "Don't date (or marry) a non Jew OR ELSE . . "

The rewards: "Marry a Rabbi and I'll buy you an $800,000 house."

The manipulations: Sneaking a Rabbi into the hospital to preform a Bris on my son without my permission.

The bribery: "Send your son to a Yeshiva and I'll give you $$$ every month."

The ostracism: Never see your non-religious daughter (and rarely visit with her children - your grandchildren) or even acknowledge her birthday or marriage, yet spend a lot of time with the siblings and grandchildren who are being raised in a Jewish home.

And a threat that may be rare, but it happened in my family: "Become Orthodox with me or I'll divorce you."

In the 80's, my mother was content right where she was on the religious observance spectrum.

Around the mid-eighties, Temple Beth Chai was in the process of hiring a female Rabbi, which is something my father objected to. He wanted to maintain "tradition," so he said. [Presently, the synagogue he now attends dismisses women to separate areas while the men are praying in the sanctuary. This blatant unequal treatment of women does not faze him a bit. It is tradition, after all. Humph.]

Leaving Beth Chai must have been devastating for my mother, who was present at the Temple's ground breaking. She also built its library from nothing. I have specific memories of her at the typewriter, creating pockets for the donated books and a logging system so the Hebrew School kids could take out books.

Mom was President of the Sisterhood and organized all Hebrew school events and schedules. She was also a social butterfly. She would typically sit in the back row during Friday evening services and talk to her girl friends. Then they would prepare the Oneg (food and drink) for after the service.

I think that Mom used the temple as her outlet to perform voluntary work, to use her skills as an educator and as a social network. I never saw Mom devote herself to prayer or rigidly adhere to ritual. She was barely able to read Hebrew and only knew the most basic prayers.

Until I was 16, Mom would even take us kids to Burger King every Wednesday, without our father (was he working late??). He certainly wouldn't have approved, since we were supposed to be kosher both inside and outside of our home by this time (1986).

So, when I heard that my father walked out of a board meeting where they just voted on the new FEMALE Rabbi, I was happy that I no longer had to attend a temple (because the closest Orthodox shul was 5 miles away, and I was NOT walking there), but I knew that my mother would miss Temple Beth Chai.

Fast forward to this day in 2005: Exactly one day after my mother died, we were Sitting Shiva at my childhood home. Shiva is the Jewish grieving process by which seven days are devoted to remembering the family member that died; the process has countless ritualistic and symbolic strictures attached.

My father was engaged in conversation with a familiar face from the old temple, Beth Chai.

When I entered the room, they were in the middle of a discussion, so I wasn't privy to the beginning of the conversation, but my father was telling this person that my mother was, in fact, upset when they ultimately quit Beth Chai.

That piqued my interest because I thought it was a mutual decision, kind of.

I then asked my father: why couldn't they come to a compromise regarding their practice of Judaism? In other words, couldn't my father attend the Orthodox shul of his choice and my mother remain at the conservative temple which she helped build up from nothing?

Little did I know that my father's response to that would be revealing and prophetic.

He told me that my mother "understood the consequences and what it meant for their relationship if she would remain a part of Temple Beth Chai when that temple was becoming more egalitarian [giving women religious rights previously held only by men] and he [my father] was becoming more orthodox."

I questioned my father as to what precisely was meant by "My mother understanding the consequences." He bluntly stated that their relationship would not survive this impasse.

Wow! The audacity of that statement still stings. My mother must have felt extreme pressure from him. And to save her marriage and family she chose to give up the temple, her temple. She couldn't continue to witness the fruits of her labor and to be active in the community which she helped build. Of course, this meant that many of her friendships would suffer.

That was a really shitty thing to hear from my father ONE day after my mother had died.

But it is classic Marty. He has no relationship with his own brother or his sister and their families. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that they are not practicing Orthodox Judaism.

Now he is doing the same to me. He does not like my choices. I am an atheist and I divorced my children's father because he is an overall dick.

Oh well, Marty. These are MY choices.

Recently, I have told my father that I do not respect his religiosity, his authority figures, (Rabbis) nor his "it's my way or the highway" attitude.

So, yes, Marty, I understand the consequences of not sharing your beliefs or of not giving Orthodox Judaism the lip service which you think it is entitled to.

I understand what you choose to do when people in YOUR FAMILY choose a different path other than yours.

Your bigoted message is loud and clear.

You can't control me like you did my mother.

Just grow some balls and admit to me that you won't have anything to do with people who are NOT of your kind. And this includes your own daughter.

Stop being so passive/aggressive and confront the situation with me.